Update on Life

Now 5 weeks since Brynlee's services, life is starting to take on a new normal.  Here's what's been happening:
Leah's work - I took a 3 week break from work after Brynlee was born. Going back was hard.  One of the hardest things for me to get back into.  Work really reminds me of Brynlee.  Maybe it's because it was the time I was most still (yet awake)?  Most of her major movements I remember happening at work.  It was much easier to pay attention when I wasn't constantly chasing after a moving toddler.  Work also was hard because that's what I was doing the two days leading up to finding out she was gone.  When I returned, it was hard to find my notes and work that I was doing before I left.  "If only I knew..." was a recurrent thought those first few days back at work.
Randy's work - Randy took 1 full week off, then worked 1 week of half-days just to transition back.  Since going back, he's modified his schedule some to allow more time at home.  He now works a couple hours from home in the morning before going in at his usual time.  This now allows him to return home earlier in the evening and Logan and I are loving the extra time with him!
Many New Friends -  Through the Missing Grace girls, we've met Lindsey at the Star Legacy Foundation, which invited us to the Stillbirth Summit which was held in Minneapolis Oct. 6-8.  At that event, we met researches from across the world as well as Dr. Collins and many other people making a difference in the world of stillbirths to raise awareness and support families who have experienced (or are experiencing) the loss of a child due to stillbirth.  I have a great interest in the work these organizations are doing and plan to stay in touch with many of them and possibly become more involved when I feel ready...
We also attended our first pregnancy loss group meeting this month.  My heart aches for these other families, as many of them haven't had the support we've been blessed with and only want someone to listen.  Situations such as ours make people uncomfortable, and unfortunately leave these families feeling completely alone.  No one wants to talk about it.  No one wants to make them sad.  No one wants to say the wrong thing.  But for most mothers such as myself, we WANT to talk about it.  We want to remember our babies.... Hence this blog :)
Information Overload on What Went Wrong - This has definitely been interesting.  I've learned a lot about health care and all the accompanying politics.  A lot of it is completely unfair.  If I start to go into details, I'll never stop.  All I'll say is that umbilical cord accidents CAN be prevented.  It just takes the doctors, the researchers, and the mommas all being on the same page.  Warning signs I wish I knew before: (I experienced them all!)
1.  Excessive duration and episodes of hiccups.
2.  Increased or decreased movement patterns.  Know what's "normal" for your baby.  I (and many moms with cord issues) experience hyperactive movement followed by decreased movement. 
3.  A "gut feeling" that something is wrong.  I went wrong on two accounts regarding this.  First of all, I trusted my entire pregnancy to the doctors.  When they said I was fine when I was worried, I believed them 100% and dismissed my gut.  Secondly, I think I dismissed my gut feeling because I was in complete denial.  "Rare things don't happen to me" I thought.  Boy did I learn my lesson...

Getting back into "life" definitely isn't easy.  I miss my baby every day, and the bills never stop arriving in our mailbox, but each day is getting easier - slowly but surely.