Modern Script Girl Birth Announcement
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"That's a Wrap"
1 year ago
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Lillians Birth Story
I figured I better get this written down now, before I'm at home and things get crazy. It's been nice being in the hospital since Lillians birth actually - no cooking meals, no laundry, no dishes, no nothing except spending time with our new little princess.
Anyway, her birth story goes like this:
We were scheduled to be induced the evening of Wednesday, August 1 at 38 weeks. So... we decided we'd cater to the Loganator that day and let him choose what he wanted to do that morning. His choice: the Mall of America. So, we went to the MOA and rode whatever rides he wanted, then played at Legoland before heading home. I was incredibly tired that day and left feeling like it was more of a daddy and Logan day and I just trailed along. No matter where we went, I was constantly searching out the nearest bench to sit on while Randy and Logan played. Anyway, after the MOA we headed to General Mills headquarters so Randy could attend a quick meeting while we ran a few errands. Logan and I finished our errands early so we were just sitting and waiting for him to return. I had been quite worried that morning, as Lilly was quite quiet that whole morning. I was constantly trying to pay attention to kicks while telling myself it was just my nerves and to relax, thinking that we were going to be going in to the hospital in just a few hours anyway. Well, while we were sitting waiting, I decided to do official kick counts thru an app on our ipod. As I was paying such close attention to kicks (which she passed just fine), I noticed that I was also contracting. At 4:00 (when Randy's meeting was officially over), I texted Randy inside to tell him that contractions were 2 mins apart and fairly uncomfortable! He was quite surprised and rushed out so we could rush home, drop of Logan, grab our things, and head back to the hospital. On the way home, I called the hospital, who told me to come in as soon as we could get there. I was SO relieved to think we were actually going in on our own, and might not need to be induced after all!
Luckily, when we got home, my mom was already there waiting, so we grabbed our things, kissed Logan goodbye and rushed back into the hospital. We thought it would be no problem living so far away from the hospital, but it's EVEN FARTHER when you're in Plymouth, have to go home, then back to Edina!
When we got in, they got us hooked up to the monitor. Sure enough, contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. I was SO happy too to FINALLY be on a monitor and know that she was doing ok. They then ordered an ultrasound to see if she was still positioned head down.... and she WAS!! I literally wanted to hug the sonographer after that news! We stayed on the NST monitor for awhile and then they told us that they were going to get the delivery cart "just in case", thinking that we might go really quickly, considering that I had already dilated to 3cm. I was almost giddy thinking that this could really go quickly and the contractions weren't even really bothering me yet. So we walked, and walked, and walked. I sat on the birthing ball too, then finally decided to try and take a rest. Taking a rest wasn't exactly the best idea ever.... when I woke up at 3am, and turned over to look at the monitor, I realized the contractions had become less intense, and became irregular and closer to 5 mins apart. So we walked, and walked and walked some more as we waited for the next step - Dr. Brown's visit at 7am. I became cranky, as now I felt that we were starting over, needing pitocin to regulate the contractions and eventually, an epidural. When Dr. Brown came, she broke my water and we started the pitocin. Not long after, I agreed to the epidural and we stayed at 4 cm FOREVER! I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and between that and the epidural, I didn't feel so well. So, I really tried to rest as much as I could. At one point, they woke me and told me that baby's heartrate was dropping with the contractions, and they were going to give me a boost of oxygen....not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I kept telling myself that if something should happen, we are definitely in the right place. As a bonus, the oxygen helped with my nausea!
Anyway, like I said, I was stuck at 4 cm forever! I was feeling some pressure down low and noted it to the nurse, but thought it was just pressing on some nerves that weren't numbed by the epidural (or so she told me). Around 10:15, I told the nurse that it was becoming more painful but when she checked me, she said baby's head was still pretty far back and we were still only 4-5 cm. She said she thought that maybe baby was ready to drop, but just needed to get into the right position so she could drop. I just kept thinking about the cord and what if it was what was keeping her from dropping. I started to worry that she was stuck and the only way we'd get her out would be to go in for a c-section. Around 10:45, Randy had gone to grab a quick early lunch. The pressure was now pretty intense pain and it felt so much like baby descending. I waited through some, then called the nurse back telling her that either it's baby or I was going to need some additional pain meds for the pain. She checked and sure enough... we were FINALLY almost fully dilated!!! We went from 4 cm to 10 cm in maybe a half hour. I was SO HAPPY! We were almost there, and the risk of a c-section was now unlikely. Dr. Brown was called and so we waited until she arrived around 12:00 to get started pushing.
Two or three pushes later and she was here!!! Born with the cord loosely around her neck, but born alive! Seeing (literally - with my eyes) her crying and moving about, was the best feeling in the entire world. WE did it!!! I was no longer pregnant! I could just feel all the worry and anxiety melt away in that moment.
Anyway, her birth story goes like this:
We were scheduled to be induced the evening of Wednesday, August 1 at 38 weeks. So... we decided we'd cater to the Loganator that day and let him choose what he wanted to do that morning. His choice: the Mall of America. So, we went to the MOA and rode whatever rides he wanted, then played at Legoland before heading home. I was incredibly tired that day and left feeling like it was more of a daddy and Logan day and I just trailed along. No matter where we went, I was constantly searching out the nearest bench to sit on while Randy and Logan played. Anyway, after the MOA we headed to General Mills headquarters so Randy could attend a quick meeting while we ran a few errands. Logan and I finished our errands early so we were just sitting and waiting for him to return. I had been quite worried that morning, as Lilly was quite quiet that whole morning. I was constantly trying to pay attention to kicks while telling myself it was just my nerves and to relax, thinking that we were going to be going in to the hospital in just a few hours anyway. Well, while we were sitting waiting, I decided to do official kick counts thru an app on our ipod. As I was paying such close attention to kicks (which she passed just fine), I noticed that I was also contracting. At 4:00 (when Randy's meeting was officially over), I texted Randy inside to tell him that contractions were 2 mins apart and fairly uncomfortable! He was quite surprised and rushed out so we could rush home, drop of Logan, grab our things, and head back to the hospital. On the way home, I called the hospital, who told me to come in as soon as we could get there. I was SO relieved to think we were actually going in on our own, and might not need to be induced after all!
Luckily, when we got home, my mom was already there waiting, so we grabbed our things, kissed Logan goodbye and rushed back into the hospital. We thought it would be no problem living so far away from the hospital, but it's EVEN FARTHER when you're in Plymouth, have to go home, then back to Edina!
When we got in, they got us hooked up to the monitor. Sure enough, contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. I was SO happy too to FINALLY be on a monitor and know that she was doing ok. They then ordered an ultrasound to see if she was still positioned head down.... and she WAS!! I literally wanted to hug the sonographer after that news! We stayed on the NST monitor for awhile and then they told us that they were going to get the delivery cart "just in case", thinking that we might go really quickly, considering that I had already dilated to 3cm. I was almost giddy thinking that this could really go quickly and the contractions weren't even really bothering me yet. So we walked, and walked, and walked. I sat on the birthing ball too, then finally decided to try and take a rest. Taking a rest wasn't exactly the best idea ever.... when I woke up at 3am, and turned over to look at the monitor, I realized the contractions had become less intense, and became irregular and closer to 5 mins apart. So we walked, and walked and walked some more as we waited for the next step - Dr. Brown's visit at 7am. I became cranky, as now I felt that we were starting over, needing pitocin to regulate the contractions and eventually, an epidural. When Dr. Brown came, she broke my water and we started the pitocin. Not long after, I agreed to the epidural and we stayed at 4 cm FOREVER! I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and between that and the epidural, I didn't feel so well. So, I really tried to rest as much as I could. At one point, they woke me and told me that baby's heartrate was dropping with the contractions, and they were going to give me a boost of oxygen....not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I kept telling myself that if something should happen, we are definitely in the right place. As a bonus, the oxygen helped with my nausea!
Anyway, like I said, I was stuck at 4 cm forever! I was feeling some pressure down low and noted it to the nurse, but thought it was just pressing on some nerves that weren't numbed by the epidural (or so she told me). Around 10:15, I told the nurse that it was becoming more painful but when she checked me, she said baby's head was still pretty far back and we were still only 4-5 cm. She said she thought that maybe baby was ready to drop, but just needed to get into the right position so she could drop. I just kept thinking about the cord and what if it was what was keeping her from dropping. I started to worry that she was stuck and the only way we'd get her out would be to go in for a c-section. Around 10:45, Randy had gone to grab a quick early lunch. The pressure was now pretty intense pain and it felt so much like baby descending. I waited through some, then called the nurse back telling her that either it's baby or I was going to need some additional pain meds for the pain. She checked and sure enough... we were FINALLY almost fully dilated!!! We went from 4 cm to 10 cm in maybe a half hour. I was SO HAPPY! We were almost there, and the risk of a c-section was now unlikely. Dr. Brown was called and so we waited until she arrived around 12:00 to get started pushing.
Two or three pushes later and she was here!!! Born with the cord loosely around her neck, but born alive! Seeing (literally - with my eyes) her crying and moving about, was the best feeling in the entire world. WE did it!!! I was no longer pregnant! I could just feel all the worry and anxiety melt away in that moment.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Dear baby,
Baby, this is my first official post to you. Finally, with only 10 days left until your scheduled birth, I feel hopeful enough that we just might be able to take you home, get to know you and watch you grow. I'm nervous, scared, stressed, filled with anticipation, hopeful and excited all in one. Wondering how it will be to be celebrating your daddy's birthday, shortly after yours, with you in our home. How will life be different? I hope that I never lose sight of what blessings you and your sister have brought us. I see you being a team, to teach us about love, about loss, and about having hope and faith.
Physically, you're really starting to wear me down. How I ever made it to 40 weeks with your brother Logan, I'll never know... I ache, I hurt, I'm extremely tired, and ready to hold you on the outside rather than in my belly. Emotionally, you make me a mess. Not being able to see you with my eyes makes me a little uneasy. If I could see you on the outside, I'd be able to see if you're in trouble. Now I just do everything I know to do to monitor you to make sure you're safe. In addition to our bi-weekly BPPs and NSTs, I pay close attention to kicks, movement patterns, and hiccups, in addition to monitoring your heartrate from home whenever I'm worried. The medical world isn't necessarily helping matters. I understand that the umbilical cord provides you with nourishment. It helps you grow. It helps deliver all the nutrients to make you healthy. BUT, I see it also as a threat - a big threat. The thing that literally turned on your sister. Now, I don't like it. I don't trust it. Despite it's "good", I see it as the enemy. SO, when I ask sonographers (in particular) about it's position in relation to baby, they (the sonographers) either avoid the question, pretend they didn't hear it, feed me the same response each time (like it's all gathered in front of the baby's belly) or tell me flat out that they won't tell me. To them, it's not a threat. "Babies are born wrapped in it all the time and it's rarely ever an issue." they tell me. But rarely doesn't say that it DOESN'T happen....and I struggle with what position to take. Maybe I do need to relax and trust that everyone knows what they're doing...?? Or maybe I need to fight to have ALL the answers to ensure my baby's safe delivery....? I've concluded that I need to maintain partial sanity through all of this, so I'll try to have more faith that the bi-weekly monitoring will catch any problems...up until delivery. Then I think I'll want to know... We'll see what they say next week at our last look at you from the inside... then I'll want to know it all...I'll want to be prepared for anything.
Despite all the worry, the fear, the aches and pains though, baby, I'm really truly excited to meet you. I'm excited to see your daddy scoop you up into his arms just as he did for Logan and Brynlee. I'm excited for Logan to be your big brother, and to have the opportunity to talk to you all about your sister Brynlee, so that you may know of her, and know of our eternal family and that we will all be reunited again. Honestly though, baby, I can't help but think that you already know of your sister Brynlee, again that you're a team!, you already know of Heavenly Father's plan for us. Of course, you won't remember this for long, but that's where I'll help you remember and know that each child born unto us is a blessing, whether here or in heaven.
Baby, as I sit here, I feel your kicks. I feel contractions - ones I'm sure won't lead us anywhere, but I'm excited that it means my body is getting ready. I'm excited to finally be excited! As I've said before, I feel many times like pregnancy is too raw to me now. It's not all sunshine and flowers anymore, because I've learned the hard way that nothing is guaranteed. Being pregnant, no matter how far along you are, does not always equal a baby in your arms as you walk out of the hospital. However, ever so slowly, we're gaining hope. With each morning as I feel your kicks, I thank God that you have lived another night....each day bringing us increased "sunshine" and hope that maybe this time, it'll all be ok. Sure, we still have plenty of fear, but to feel this anticipation and excitement starting to swell, I'm grateful to finally experience some of these feelings.
We already love you so much! We can't wait to see your sweet face....to see who you resemble the most. To hold you. To sing to you. To cuddle with you. To watch you grow. To see how our family dynamics change with you in it. Be strong in there! Only 10 more days before we come to rescue you! :)
Much love,
your Momma
xoxo
Physically, you're really starting to wear me down. How I ever made it to 40 weeks with your brother Logan, I'll never know... I ache, I hurt, I'm extremely tired, and ready to hold you on the outside rather than in my belly. Emotionally, you make me a mess. Not being able to see you with my eyes makes me a little uneasy. If I could see you on the outside, I'd be able to see if you're in trouble. Now I just do everything I know to do to monitor you to make sure you're safe. In addition to our bi-weekly BPPs and NSTs, I pay close attention to kicks, movement patterns, and hiccups, in addition to monitoring your heartrate from home whenever I'm worried. The medical world isn't necessarily helping matters. I understand that the umbilical cord provides you with nourishment. It helps you grow. It helps deliver all the nutrients to make you healthy. BUT, I see it also as a threat - a big threat. The thing that literally turned on your sister. Now, I don't like it. I don't trust it. Despite it's "good", I see it as the enemy. SO, when I ask sonographers (in particular) about it's position in relation to baby, they (the sonographers) either avoid the question, pretend they didn't hear it, feed me the same response each time (like it's all gathered in front of the baby's belly) or tell me flat out that they won't tell me. To them, it's not a threat. "Babies are born wrapped in it all the time and it's rarely ever an issue." they tell me. But rarely doesn't say that it DOESN'T happen....and I struggle with what position to take. Maybe I do need to relax and trust that everyone knows what they're doing...?? Or maybe I need to fight to have ALL the answers to ensure my baby's safe delivery....? I've concluded that I need to maintain partial sanity through all of this, so I'll try to have more faith that the bi-weekly monitoring will catch any problems...up until delivery. Then I think I'll want to know... We'll see what they say next week at our last look at you from the inside... then I'll want to know it all...I'll want to be prepared for anything.
Despite all the worry, the fear, the aches and pains though, baby, I'm really truly excited to meet you. I'm excited to see your daddy scoop you up into his arms just as he did for Logan and Brynlee. I'm excited for Logan to be your big brother, and to have the opportunity to talk to you all about your sister Brynlee, so that you may know of her, and know of our eternal family and that we will all be reunited again. Honestly though, baby, I can't help but think that you already know of your sister Brynlee, again that you're a team!, you already know of Heavenly Father's plan for us. Of course, you won't remember this for long, but that's where I'll help you remember and know that each child born unto us is a blessing, whether here or in heaven.
Baby, as I sit here, I feel your kicks. I feel contractions - ones I'm sure won't lead us anywhere, but I'm excited that it means my body is getting ready. I'm excited to finally be excited! As I've said before, I feel many times like pregnancy is too raw to me now. It's not all sunshine and flowers anymore, because I've learned the hard way that nothing is guaranteed. Being pregnant, no matter how far along you are, does not always equal a baby in your arms as you walk out of the hospital. However, ever so slowly, we're gaining hope. With each morning as I feel your kicks, I thank God that you have lived another night....each day bringing us increased "sunshine" and hope that maybe this time, it'll all be ok. Sure, we still have plenty of fear, but to feel this anticipation and excitement starting to swell, I'm grateful to finally experience some of these feelings.
We already love you so much! We can't wait to see your sweet face....to see who you resemble the most. To hold you. To sing to you. To cuddle with you. To watch you grow. To see how our family dynamics change with you in it. Be strong in there! Only 10 more days before we come to rescue you! :)
Much love,
your Momma
xoxo
Sunday, April 22, 2012
A LOT of catch-up!
I've been meaning post an update (more like updates!) for the longest time, but I'm finding it really hard to keep up my my thoughts/feelings lately, as they change all the time and definitely are scattered all over the place! Just as I think about one topic to post, another takes over my mind. It's a bit exhausting.... Anyway, here they are - as random and scattered as they are.
Probably the biggest news is that we're expecting another baby! Not quite sure what emotion sums that one up... of course we're excited, but apprehensive, scared, guilty...(you name it!) too. My rational side tells me that the odds are in our favor this time and we'll have a healthy baby in our arms in no time, but my emotional side is cautious. It wonders if we REALLY know what happened with Brynlee. Yes, her cord was around her neck, but babies are born with the cord around their neck all the time and are healthy. Was she getting the nourishment she needed? Did my body fail her? I just hope we're covering all our bases this time. Plus now, we're WAY more educated about the matter than we were before. Which can be good AND bad... Good that we are equipped with a greater knowledge, and an increased ability to rationalize my own intuition with facts, but bad that I'm now aware of so many more things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. Just to get to the point of having a healthy, breathing baby is a HUGE accomplishment. Nobody should ever take that for granted!
So backing up, we found out we're pregnant in early December. It didn't happen exactly to plan, so we immediately scheduled an appointment to talk things over with our doctor (same one as we had with Brynlee). She was shocked to see us so soon after her recommendation to wait a few months before trying again. We explained it wasn't according to anyone's plan, but it was real. Frankly, I was scared and I wanted to know that she was going to take every precaution with us this time. Much to our disappointment, she was a little put off and said she wasn't going to talk about a "plan" until we even knew if this baby was "viable". We had just lost our baby at 35 weeks three months prior and now she's giving us no hope that this baby will live either?? I couldn't believe it, but again rationalized that doctor knows best and we should just prepare for miscarriage. We scheduled an ultrasound for the week after Christmas to determine "viability" and baby passed that wonderfully. But even still, after she told us our risk for miscarriage had now dropped to less than 5%, I still braced myself for the worst, yet secretly hoping for the best. We then met and discussed a "plan", which basically included a lot of talk about not wanting to do too much testing, which would "worry us" and "push us into delivering early". To a degree, I agree with this, but if it comes down to a baby in the NICU, or a baby that has died....I think I'll take the first option, thank you. We discussed wanting to work with Dr. Collins, which she was really uncomfortable with...and so on and so forth. BUT...we clung to the fact that she knew our history. And to us, that was important. But, we already had a consult scheduled with Dr. Brown, and figured we may as well go and just hear what she has to say. As I said in my other post, we received so much more care and concern with Dr. Brown. It really left no choice. Dr. Brown was it. We knew immediately that it wasn't about exclusively following statistics or protocol with her....she acted on instincts as well. God gave us "instincts" for a reason, and I'm glad she recognizes that God-given gift. The Star Legacy Foundation has posted a very well-put position on a mother's intuition exclusively, which is where I stole this brilliant quote from Mr. Albert Einstein:
Moving on, we tried to line things up to provide the best possible outcome for ourselves and this baby. Like I said, we changed doctors, we got in contact with Dr. Collins, started on Lovenox injections, I turned my every attention to our family - quitting my job, and starting praying continuously for a healthy pregnancy. It wasn't until about 16 weeks that my belly starting saying more than we were. I tried for a week or so to break the news to people, but I could never muster up the courage, so despite the fact that we swore we were never going to go "facebook official" with another pregnancy, we did it that way just so I didn't have to face people's initial reactions. Part of me didn't know how to respond to people's wide array of feelings upon hearing the news. I knew some people would cry, and some would shout for joy. Some might even mean well, but say something hurtful. I wasn't thinking clearly enough myself to know how even I should react to these reactions. Another part of me wasn't ready to get my hopes up. Not yet. "A lot could still happen in 20 weeks". SO, we put an announcement on facebook and it worked out really well for us. Impersonal - yes. But it was a good way of telling people, without officially having to utter the words. People responded so well though. We really feel so loved. It's so comforting knowing that others are cheering us on!
And...we found out its another GIRL!! We both were secretly hoping for another girl. Not that we wouldn't have been happy to have EITHER gender, as long as he or she would be healthy and well, but just to know that we hopefully WILL be able to raise at least ONE of our precious girls is such a gift. There definitely were a few tears shed in the ultrasound room :)
Along the same lines, is how we decided to tell Logan about THIS baby sister. Before, we took the approach to include Logan in everything related to Brynlee and our pregnancy, but this time it's hard to do that again. We're now 23 weeks and he has only been to one appointment even before he knew what was going on. I can't take seeing his heart break again, should something happen. When we told him that Heavenly Father has blessed us with another baby, he said "YAY!!!" then "will this baby die too?". Poor kid. It's a lot for a 3 year old to take in...
On brighter lines, he continues to hold a special place in his heart for his sister Brynlee. Lately, they made houses at school and cut pictures out of magazines for all the members of their family. His included mom, dad, Logan, Brynlee, and a mysterious dog which he claims is "Rufus" :) He never skips a beat. Brynlee is always included in his prayers and in his art projects and conversations about our family. The other weekend he was contently playing with his trains when he turned around and said "Mommy, Brynlee is always in our hearts". I honestly don't know where he comes up with the wording for some of the things he says, because it's not something we say repeatedly to him, but it's so sweet to see, and be a part of.
I've been continuing to talk with the people at both the Star Legacy Foundation and Missing Grace and take away so much from each conversation. We've been so blessed to have come in contact with these organizations.
The day finally came for us to meet with the doctor that read Brynlee's last NST. As expected, I was NERVOUS but so glad I have a husband with a good head on his shoulders and he helped me gather and "funnel" my thoughts (as he liked to call it) :) He came with to the meeting and the doctor actually showed up! I had him go over the printout of the NST, page by page and discuss his findings with us once again. We then got into a conversation about a more gray area...kick counts. I would bet most mothers don't do them - and for good reason, I suppose. Probably the same reasons I never did. But will I from now on? Without a doubt! But, how is a mom supposed to do kick counts when the information out there is inconsistent and wishy washy. This is what we discussed and I could see, even from him, he was confused by the whole matter! So.... next step: try to bridge the gap. We're meeting with the founder of the Star Legacy Foundation this next weekend to discuss possible steps to bring some education on the matter to this clinic. One step at a time!
Yep, that about sums up the directions of my thoughts lately. Mix that with about every emotion in the book, and it's a pretty good summary of how things are going. Yet, despite all of this, I remain eternally grateful for my wonderful and patient husband, the love of a mother, and eternal families.
Probably the biggest news is that we're expecting another baby! Not quite sure what emotion sums that one up... of course we're excited, but apprehensive, scared, guilty...(you name it!) too. My rational side tells me that the odds are in our favor this time and we'll have a healthy baby in our arms in no time, but my emotional side is cautious. It wonders if we REALLY know what happened with Brynlee. Yes, her cord was around her neck, but babies are born with the cord around their neck all the time and are healthy. Was she getting the nourishment she needed? Did my body fail her? I just hope we're covering all our bases this time. Plus now, we're WAY more educated about the matter than we were before. Which can be good AND bad... Good that we are equipped with a greater knowledge, and an increased ability to rationalize my own intuition with facts, but bad that I'm now aware of so many more things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. Just to get to the point of having a healthy, breathing baby is a HUGE accomplishment. Nobody should ever take that for granted!
So backing up, we found out we're pregnant in early December. It didn't happen exactly to plan, so we immediately scheduled an appointment to talk things over with our doctor (same one as we had with Brynlee). She was shocked to see us so soon after her recommendation to wait a few months before trying again. We explained it wasn't according to anyone's plan, but it was real. Frankly, I was scared and I wanted to know that she was going to take every precaution with us this time. Much to our disappointment, she was a little put off and said she wasn't going to talk about a "plan" until we even knew if this baby was "viable". We had just lost our baby at 35 weeks three months prior and now she's giving us no hope that this baby will live either?? I couldn't believe it, but again rationalized that doctor knows best and we should just prepare for miscarriage. We scheduled an ultrasound for the week after Christmas to determine "viability" and baby passed that wonderfully. But even still, after she told us our risk for miscarriage had now dropped to less than 5%, I still braced myself for the worst, yet secretly hoping for the best. We then met and discussed a "plan", which basically included a lot of talk about not wanting to do too much testing, which would "worry us" and "push us into delivering early". To a degree, I agree with this, but if it comes down to a baby in the NICU, or a baby that has died....I think I'll take the first option, thank you. We discussed wanting to work with Dr. Collins, which she was really uncomfortable with...and so on and so forth. BUT...we clung to the fact that she knew our history. And to us, that was important. But, we already had a consult scheduled with Dr. Brown, and figured we may as well go and just hear what she has to say. As I said in my other post, we received so much more care and concern with Dr. Brown. It really left no choice. Dr. Brown was it. We knew immediately that it wasn't about exclusively following statistics or protocol with her....she acted on instincts as well. God gave us "instincts" for a reason, and I'm glad she recognizes that God-given gift. The Star Legacy Foundation has posted a very well-put position on a mother's intuition exclusively, which is where I stole this brilliant quote from Mr. Albert Einstein:
Moving on, we tried to line things up to provide the best possible outcome for ourselves and this baby. Like I said, we changed doctors, we got in contact with Dr. Collins, started on Lovenox injections, I turned my every attention to our family - quitting my job, and starting praying continuously for a healthy pregnancy. It wasn't until about 16 weeks that my belly starting saying more than we were. I tried for a week or so to break the news to people, but I could never muster up the courage, so despite the fact that we swore we were never going to go "facebook official" with another pregnancy, we did it that way just so I didn't have to face people's initial reactions. Part of me didn't know how to respond to people's wide array of feelings upon hearing the news. I knew some people would cry, and some would shout for joy. Some might even mean well, but say something hurtful. I wasn't thinking clearly enough myself to know how even I should react to these reactions. Another part of me wasn't ready to get my hopes up. Not yet. "A lot could still happen in 20 weeks". SO, we put an announcement on facebook and it worked out really well for us. Impersonal - yes. But it was a good way of telling people, without officially having to utter the words. People responded so well though. We really feel so loved. It's so comforting knowing that others are cheering us on!
And...we found out its another GIRL!! We both were secretly hoping for another girl. Not that we wouldn't have been happy to have EITHER gender, as long as he or she would be healthy and well, but just to know that we hopefully WILL be able to raise at least ONE of our precious girls is such a gift. There definitely were a few tears shed in the ultrasound room :)
Along the same lines, is how we decided to tell Logan about THIS baby sister. Before, we took the approach to include Logan in everything related to Brynlee and our pregnancy, but this time it's hard to do that again. We're now 23 weeks and he has only been to one appointment even before he knew what was going on. I can't take seeing his heart break again, should something happen. When we told him that Heavenly Father has blessed us with another baby, he said "YAY!!!" then "will this baby die too?". Poor kid. It's a lot for a 3 year old to take in...
On brighter lines, he continues to hold a special place in his heart for his sister Brynlee. Lately, they made houses at school and cut pictures out of magazines for all the members of their family. His included mom, dad, Logan, Brynlee, and a mysterious dog which he claims is "Rufus" :) He never skips a beat. Brynlee is always included in his prayers and in his art projects and conversations about our family. The other weekend he was contently playing with his trains when he turned around and said "Mommy, Brynlee is always in our hearts". I honestly don't know where he comes up with the wording for some of the things he says, because it's not something we say repeatedly to him, but it's so sweet to see, and be a part of.
I've been continuing to talk with the people at both the Star Legacy Foundation and Missing Grace and take away so much from each conversation. We've been so blessed to have come in contact with these organizations.
The day finally came for us to meet with the doctor that read Brynlee's last NST. As expected, I was NERVOUS but so glad I have a husband with a good head on his shoulders and he helped me gather and "funnel" my thoughts (as he liked to call it) :) He came with to the meeting and the doctor actually showed up! I had him go over the printout of the NST, page by page and discuss his findings with us once again. We then got into a conversation about a more gray area...kick counts. I would bet most mothers don't do them - and for good reason, I suppose. Probably the same reasons I never did. But will I from now on? Without a doubt! But, how is a mom supposed to do kick counts when the information out there is inconsistent and wishy washy. This is what we discussed and I could see, even from him, he was confused by the whole matter! So.... next step: try to bridge the gap. We're meeting with the founder of the Star Legacy Foundation this next weekend to discuss possible steps to bring some education on the matter to this clinic. One step at a time!
Yep, that about sums up the directions of my thoughts lately. Mix that with about every emotion in the book, and it's a pretty good summary of how things are going. Yet, despite all of this, I remain eternally grateful for my wonderful and patient husband, the love of a mother, and eternal families.
Friday, March 9, 2012
6 months
Brynlee,
Today marks six whole months since we got to hold your sweet body in our arms. Six months since the most devastating news in my life thus far. Six months of trying to understand what went wrong...what we could have done differently...what we could have done to save your precious little life.
Yesterday I finally sent off a note to our old clinic. Specifically, to the last doctor that was involved in your care as a living human being. To the one I have the most questions for. I've struggled with this from the second they told me you were gone....How could that non-stress test have failed us so miserably? So to him, I asked for a consultation - to talk. I really pray that he finds it in his heart to meet with us and help us come to some conclusion as to what went wrong. Of course, we know that the umbilical cord played some role (if not all of it) in your demise, but your story is just a little different than most other umbilical cord accidents. Most mothers whose baby has died of an umbilical cord accident report increased fetal activity one night and no movement the next morning. This just wasn't the case for you. You had increased fetal movement for several days, followed by a very significant decrease for a several days - up to a week or more. Honestly, you were moving so little when I went in for the non-stress test that I didn't even realize a week or so later when you were gone. I have incredible guilt that I didn't do more in that window to question the doctors, question the test, question the well-being of you, my child, in that moment. So... I find it impossible to move on from our old clinic without posing all of those questions now. I hope you can help me stay strong through it all. I don't anticipate this to be an easy meeting in any way...but a necessary one for my own healing. Without it, I assume things were missed, protocols weren't practiced, and doctors were lazy. I hate that I struggle with these negative feelings, and hope that this meeting can help close some of those doors for me. It's a tough line to walk... balancing those feelings of bitterness and suspiciousness and all the "what could have beens" and accepting what did happen and moving forward with an attitude of gratitude for all those moments we DID share together.
I've been needing a good emotional moment for some time now, and baby, you let me have it today! I'm so grateful to now be home full-time and have the ability to focus solely on our family and our home. After I read your brother his stories before naptime today, I let him stay in my arms until he had fallen asleep. As I looked at him sleeping so peacefully, I couldn't help but see so much of you in him. I was holding him in a position much like I had held you in the hospital and the similarities were incredible! I began to wonder what you would have grown up to look like... would you have had your brother's energetic personality? Would you have been a girly girl? How would Logan be now if he had a 6 month old sister getting into all of his things? I was so grateful that although your brother is 3 1/2 years old, I am still able to hold him close when my arms feel lonely. (Reminds me a bit of that book "I'll love you forever") :)
Every time I flip through the calendar, I almost feel like I didn't even notice the passing of the months between September and January. I finally feel like we're just starting to climb out of the fog we've been under for so long.
Well, happy six month angelversary, baby girl. We miss you like crazy and are happy that each day that passes, brings us one day closer to the blessed day that we can meet you again - this time body and soul together.
Much love baby girl!
Momma
Today marks six whole months since we got to hold your sweet body in our arms. Six months since the most devastating news in my life thus far. Six months of trying to understand what went wrong...what we could have done differently...what we could have done to save your precious little life.
Yesterday I finally sent off a note to our old clinic. Specifically, to the last doctor that was involved in your care as a living human being. To the one I have the most questions for. I've struggled with this from the second they told me you were gone....How could that non-stress test have failed us so miserably? So to him, I asked for a consultation - to talk. I really pray that he finds it in his heart to meet with us and help us come to some conclusion as to what went wrong. Of course, we know that the umbilical cord played some role (if not all of it) in your demise, but your story is just a little different than most other umbilical cord accidents. Most mothers whose baby has died of an umbilical cord accident report increased fetal activity one night and no movement the next morning. This just wasn't the case for you. You had increased fetal movement for several days, followed by a very significant decrease for a several days - up to a week or more. Honestly, you were moving so little when I went in for the non-stress test that I didn't even realize a week or so later when you were gone. I have incredible guilt that I didn't do more in that window to question the doctors, question the test, question the well-being of you, my child, in that moment. So... I find it impossible to move on from our old clinic without posing all of those questions now. I hope you can help me stay strong through it all. I don't anticipate this to be an easy meeting in any way...but a necessary one for my own healing. Without it, I assume things were missed, protocols weren't practiced, and doctors were lazy. I hate that I struggle with these negative feelings, and hope that this meeting can help close some of those doors for me. It's a tough line to walk... balancing those feelings of bitterness and suspiciousness and all the "what could have beens" and accepting what did happen and moving forward with an attitude of gratitude for all those moments we DID share together.
I've been needing a good emotional moment for some time now, and baby, you let me have it today! I'm so grateful to now be home full-time and have the ability to focus solely on our family and our home. After I read your brother his stories before naptime today, I let him stay in my arms until he had fallen asleep. As I looked at him sleeping so peacefully, I couldn't help but see so much of you in him. I was holding him in a position much like I had held you in the hospital and the similarities were incredible! I began to wonder what you would have grown up to look like... would you have had your brother's energetic personality? Would you have been a girly girl? How would Logan be now if he had a 6 month old sister getting into all of his things? I was so grateful that although your brother is 3 1/2 years old, I am still able to hold him close when my arms feel lonely. (Reminds me a bit of that book "I'll love you forever") :)
Every time I flip through the calendar, I almost feel like I didn't even notice the passing of the months between September and January. I finally feel like we're just starting to climb out of the fog we've been under for so long.
Well, happy six month angelversary, baby girl. We miss you like crazy and are happy that each day that passes, brings us one day closer to the blessed day that we can meet you again - this time body and soul together.
Much love baby girl!
Momma
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
"Two of a Kind, Workin on a Full House"
Well the cat's officially out of the bag... Petersen Baby #3 is on its way! We always told ourselves after losing Brynlee that we would never do a public announcement with our next baby, for fear that we again might have the break more bad news to the whole facebook population, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone face to face either. I tried...I really did, but I struggled with it A LOT! So from the moment we first found out until now at 15 1/2 weeks, I confided in just a handful of people. Honestly, I would have loved to wait until the whole pregnancy was over with to tell anyone but close friends and family, but it was starting to get socially awkward, for myself as I tried to conceal my growing belly, and for others who I could tell were realizing, but wouldn't be caught dead posing the question or making any remark about my belly. So, before it wasn't even a surprise to people anymore, we just put it out there. In a way, I'm glad we were able to tell people in a way I don't have to face people for their initial reaction, but in another way, it makes my stomach turn that we may be walking ourselves right into another situation where we don't bring home a baby again. I know... because Brynlee died of a cord accident, the statistics say it would be REALLY rare to happen again, but in my eyes it was rare that it happened in the first place. Odds don't mean anything to a person that has already been in the minority. Plus, I've heard from other researchers, that's there's evidence that exists that mothers who have had a cord issue are at a 10x greater risk of it happening again...and that scares the living daylights out of me.
So...to ease my mind this time around, I need to know that I am doing EVERYTHING (I mean EVERYTHING) I can to keep this baby healthy. I understand bad things can still happen, but this time I will know 100% that I did everything I could.
Hence our new doc - we met with her and worked out a "plan" we both felt comfortable with. First of all, she too suggested taking the Lovenox injections since my bloodwork came back a little high. Plus one baby aspirin a day to also thin the blood. Then the rest of my "plan" looks like this:
6.5 weeks - ultrasound to confirm "viability"
11 weeks - another ultrasound to ensure a healthy growing baby
19 weeks - Level 2 ultrasound with maternal fetal medicine to get an even more in-depth anatomy scan
28 weeks - Fly down to Louisianna to meet with Dr. Collins (THE one and only guy that studies umbilical cord complications) to perform his ultrasound, looking at the umbilical cord ONLY. He'll then discuss what he sees and send us home with a hospital grade non-stress test monitor. So, from 28 weeks until we deliver, I'll hook up, monitor for 20 minutes every night and upload the strip to a portal that he views every day. He'll then look for patterns and areas of concern. If he sees anything, he'll call immediately and have you go in to be monitored more closely at your hospital's labor and delivery unit. It's amazing what he can do and recognize by these non-stress tests alone. The fact that he has never lost a baby on his watch is extremely reassuring for me. Unfortunately, not all doctors, even those that see their patients routinely, can say this. In addition, my doctor has also agreed to log on and view the strips periodically as well.
Also from 28 weeks until delivery, will be twice a week appointments at the clinic - one time for a 30 minute non-stress test, and the other time for a bio-physical profile. So...that means every few days for around 10 weeks, we'll get to check up this baby to make sure there's no signs of stress. Again, so reassuring!
Then, doc says we're not waiting for delivery.... if I'm "full term" (around 38 weeks) and we've ensured baby is just as well "out" than "in", we'll just induce labor at that point. Which for me.....is wonderful news! By that point I know I'm going to just be a ball of nerves and nothing will make me feel better, except having our living, breathing baby in my arms.
So....although we're excited, it's muted a bit this time around. So many duck to get in a row and so many emotions to keep in check. I keep wondering if I'll feel more relaxed when I feel regular movement? Or maybe after a "Looks Good!" at our 20 week ultrasound? Or maybe it won't happen until this baby is born... However I look at it, I just keep telling myself to cherish every moment I have with this baby. We honestly can't predict the outcome (although we hope it's good), so the only thing I can do it try my best to be the best darn mother and advocate for this baby that I can, each and every day we have together.
So...to ease my mind this time around, I need to know that I am doing EVERYTHING (I mean EVERYTHING) I can to keep this baby healthy. I understand bad things can still happen, but this time I will know 100% that I did everything I could.
Hence our new doc - we met with her and worked out a "plan" we both felt comfortable with. First of all, she too suggested taking the Lovenox injections since my bloodwork came back a little high. Plus one baby aspirin a day to also thin the blood. Then the rest of my "plan" looks like this:
6.5 weeks - ultrasound to confirm "viability"
11 weeks - another ultrasound to ensure a healthy growing baby
19 weeks - Level 2 ultrasound with maternal fetal medicine to get an even more in-depth anatomy scan
28 weeks - Fly down to Louisianna to meet with Dr. Collins (THE one and only guy that studies umbilical cord complications) to perform his ultrasound, looking at the umbilical cord ONLY. He'll then discuss what he sees and send us home with a hospital grade non-stress test monitor. So, from 28 weeks until we deliver, I'll hook up, monitor for 20 minutes every night and upload the strip to a portal that he views every day. He'll then look for patterns and areas of concern. If he sees anything, he'll call immediately and have you go in to be monitored more closely at your hospital's labor and delivery unit. It's amazing what he can do and recognize by these non-stress tests alone. The fact that he has never lost a baby on his watch is extremely reassuring for me. Unfortunately, not all doctors, even those that see their patients routinely, can say this. In addition, my doctor has also agreed to log on and view the strips periodically as well.
Also from 28 weeks until delivery, will be twice a week appointments at the clinic - one time for a 30 minute non-stress test, and the other time for a bio-physical profile. So...that means every few days for around 10 weeks, we'll get to check up this baby to make sure there's no signs of stress. Again, so reassuring!
Then, doc says we're not waiting for delivery.... if I'm "full term" (around 38 weeks) and we've ensured baby is just as well "out" than "in", we'll just induce labor at that point. Which for me.....is wonderful news! By that point I know I'm going to just be a ball of nerves and nothing will make me feel better, except having our living, breathing baby in my arms.
So....although we're excited, it's muted a bit this time around. So many duck to get in a row and so many emotions to keep in check. I keep wondering if I'll feel more relaxed when I feel regular movement? Or maybe after a "Looks Good!" at our 20 week ultrasound? Or maybe it won't happen until this baby is born... However I look at it, I just keep telling myself to cherish every moment I have with this baby. We honestly can't predict the outcome (although we hope it's good), so the only thing I can do it try my best to be the best darn mother and advocate for this baby that I can, each and every day we have together.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Nursery
I meant to post this a LONG time ago, but here's the pictures of Brynlee's nursery/ now turned our "special haven". Everything was mostly done when we found out she had died, except there was clothes scattered everywhere since I was just in the process of getting everything washed, and we had no chair (which the nice manager at Babies R Us let me get early with my coupon, when I called...I was a blubbering mess I tell ya...It didn't take him long to agree!)
We didn't change a thing from the way it was other than adding the chair and a CD player with a CD full of music that reminds us of her, a journal on the table beside the chair, and a lavender candle that reminds us of the scent of her warmers in the hospital that Miranda so kindly got for us. Everytime we go into that room to just "be", we light the candle. It's by far the best smelling room in our house!
Logan and I also sit in there and talk about Brynlee, or read books. It's such a special place.
Some people can't stand the thought of looking at the nursery anymore after their baby dies, but for me, it's a good reminder that we DO have a little girl! It does, however, make me sad to think she'll never get to see it...
Anyway, here it is:
We didn't change a thing from the way it was other than adding the chair and a CD player with a CD full of music that reminds us of her, a journal on the table beside the chair, and a lavender candle that reminds us of the scent of her warmers in the hospital that Miranda so kindly got for us. Everytime we go into that room to just "be", we light the candle. It's by far the best smelling room in our house!
Logan and I also sit in there and talk about Brynlee, or read books. It's such a special place.
Some people can't stand the thought of looking at the nursery anymore after their baby dies, but for me, it's a good reminder that we DO have a little girl! It does, however, make me sad to think she'll never get to see it...
Anyway, here it is:
Where Hope Grows..
This weekend we took a break and headed two hours Northeast of the Twin Cities to a remote town in Northern Wisconsin. It's called Faith's Lodge and I couldn't describe it any better than the home page of their website which states:
"Faith's Lodge provides a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future. In its North Woods setting, Faith's Lodge provides a peaceful escape for families to refresh their minds and spirits while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing."
It was SO WONDERFUL! I really had no idea what to expect, and really was unlike anything else we've ever experienced, but man, they sure know what they're doing, because it was great!
The rest of the day basically consisted of eating, playing and hanging out. We were never in our rooms longer than necessary to sleep and get ready for the day.
We were there with 3 other families and spent most of our time swapping stories as we spent countless hours perfecting our memorial birdhouses, and hanging out, while the kids ran amuck in the lodge :)
Here's our room:
The kids playroom:
And Logan perfecting his own masterpiece, in memory of his sister:
Lastly, before leaving on Sunday, we made sure to bring our "heart stones" out to Sophia's Bridge to join the other children that left this earth too soon.
Here's a few quotes I also picked up this weekend, and just thought they were WONDERFUL!
"Jesus, since I never got to hold and tell her about you, will you please hold and tell her about me?" I have a vision for this quote in our home....so excited...
and
"Let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the life we have waiting for us" So true...
Happy Family Weekend to Us!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Updates
I can't believe how quickly our lives (my life especially) is changing! I'm getting really good at this whole "change" thing. First of all, we don't have our baby girl with us, which is hard to adapt to anyway, but man, there's been some ripple effects...not all of them are bad, just so not like life 6 months ago.
5. In light of the issues I have of our old clinic, I've been working on tying up some loose ends before I end all ties with that place. We'll see where that takes me. Wish me luck!
6. I've been in contact with another local (smaller) hospital, to do something for families that will have to experience such a heartbreaking loss in the future. Because of Missing Grace's services, it relieved A LOT of the anxiety about the details. Unfortunately, Missing Grace can't be at all hospitals, so I want to do something in Brynlee's honor to help again with just a small portion of those details for those poor families. It really made a HUGE difference in our ability to cope and heal. Again, we'll see where it takes me.
7. The doctors suspect I may have a blood clotting disorder, given my blood test results taken at my 6 week check. So... Miss "I hate needles" gets a needle in the belly EVERY DAY! yippee!! I'm so excited!
My poor yet dear husband gets the honor and privilege of administering them every night. There's absolutely no way I could do it without his help. Just figuring out how to pay for these things was a challenge, but my new clinic actually found me a 45 day supply to get started on for FREE! (have I mentioned how much I love that place?!)
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. I've decided to end my job. I thought long and hard about this, and had been contemplating it since returning at the end of September. I gave it a few months to see if time would change things, but it just never felt "right" again after losing Brynlee. It was a super hard decision to make. I've made lots of good friendships there and really enjoy working with my team. Plus, they've been really good to me, allowing me to go to a part-time schedule 3 years ago, to allow myself more time with Logan. I know I'll never find another "fit" quite like it. They really are like family. But...I really feel that what needs to be most important right now is me and my family. I need to have time to heal. Although we've agreed to two days a week at work, it's hard for me to turn off my work mode when we're busy (which is often!). I worry that if I don't do this, I won't allow myself the time to do the things that I need to do right now (and can only be done right now - I don't think I can just tell myself when's a good time to heal. It just needs to feel right. And this is it.) I've re-done our budget about 10 times now, and it'll be tight, but I think we'll all be happier in the end.
2. I've joined another "group".
This one is not a support group, but just moms who share the same experience of losing a child. We meet at local restaurants, coffee shops, etc. Again, there's a comfort in talking with others who share a similar experience.
3. I've been keeping in contact with many of the people I've met through this whole experience and am looking into ways to give back to some of the organizations that I've come in contact with. In addition to Missing Grace, I've been blessed to meet Lindsey and Shauna with the Star Legacy Foundation. Lindsey also lost her son to a cord accident and shortly after started this organization to raise awareness and support research in the area of stillbirth. This really hits home for me. I, with Lindsey, STRONGLY believe that my baby did NOT have to die. We live in a world of 2-D and 3-D ultrasounds. We have all the equipment necessary to see what we need to see. But, as my doctor told me after I asked how we missed it in 7 ultrasounds (!) - she said "we simply don't look for it". WHAT?! It makes no sense to me. It makes me sick to think that when I was worried and had come into the clinic for the non-stress test, if they had followed up with an ultrasound to check the umbilical cord, Brynlee very well could have been born healthy. There's no way to know for sure now, but if she was healthy enough to pass the non-stress test, I can't help but think she could have been born healthy.
4. We've been researching new doctors. I really liked the doctor I saw with Brynlee. I don't think she had all the answers, but I don't blame her for that. I think she really did everything she knew how to do, and really demonstrated she was willing to go the extra mile. The doctor that read the stress test, though, I have different thoughts about. Plus, the office administrator was downright rude and unprofessional when I was trying to request a copy of the non-stress test after losing Brynlee. As the icing on the cake, our sonographer never could get her measurements right, and the Ridgedale clinic had major scheduling issues. So...we just felt backed into a corner. We were comfortable staying if we could continue seeing our regular doctor, at the Eden Prairie clinic, but nothing else - no other doctors, no other sonographers, no other clinic locations. Only problem is, we went to the Eden Prairie clinic the morning we found out Brynlee was gone. Even pulling into the parking lot of that place took me right back to that day. I couldn't put myself through that for another pregnancy. So...I started poking around online to see what other options we had...but how do you know someone's character and knowledge from a profile online? I then decided to call Kristi from Missing Grace...and I'm so glad I did! She gave me the name of a doctor from the OGI clinic that they highly recommend. We immediately scheduled an interview and were blown away! Every person we came into contact with was nothing but pleasant and interested in you as a person, not just as a patient. And this lady was nothing less than an ANGEL!
She indeed gets a lot of referrals from Missing Grace, and therefore has plenty of experience and compassion working with mothers who have recently suffered a loss. Whereas my old doctor said she was hesitant to even look for the umbilical cord again in the future, for fear of "worrying us", Dr. Brown said ABSOLUTELY will she look for that cord. Whereas our old doctor said she wasn't comfortable working with Dr. Collins, Dr. Brown has before and will continue to support the work that Dr. Collins does. Her response was "why would I not want to be involved in your total care?" She assured us that we would never be taken lightly if we're worried. She understands we may be worried a lot, but she's confident that no one at the clinic would consider me "one of those mothers" if I just didn't feel right. Each time I come in with a feeling of worry, I would be followed up by a non-stress test AND ultrasound. I got teary eyed just listening to her talk. She understands us!!! I wanted to give her the biggest bear hug I'd ever given somebody right then and there. The rest of the staff was no different. It's definitely where we're supposed to be for a future pregnancy. So glad to have that figured out.
4. We've been researching new doctors. I really liked the doctor I saw with Brynlee. I don't think she had all the answers, but I don't blame her for that. I think she really did everything she knew how to do, and really demonstrated she was willing to go the extra mile. The doctor that read the stress test, though, I have different thoughts about. Plus, the office administrator was downright rude and unprofessional when I was trying to request a copy of the non-stress test after losing Brynlee. As the icing on the cake, our sonographer never could get her measurements right, and the Ridgedale clinic had major scheduling issues. So...we just felt backed into a corner. We were comfortable staying if we could continue seeing our regular doctor, at the Eden Prairie clinic, but nothing else - no other doctors, no other sonographers, no other clinic locations. Only problem is, we went to the Eden Prairie clinic the morning we found out Brynlee was gone. Even pulling into the parking lot of that place took me right back to that day. I couldn't put myself through that for another pregnancy. So...I started poking around online to see what other options we had...but how do you know someone's character and knowledge from a profile online? I then decided to call Kristi from Missing Grace...and I'm so glad I did! She gave me the name of a doctor from the OGI clinic that they highly recommend. We immediately scheduled an interview and were blown away! Every person we came into contact with was nothing but pleasant and interested in you as a person, not just as a patient. And this lady was nothing less than an ANGEL!
5. In light of the issues I have of our old clinic, I've been working on tying up some loose ends before I end all ties with that place. We'll see where that takes me. Wish me luck!
6. I've been in contact with another local (smaller) hospital, to do something for families that will have to experience such a heartbreaking loss in the future. Because of Missing Grace's services, it relieved A LOT of the anxiety about the details. Unfortunately, Missing Grace can't be at all hospitals, so I want to do something in Brynlee's honor to help again with just a small portion of those details for those poor families. It really made a HUGE difference in our ability to cope and heal. Again, we'll see where it takes me.
7. The doctors suspect I may have a blood clotting disorder, given my blood test results taken at my 6 week check. So... Miss "I hate needles" gets a needle in the belly EVERY DAY! yippee!! I'm so excited!
So, I'll be busy! But it all makes me feel so much better. We're going to be going to this place as a family the weekend after next.
It's called Faith's Lodge. It's located in the North Woods of Wisconsin, built especially for parents and families that are grieving the loss of a child, either through pregnancy loss or otherwise. Anyway, I read on their site that the reason this couple built this lodge was because:
"We have been told of an old proverb that says a person can actually die two deaths. The first happens when your physical body dies; the second occurs when people stop mentioning your name. We felt strongly that we would not let this happen to Faith and that her brief time on this earth should have a legacy. This legacy is the creation of Faith 's Lodge, a place where hope grows.
It is our desire that by providing this special facility we can help other families through their darkest hours. We do this in honor of Faith, so her name and memory will live on."
How true! I think that's the thing I fear the most now. I don't want to go on living my life as I did before I knew her. She's left her mark on our hearts, and I hope that not a day will pass without us thinking of her or mentioning her name. She's such a special part of our family. Brought here not to live and breathe on this earth, but bring us all a little closer to our full potential :)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A different kind of Christmas
This Christmas was unlike any other Christmas I've ever experienced. I didn't expect it to be the same, exactly, but my feelings regarding it all really surprised me. I started thinking about it back in November, when it was the "hot topic" at our PIL group at the hospital. The counselor's suggestions were to
1. Have a plan for the holiday events. And an escape route (just in case)
-and-
2. Take care of yourself first and foremost, before all else.
Sounded great (especially for those not fond of the family they would be spending the day with, or those who had to face the joyous faces of family members who recently welcomed happy and healthy babies into their family), but I really didn't think I'd have too much of a problem. I figured we typically have a pretty relaxed and casual family gathering and no other babies to ooh and ahh over this year, so I thought I'd be fine. I told myself that I was going to focus on what I HAVE been given and blessed with and not dwell over what I DON'T have or what should have been.... which was basically turned out to be easier said than done.
It started in November when the stores all of the sudden "threw up" Christmas. It really irritated me. All of it. This year, Santa was a joke. Blissful, happy people made me a little angry. And basically anything resonating "Christmas Spirit" made me want to puke. Now let me say, I'm not usually such a Scrooge. I'm usually the first one cranking up Christmas songs in November and can't even wait past Thanksgiving to put up our tree. But not this year. This year, I couldn't wait for it to be over. But....despite that, I tried to embrace Christmas in a new way this year. Besides being focused on shopping, Santa and presents, I found peace in remembering the true meaning of Christmas. Never before have I been so incredibly moved by the Christmas story. This year, it was real to me. First and foremost, I knew that because of the true gift of Jesus's birth, life, death and resurrection, life extends past the grave. It's because of Jesus that I can find peace in knowing that we can be united again as a family after we've departed this life. Rather than playing the usual "Jingle Bells" or "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", I flooded our itunes with spiritual Christmas songs, which I played continuously for 6 weeks straight. It helped me keep my "head in the game." It was dangerous for me to become distracted and angry.
Why was I so easily angered, upset and such a Scrooge? I don't know really... like I said, I didn't expect to feel that way, but I think maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought to not think about our sweet Brynlee, and how we would have loved to bundle her up to take her to the relatives, to be swooned over and cuddled by all those who love her. To think about how things would have been different. To think about putting her in that cute Christmas dress I so thoughtfully picked out just weeks before she died.
But then I looked at pictures like this:
and I see a glimpse of myself in that picture. Of any mother, really. Mary was a very special woman who was given a very important and special responsibility. Mary bore and gave birth to the greatest gift to mankind, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Although Mary's situation was one of significant scope, far beyond anything any of us are likely to experience, I still look at this picture and can understand some of the things she was feeling. I see the tenderness in her expression, the awe of the miracle, and the hope for the future. In some crazy way, I felt like I was able to in a small way, live vicariously though Mary this Christmas. My arms were empty, but because of that gift in her arms, I knew everything would be ok in the end. Maybe hard to describe, but it's surely what helped me through all the hustle and bustle of the holidays this year.
Then came the days leading up to Christmas... and an intense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. It actually hit me, blindsided, as Logan and I were making up the cookie dough a few days before Christmas to save for Christmas Eve. In no time flat, I was a teary eyed mess, and continued that way for the majority of the weekend. I was sad, but on top of that I was angry, and on top of that, I was frustrated with myself for becoming such a mess. I wanted to give Logan a good and memorable Christmas experience. I wanted to be happy - for him. The whole conflict of emotions led to stress, which added more tears. By that night, I asked Randy for a blessing, which gave me lots of comfort, enough to at least gain somewhat of a grip on my emotions.
Christmas Eve we snuck away from family for awhile to bring a small live evergreen tree to Brynlee's grave. The weather was unseasonably warm this year, allowing us to be there for some time. Logan again went to find the largest stick he could find to stand up in the still upturned dirt above her grave. I'm sure people wonder what in the heck it is, or why anyone would stand up a huge branch above a grave, but it's Logan's way of "taking care" of his sister, and it's so sweet to see. I'm sure her grave will have a stick coming out of it for some time...Logan will make sure of it ;)
In preparing for Christmas this year, I wanted to do things that would help us remember this year, and Brynlee in particular, so first and foremost, we got her some ornaments for the tree.
These are some porcelain booties I found at the general store, that I had personalized, just for her.
this is an ornament we made at our December group meeting, complete with a note from each of us to Brynlee tucked inside :)
And lastly, an adorable angel ornament that my team at work got me as part of my Christmas gift.
Next, after much thought and deliberation about whether or not to get Brynlee a stocking this year, and if we do, what kind of one would be appropriate, etc...... I finally just ordered one from Company Kids, complete with her name embriodered on the top. The image on the stocking when I ordered it said it was a fairy, but I thought it looked rather "angelish" too. And this is what we did with it:
We each wrote on a strip of paper something we vow to work on this year or do to make us better people, mostly as a result of the feelings we receive(d) from having Brynlee in our family. We'll do this each year, and each Christmas Day, we'll read again our promises from the year before, evaluate, and then write new. I think this will be a great way to recognize Brynlee's continual presence in our lives.
1. Have a plan for the holiday events. And an escape route (just in case)
-and-
2. Take care of yourself first and foremost, before all else.
Sounded great (especially for those not fond of the family they would be spending the day with, or those who had to face the joyous faces of family members who recently welcomed happy and healthy babies into their family), but I really didn't think I'd have too much of a problem. I figured we typically have a pretty relaxed and casual family gathering and no other babies to ooh and ahh over this year, so I thought I'd be fine. I told myself that I was going to focus on what I HAVE been given and blessed with and not dwell over what I DON'T have or what should have been.... which was basically turned out to be easier said than done.
It started in November when the stores all of the sudden "threw up" Christmas. It really irritated me. All of it. This year, Santa was a joke. Blissful, happy people made me a little angry. And basically anything resonating "Christmas Spirit" made me want to puke. Now let me say, I'm not usually such a Scrooge. I'm usually the first one cranking up Christmas songs in November and can't even wait past Thanksgiving to put up our tree. But not this year. This year, I couldn't wait for it to be over. But....despite that, I tried to embrace Christmas in a new way this year. Besides being focused on shopping, Santa and presents, I found peace in remembering the true meaning of Christmas. Never before have I been so incredibly moved by the Christmas story. This year, it was real to me. First and foremost, I knew that because of the true gift of Jesus's birth, life, death and resurrection, life extends past the grave. It's because of Jesus that I can find peace in knowing that we can be united again as a family after we've departed this life. Rather than playing the usual "Jingle Bells" or "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", I flooded our itunes with spiritual Christmas songs, which I played continuously for 6 weeks straight. It helped me keep my "head in the game." It was dangerous for me to become distracted and angry.
Why was I so easily angered, upset and such a Scrooge? I don't know really... like I said, I didn't expect to feel that way, but I think maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought to not think about our sweet Brynlee, and how we would have loved to bundle her up to take her to the relatives, to be swooned over and cuddled by all those who love her. To think about how things would have been different. To think about putting her in that cute Christmas dress I so thoughtfully picked out just weeks before she died.
But then I looked at pictures like this:
Then came the days leading up to Christmas... and an intense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. It actually hit me, blindsided, as Logan and I were making up the cookie dough a few days before Christmas to save for Christmas Eve. In no time flat, I was a teary eyed mess, and continued that way for the majority of the weekend. I was sad, but on top of that I was angry, and on top of that, I was frustrated with myself for becoming such a mess. I wanted to give Logan a good and memorable Christmas experience. I wanted to be happy - for him. The whole conflict of emotions led to stress, which added more tears. By that night, I asked Randy for a blessing, which gave me lots of comfort, enough to at least gain somewhat of a grip on my emotions.
Christmas Eve we snuck away from family for awhile to bring a small live evergreen tree to Brynlee's grave. The weather was unseasonably warm this year, allowing us to be there for some time. Logan again went to find the largest stick he could find to stand up in the still upturned dirt above her grave. I'm sure people wonder what in the heck it is, or why anyone would stand up a huge branch above a grave, but it's Logan's way of "taking care" of his sister, and it's so sweet to see. I'm sure her grave will have a stick coming out of it for some time...Logan will make sure of it ;)
In preparing for Christmas this year, I wanted to do things that would help us remember this year, and Brynlee in particular, so first and foremost, we got her some ornaments for the tree.
Next, after much thought and deliberation about whether or not to get Brynlee a stocking this year, and if we do, what kind of one would be appropriate, etc...... I finally just ordered one from Company Kids, complete with her name embriodered on the top. The image on the stocking when I ordered it said it was a fairy, but I thought it looked rather "angelish" too. And this is what we did with it:
And we made it. A Christmas that was anticipated for months to come, as one filled with excitement and joy, but instead upturned and scattered just months before, and the learning and enlightenment that we found through it all.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Randy and Logan Take a Trip
The weekend before Thanksgiving, Randy and Logan took a trip down to Texas to help Grandma Pete get her house ready to sell. We thought it'd be a good time for Logan to do something fun with Daddy, while I got to catch up on a million things on my to-do list. Which...sounded like a good idea in an abstract sense, but my stomach started to knot up while I was driving them to the airport. What was I doing? Who ever thought it was a good idea to leave a lonely, sad momma completely ALONE for a long weekend?
Anyway, I dropped them off, gave them lots of hugs and kisses and told them a million times to be SAFE. All the while Logan just couldn't wait to get inside and get to his airplane.
As soon as I drove off, it's like I heard the timer start ticking. I had my plan already laid out (basically hour by hour) so off I went to get started on my list. I wish now that I had kept that list, but it was incredible everything I accomplished in those few short days. I read a book cover to cover (haven't done that in YEARS!), I made myself my very own cookbook, I cleaned and organized Brynlee's room, I made a collage of many of the cards we received from friends and family for her (so I can remember forever how incredibly loved we are:), got all of our outfits picked out and purchased for our OFFICIAL Christmas cards, and did some major organization around the house. But, it was very lonely. At night, I'd go to bed, close and lock all the doors to the bedroom, and try as hard as I could to fall asleep quickly before I'd hear too many noises that would freak me out. It's funny how even just having Logan in the house with me, helps give me a sense of security, but being alone at night is scary!!! For me anyway....
Anyway, Randy and Logan had a great time. I'm so glad they were able to go and help out Grandma and that Logan was able to see and play with many of his cousins again. And enjoy some one on one "fun time" with his Daddy :)
Anyway, I dropped them off, gave them lots of hugs and kisses and told them a million times to be SAFE. All the while Logan just couldn't wait to get inside and get to his airplane.
Anyway, Randy and Logan had a great time. I'm so glad they were able to go and help out Grandma and that Logan was able to see and play with many of his cousins again. And enjoy some one on one "fun time" with his Daddy :)
Logan's Turns 3!
Despite all that our family had just been through in the past month, we decided Logan definitely deserved to have a normal Birthday party. The events with Brynlee have been hard on him too and it's a lot for a little guy to process and take in, but he's been a trooper and helped (and is still helping!) our family through. We all contribute in our own way to our family's healing and progress, and little Logan, he sure has contributed - in ways way beyond what I would expect from a little 2 year old.
Anyway, we ended up keeping our original plans for a Birthday party at the apple orchard near my parents house the weekend before his Birthday. On our way to the orchard that day, we stopped to try and get a good enough picture for Christmas cards...an hour later, we were late to the party, and didn't walk away with anything worthy of being put on a Christmas card. They are, however, ok enough to put in a frame for awhile I guess...
Here's a few of our best:
Logan then had had enough of taking pictures and took Grandma up on a good game of hide and seek before we left.
Finally, we got to the party - fashionably late to our own party (of course). Our friends and family know not to expect anything less :)
Katy had so graciously offered to make Logan's cake and it was delish. Plus Logan just couldn't wait to play on his new "racetrack"! Once we cut up what we wanted, we just let him go to town on the rest. He had such a blast.
Then we went on a hayride to pick pumpkins....
Anyway, we ended up keeping our original plans for a Birthday party at the apple orchard near my parents house the weekend before his Birthday. On our way to the orchard that day, we stopped to try and get a good enough picture for Christmas cards...an hour later, we were late to the party, and didn't walk away with anything worthy of being put on a Christmas card. They are, however, ok enough to put in a frame for awhile I guess...
Here's a few of our best:
Katy had so graciously offered to make Logan's cake and it was delish. Plus Logan just couldn't wait to play on his new "racetrack"! Once we cut up what we wanted, we just let him go to town on the rest. He had such a blast.
And then opened some presents!
It was a great time, and a great break for all of us. Time continues to pass even when bad things happen, and this was one event we wanted to take the time to celebrate...he's a very special boy and I feel so priveleged to be his mommy!
Happy Birthday Buddy!
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