Nothing new...just miss you like crazy

My sweet Brynlee,
Before going to bed tonight, I just need to be with you.  I need to tell you again that I love you.  That I'm so sad you're gone - so sad I can't hold you in my arms....so sad I can't change the outcome.  I just miss you like crazy right now... I hate that I'll never see you grow up or experience life.  Tonight I attended a Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope dinner outing and found it great to share you with others.  I felt empowered and supported while I was there, but now after arriving home, I just miss you so much.  I thought about how I got to know you while you were still inside of me.  How I got to know your little personality.  How much I loved you then, even before seeing your beautiful face.  One really profound thing that was said tonight has stuck with me.  Someone said "the old me has died with my baby", and I don't think that could be more true.  I am a different person than I was before I was blessed to know you both physically and emotionally.  You've turned my life upside down, but I wouldn't trade the opportunity I got to know you and love you for anything in this world. 
Be strong baby.  Until we meet again...
Momma

People's Perceptions...

Been feeling a little more confused/frustrated/sad lately...but not quite sure why... the smallest things have recently been known to set me into tears (seeing parents holding signs to vote "yes" on the ballot for the school levy or watching the dolphin show at the zoo)
Maybe it's because I have less to do for my baby (organize her things, thank yous, etc.) that make me feel like I'm still "in the moment" with her, but more to do to continue on with life.
Really, my largest "outlets" for my grief have been this blog, Miranda (ha! Lucky her...), Randy, and continuing to do things that help me physically remember Brynlee. I know I'll never forget her, but I'm afraid as time passes, the memories and the feelings of my pregnancy, her birth, and afterward will start to become more and more clouded in my mind. My mind is constantly reeling of ways that our family can carry on her legacy.... and I can't wait to see where it takes us.
Losing Brynlee was the hardest thing I've had to endure in my life thus far, but I never expected the complexity that would accompany life and social situations as we try to "get back into life" (whatever that means. This IS our life!) Anyway, my perceptions have changed. Whereas I used to be the outsider trying to figure out how to help someone in need, I now realize how it is to be on the other side! I've realized a lot of things about groups of people, human nature, and personalities in people that I would have never realized otherwise. I guess this is what it's like to gain true empathy for others who face similar situations. This is what I've realized:
P.s. if it seems like I'm venting, I maybe am...just a bit. But I totally know how it feels to be on the outside looking in, so I place no blame on ANYBODY! I've said some of the stupidest things to people who have faced a hardship in the past...which don't even compare to any of the things I'll post about here.
Anyway, my thoughts are this: everyone has a perception on how they think you should be grieving. And it varies for various groups of people. Some people really shy away from talking about anything that happened. They expect you to act fine and they're relieved when you do, so they don't have to be involved in the awkwardness. Other people, mainly people from the church, expect you to be a puddle of mud on the ground, unable to survive. And they think it's really strange if you're not. And THEN there's the people who get it. Who realize that without faith, we WOULD be a puddle of mud on the ground with no hope for the future, but realize that we don't need someone standing on the sidelines, analyzing and sending reports on how we're coping, but instead they actively become involved in helping us pick up the pieces of our lives, allowing us to talk about and process our grief by doing so. I could talk about our situation a million times, over and over again, and each time I do, I make a new realization and receive a new glimmer of hope - even if just from my own ramblings. I understand people don't know how to bring it up or don't want to open the flood gates if we're trying to "forget our troubles" for awhile, but why in the world would we ever want to do that??? We want to honor and cherish Brynlee just as we would any other living child of ours, but it's harder to do when she's not here on earth with us...so it's by finding ways to remember her and talk about her that gives us peace.
I've been thinking more and more too about my guilt in answering the "How are you doing???????" questions in any manner that sounds even remotely positive. My thoughts today have been that we have been given a strength beyond our own capacities thru this trial. When people say "Wow! You seem so be doing so WELL?!?!?!?!!!" I should be saying that it's only borrowed strength. I too would have never expected to survive such a tragedy, but I am...as would anyone else... you just do. And the Lord helps. (apparently, I needed A LOT of help!!) What hurts...I mean REALLY hurts...is when Randy and I wonder if people think that we love(d) Brynlee any less because of the "strength" that they see from us during a brief period of time. Almost like the grief and pain you show to an individual at a certain point in time somehow indicates the amount of love you must have had for your child. I know I loved Brynlee as much as I would any other child, but the thought that people could be thinking this of me brings me to tears every time! And then I realize that it wouldn't be fair to force myself into a pit of depression, never allowing myself to act "normal" or be happy again. I am not "normal" nor will I ever be "normal" again - and I accept that and vow to allow our sweet Brynlee to make a positive impact on my life, not a negative one.
I have a continual sadness, an empty feeling, an ache for Brynlee that I don't expect to go away, but I learn to cope with it - to find some sort of joy in the journey - to be hopeful for the future - and stand convicted that what I know about God and his promises to me are true. Although Brynlee can't be here on earth with us, I can't help but think of anywhere I'd rather have her be.

How am I doing?...

"So...how are you guys doing??"
We get asked that a lot.  I'm so glad people care enough to at least ask, but man, it's a loaded question!  How I personally am doing depends on the day, sometimes the hour, and sometimes even the minute.  But overall, I feel like we have a good grip on our grief so I usually reply with a "we're doing alright".  Every once in a while, I'll respond with a "we're good!" and then I think, "man, our baby just died!  How can we be "good"?"  To be honest, there's a feeling of emptiness that doesn't go away, but it's just a matter of how "front and center" it is in my thoughts to determine my mood overall.  Overall, I feel happy to have had her in our lives, if even for the short moment.  I'm beginning to have a greater faith that this was part of God's plan and there's nothing we could have done to change the outcome.  With that in mind, I can allow myself to focus on the positives, rather than the "negatives" (and who knows...maybe the "negatives" only seem "negative" to us on earth, due to our limited knowledge of the bigger picture).
We went home this weekend to pick up my parent's piano.  While we were there, we went to Emma and Hunter's Birthday parties at the hotel. Logan had a blast swimming, and we were happy to spend more time with family.  And guess what?  There was even an itty bitty baby there... and for the first time, I didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable - at all!  I gushed over her just as I would have before Brynlee was born.  It felt so good.  I started to wonder if it's only uncomfortable when I or the parents of the baby make it so.  Either way, I was still proud of myself.
This morning, we woke up and rushed off to make it back in time for our stake conference meeting, but not before stopping at the cemetary to make a quick visit to see our Brynlee's grave.  Logan thought we should dig her up and take her with us. 
Stake Conference was good.  I was so glad we made it - even if we were a half hour late :/  Anyway, it's always a little hard for me to listen at these meetings because there's so many people and so much going on.  Plus, it's usually harder for Logan to pay attention too because he can't see anything and the folding chairs are just not the same to crawl across and play on as the pews.  So anyway, I was trying to listen to as much as I could and was enjoying the talks.  The last talk given was by the Stake President himself.  He talked about his "prescription" to each one of us in order to live happier and more fulfilled lives. Anyway, near the end of his talk, he said "Life isn't that hard, really....".  These words stood out loud and clear to me.  After he said it, he left a long pause, at which point I was thinking "Really?!?!  Who is this guy??  Where is he going with this?!  Is he just going to dismiss the fact that people suffer with really terrible trials in their lives?"  At that time, it was like I was watching him in slow motion.  I noticed every little expression he made before moving on to say something along the lines of that "God has sent his son, Jesus Christ, to lighten our burdens if we place faith and trust in him.  We can cast our sorrows, our disappointments and our greatest trials on him, and he'll gladly carry them for us"  Wow!  What a recovery!  That's so true!  It made me think about how I often feel guilty for saying we're doing "fine" or "good" lately.  We have not forgotten our sweet baby, but have placed our trials upon the Lord, and he has given us peace... and THIS makes me feel good....not that our baby has died and that our hopes and dreams for raising her on earth have been shattered. 
This realization made me feel such relief.  It was so good to hear, but like I said earlier, my feelings change continuously and as the day has gone on, the empty feeling inside of me has grown... I always know when I need to release my feelings on this blog.  It's such an outlet for me.  It always makes me feel better.  It helps me to know that if I document everything, it will be harder to forget...because often times my whole pregnancy and loss of Brynlee seems more like a bad dream than reality...that is until I do something like pack my maternity swimsuit out of habit (like I did this weekend) or swing by the baby section at Target (which I always have to remind myself I don't need to do anymore).  Those things are hard... hard when I realize how much my life has changed in the past couple of months.

Today's Thoughts

Brynlee,
Today has been a good day - considering... and I owe it all to you.  Up until today, it's been hard for me to focus on anything other than me, myself, my needs, my desires, my wishes, etc.  My thoughts are constantly on my family (more so me), and you in particular.  I think that's normal, but I've been feeling a little selfish lately, so today I recognized an opportunity to serve someone else, and I jumped on it.  Not a huge thing, but Miranda has given so much to us and so when I heard she wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, I immediately offered to take her son Tanner for the afternoon while she went to an appt. and ran some errands.  It made me feel so good to start turning my "selfishness" around.  Apparently your brother recognized the "specialness" too, because on the way to get Tanner he said "Mommy, Jesus is so proud of us for taking Tanner to our house!"  Gosh, I love that boy!  I may have said something similar to that to him in the past, but he actually made the connection and knew we were doing something good for someone else.  Since you came, he has been talking A LOT about Jesus, heaven, and his sister.  It's so wonderful to hear these comments and connections come straight from his mouth.  He talks about how Jesus takes good care of you, how he misses you, and one day he even told me very matter-of-factly "Mommy, you're going to die and go to heaven soon!"  Not sure how I feel about that one... :/  He loves you dearly.  He was (and still is) so excited to be your big brother.  He runs and gets your picture to show everyone who walks in the door saying "Look!  It's my sister Brynlee!"  When he feels sad that you're not physically here with us, he'll go into your crib, pick out a stuffed animal and snuggle it for awhile.  This is what he did when we got home tonight from our ward's fall festival.  He's such a good big brother.  One time tonight, he came up to me and said "Mommy, where is Jessa's mommy?  Jessa's not happy and I can't make her happy"  Then as I went to find Jessa's mommy, I went back to find him back at her carseat, crouched down, rubbing her blankets, rocking her carseat and saying "it's ok Jessa.... it's ok..."  I'm so happy to see him be so tender to other babies.  I just wish you could have witnessed his same love for you on earth.

Also at the fall festival, I got talking to a mom who had her baby just one day before your due date.  To be honest, I didn't know what to expect, as far as how the conversation would go, or how I'd be around her or her baby, but again I really surprised myself!  I was totally fine and happy for her and her sweet, precious baby.  What I thought might hurt just a bit, turned out to be highly therapeutic!  Because you two would have been almost the exact same age, she did remind me of you...but as a good reminder, not a hurtful or jealous one.  You, my dear, are a very unique child of God and there can never be anyone like you.

Upon returning home from tonight's activities, I was filled with an immense gratitude for you and your brother.  Logan and I laid and cuddled for a long time tonight and for the first time since all this happened, I felt a deeper love and appreciation for him than I had before when my mind was always consumed on me and you.  I’m beginning to realize that he’s the reason I’m not a puddle on the floor most of the time.  He needs me to still be a mother to him…to show and share joy with him, to teach him, to support him, and be available and attentive to his needs. He’s a wonderful distraction and helps bring light and happiness back into my days.

Sooo....that brings me to my final point. Below are reasons 1,999, 998 - 2,000,001 that I realized (just today!) that make me so grateful and proud to have you as a member of our family (in addition to the 1,999,997 reasons before this) and are more reminders of the "footprints" you've made without even stepping foot on this earth:

1,999,998- you've helped me realize that although some days my grief can be all consuming, I can still be of service to others, and 99% of the time, I'll be happy I did.

1,999,999- you've helped me recognize that confronting tough situations early on will help me  overcome and bring a peace that would be hard to come by had I not confronted the situation at all.  I keep having to remind myself to conquer my awkward/uncomfortable/tough situations and let them go rather than dwelling on them.  I know that if I decide to dwell on the negatives instead of confronting them, it will soon breed resentment, bad feelings and more guilt.  This is a great reminder for lots of life situations.

2,000,000 - you've helped me tune in to the needs of our family here on earth.  I now see with greater clarity as far as what my family needs from me, and now as I finally start to get a grip on my grief overall, I can be of more service to them and recognize the true blessings they are in my life and shower them with a greater love and appreciation.

2,000,001 - you've instilled in me a greater confidence in myself and my abilities.  I’ve become more genuine I think.  For the first time in a long time (if ever), I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I have so many thoughts and emotions constantly running through my head that I don’t have the time to filter my thoughts and comments for each individual person anymore.  I am who I am, and I’m enjoying not worrying as much about what people think.

I'm so proud of you for making us all better people.  You've encouraged us to trust in the Lord and as we do, the blessings are immeasurable.

Much love!
Mom

Hard days...

Brynlee,
I've been so strong for almost 8 weeks now, but the past few days have really gotten the best of me.  They really stunk actually.  I miss you dearly.  Not long ago, I could keep my composure if I felt a tug on my heart, but lately it's been so hard.  Everything reminds me of you.  I think about you constantly, which compromises my ability to remember other things.  Just the other day, your brother Logan and I were going to run errands and I went back in the house to get something I forgot FIVE times... and I still forgot something, but decided our neighbors would start to seriously worry about me if I drove by one more time.  But you know what?  I'm happy to focus all my thoughts on you... for now anyways.  I feel too vulnerable when I leave the comfort and security of our home.  I never know who I'll run into, what looks I'll get, what feelings I'll have...etc. etc. etc.  Today I watched our video from in the hospital again.  What I'd give to just be able to hold your body again, or feel you wiggle around inside of me.  Even though I know time will heal the sorrow some, I don't want the memories of our time together to fade as well.
Anyway, your brother just woke up from him nap.  We love you!!

Mom

Update on Life

Now 5 weeks since Brynlee's services, life is starting to take on a new normal.  Here's what's been happening:
Leah's work - I took a 3 week break from work after Brynlee was born. Going back was hard.  One of the hardest things for me to get back into.  Work really reminds me of Brynlee.  Maybe it's because it was the time I was most still (yet awake)?  Most of her major movements I remember happening at work.  It was much easier to pay attention when I wasn't constantly chasing after a moving toddler.  Work also was hard because that's what I was doing the two days leading up to finding out she was gone.  When I returned, it was hard to find my notes and work that I was doing before I left.  "If only I knew..." was a recurrent thought those first few days back at work.
Randy's work - Randy took 1 full week off, then worked 1 week of half-days just to transition back.  Since going back, he's modified his schedule some to allow more time at home.  He now works a couple hours from home in the morning before going in at his usual time.  This now allows him to return home earlier in the evening and Logan and I are loving the extra time with him!
Many New Friends -  Through the Missing Grace girls, we've met Lindsey at the Star Legacy Foundation, which invited us to the Stillbirth Summit which was held in Minneapolis Oct. 6-8.  At that event, we met researches from across the world as well as Dr. Collins and many other people making a difference in the world of stillbirths to raise awareness and support families who have experienced (or are experiencing) the loss of a child due to stillbirth.  I have a great interest in the work these organizations are doing and plan to stay in touch with many of them and possibly become more involved when I feel ready...
We also attended our first pregnancy loss group meeting this month.  My heart aches for these other families, as many of them haven't had the support we've been blessed with and only want someone to listen.  Situations such as ours make people uncomfortable, and unfortunately leave these families feeling completely alone.  No one wants to talk about it.  No one wants to make them sad.  No one wants to say the wrong thing.  But for most mothers such as myself, we WANT to talk about it.  We want to remember our babies.... Hence this blog :)
Information Overload on What Went Wrong - This has definitely been interesting.  I've learned a lot about health care and all the accompanying politics.  A lot of it is completely unfair.  If I start to go into details, I'll never stop.  All I'll say is that umbilical cord accidents CAN be prevented.  It just takes the doctors, the researchers, and the mommas all being on the same page.  Warning signs I wish I knew before: (I experienced them all!)
1.  Excessive duration and episodes of hiccups.
2.  Increased or decreased movement patterns.  Know what's "normal" for your baby.  I (and many moms with cord issues) experience hyperactive movement followed by decreased movement. 
3.  A "gut feeling" that something is wrong.  I went wrong on two accounts regarding this.  First of all, I trusted my entire pregnancy to the doctors.  When they said I was fine when I was worried, I believed them 100% and dismissed my gut.  Secondly, I think I dismissed my gut feeling because I was in complete denial.  "Rare things don't happen to me" I thought.  Boy did I learn my lesson...

Getting back into "life" definitely isn't easy.  I miss my baby every day, and the bills never stop arriving in our mailbox, but each day is getting easier - slowly but surely.

Welcome to the Family

Brynlee,
It's now six weeks past the day you were born and I want you to know how much you mean to us.  We were eagerly awaiting your arrival before we knew your circumstance and couldn't wait to take you home and welcome you into our family.  Although we had our plans, God also had his.  I've seen God's hand in many things relating our recent events and know that he had (and has) a plan for you as well as each of us.  I've accepted that His plan didn't include you being fully born on this earth - you didn't need that, but instead to gain a body and make an impact in our lives.  And that amazes me - the impact you've made in my life, your daddys life, your brother Logan's life, and so many more lives around us.  You've brought a special piece of heaven and God's spirit to us when you came and it could be felt by many.  You've passed that special spirit on to your dad and I and that is what has carried us through all of this.  It's a spirit that never existed in our lives before.  That spirit is what has allowed us to see the bigger picture.  That is what has caused change in our lives.  That is what has given us strength.  Undoubtedly, that special spirit came when you were born and still lingers with us to this day... and that gives me immeasurable peace.
You're a part of our family.  Some people may argue it or try to dispute it, but I know it's true.  We'll see you again some day and our family will be together forever.  I'll be sure of it. But, because we don't know when that day will come, I want you to know of our immense love for you. I'm sure you see it.  And maybe you can even feel it.  I sure hope so.  I'm so proud of you for being such an important and faithful servant of our Lord.  You've definitely raised the bar for the rest of us and we'll work harder than we ever have here on earth to ensure that we, together as a family, can reunite and reside for all eternity in the presence of God.  Until then, I know you're busy up there.  Continue to do that which is good.  If there's anything I learned about your personality while you were inside my womb is that you're a go-getter.  You have a lot of spunk and enthusiasm.  Use it for good.

Love for always,
Mom