"Two of a Kind, Workin on a Full House"

Well the cat's officially out of the bag... Petersen Baby #3 is on its way!  We always told ourselves after losing Brynlee that we would never do a public announcement with our next baby, for fear that we again might have the break more bad news to the whole facebook population, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone face to face either.  I tried...I really did, but I struggled with it A LOT!  So from the moment we first found out until now at 15 1/2 weeks, I confided in just a handful of people.  Honestly, I would have loved to wait until the whole pregnancy was over with to tell anyone but close friends and family, but it was starting to get socially awkward, for myself as I tried to conceal my growing belly, and for others who I could tell were realizing, but wouldn't be caught dead posing the question or making any remark about my belly.  So, before it wasn't even a surprise to people anymore, we just put it out there.  In a way, I'm glad we were able to tell people in a way I don't have to face people for their initial reaction, but in another way, it makes my stomach turn that we may be walking ourselves right into another situation where we don't bring home a baby again.  I know... because Brynlee died of a cord accident, the statistics say it would be REALLY rare to happen again, but in my eyes it was rare that it happened in the first place.  Odds don't mean anything to a person that has already been in the minority.  Plus, I've heard from other researchers, that's there's evidence that exists that mothers who have had a cord issue are at a 10x greater risk of it happening again...and that scares the living daylights out of me.

So...to ease my mind this time around, I need to know that I am doing EVERYTHING (I mean EVERYTHING) I can to keep this baby healthy.  I understand bad things can still happen, but this time I will know 100% that I did everything I could.

Hence our new doc - we met with her and worked out a "plan" we both felt comfortable with.  First of all, she too suggested taking the Lovenox injections since my bloodwork came back a little high.  Plus one baby aspirin a day to also thin the blood.  Then the rest of my "plan" looks like this:
6.5 weeks - ultrasound to confirm "viability"
11 weeks - another ultrasound to ensure a healthy growing baby
19 weeks - Level 2 ultrasound with maternal fetal medicine to get an even more in-depth anatomy scan
28 weeks - Fly down to Louisianna to meet with Dr. Collins (THE one and only guy that studies umbilical cord complications) to perform his ultrasound, looking at the umbilical cord ONLY.  He'll then discuss what he sees and send us home with a hospital grade non-stress test monitor.  So, from 28 weeks until we deliver, I'll hook up, monitor for 20 minutes every night and upload the strip to a portal that he views every day.  He'll then look for patterns and areas of concern.  If he sees anything, he'll call immediately and have you go in to be monitored more closely at your hospital's labor and delivery unit. It's amazing what he can do and recognize by these non-stress tests alone.  The fact that he has never lost a baby on his watch is extremely reassuring for me.  Unfortunately, not all doctors, even those that see their patients routinely, can say this.  In addition, my doctor has also agreed to log on and view the strips periodically as well.

Also from 28 weeks until delivery, will be twice a week appointments at the clinic - one time for a 30 minute non-stress test, and the other time for a bio-physical profile.  So...that means every few days for around 10 weeks, we'll get to check up this baby to make sure there's no signs of stress.  Again, so reassuring!

Then, doc says we're not waiting for delivery.... if I'm "full term" (around 38 weeks) and we've ensured baby is just as well "out" than "in", we'll just induce labor at that point.  Which for me.....is wonderful news!  By that point I know I'm going to just be a ball of nerves and nothing will make me feel better, except having our living, breathing baby in my arms.

So....although we're excited, it's muted a bit this time around.  So many duck to get in a row and so many emotions to keep in check.  I keep wondering if I'll feel more relaxed when I feel regular movement?  Or maybe after a "Looks Good!" at our 20 week ultrasound?  Or maybe it won't happen until this baby is born...  However I look at it, I just keep telling myself to cherish every moment I have with this baby.  We honestly can't predict the outcome (although we hope it's good), so the only thing I can do it try my best to be the best darn mother and advocate for this baby that I can, each and every day we have together.

The Nursery

I meant to post this a LONG time ago, but here's the pictures of Brynlee's nursery/ now turned our "special haven".  Everything was mostly done when we found out she had died, except there was clothes scattered everywhere since I was just in the process of getting everything washed, and we had no chair (which the nice manager at Babies R Us let me get early with my coupon, when I called...I was a blubbering mess I tell ya...It didn't take him long to agree!)
We didn't change a thing from the way it was other than adding the chair and a CD player with a CD full of music that reminds us of her, a journal on the table beside the chair, and a lavender candle that reminds us of the scent of her warmers in the hospital that Miranda so kindly got for us.  Everytime we go into that room to just "be", we light the candle.  It's by far the best smelling room in our house!
Logan and I also sit in there and talk about Brynlee, or read books.  It's such a special place.
Some people can't stand the thought of looking at the nursery anymore after their baby dies, but for me, it's a good reminder that we DO have a little girl!  It does, however, make me sad to think she'll never get to see it...
Anyway, here it is:

Where Hope Grows..

This weekend we took a break and headed two hours Northeast of the Twin Cities to a remote town in Northern Wisconsin.  It's called Faith's Lodge and I couldn't describe it any better than the home page of their website which states: 

"Faith's Lodge provides a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future. In its North Woods setting, Faith's Lodge provides a peaceful escape for families to refresh their minds and spirits while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing."  

It was SO WONDERFUL!  I really had no idea what to expect, and really was unlike anything else we've ever experienced, but man, they sure know what they're doing, because it was great!

When we got there Friday morning, we kicked things off with an outdoor scavenger hunt...

The rest of the day basically consisted of eating, playing and hanging out.  We were never in our rooms longer than necessary to sleep and get ready for the day.  

We were there with 3 other families and spent most of our time swapping stories as we spent countless hours perfecting our memorial birdhouses, and hanging out, while the kids ran amuck in the lodge :)

Here's our room:

The kids playroom:

And Logan perfecting his own masterpiece, in memory of his sister:

 We also had a group session, a group meal (provided by another bereaved family) and a couple of bonfires.

Lastly, before leaving on Sunday, we made sure to bring our "heart stones" out to Sophia's Bridge to join the other children that left this earth too soon.

 All in all, we made new friendships (one with a very similar story to ours!). We were guided, supported, loved and welcomed.  It was the perfect recipe we've been needing to reconnect with eachother and again focus on not only what we've lost, but what we've gained as a family.

Here's a few quotes I also picked up this weekend, and just thought they were WONDERFUL!
"Jesus, since I never got to hold and tell her about you, will you please hold and tell her about me?"  I have a vision for this quote in our home....so excited...
and
"Let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the life we have waiting for us"  So true...

Happy Family Weekend to Us!

Updates

I can't believe how quickly our lives (my life especially) is changing!  I'm getting really good at this whole "change" thing.  First of all, we don't have our baby girl with us, which is hard to adapt to anyway, but man, there's been some ripple effects...not all of them are bad, just so not like life 6 months ago.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. I've decided to end my job.  I thought long and hard about this, and had been contemplating it since returning at the end of September.  I gave it a few months to see if time would change things, but it just never felt "right" again after losing Brynlee. It was a super hard decision to make.  I've made lots of good friendships there and really enjoy working with my team.  Plus, they've been really good to me, allowing me to go to a part-time schedule 3 years ago, to allow myself more time with Logan.  I know I'll never find another "fit" quite like it.  They really are like family.  But...I really feel that what needs to be most important right now is me and my family.  I need to have time to heal.  Although we've agreed to two days a week at work, it's hard for me to turn off my work mode when we're busy (which is often!).  I worry that if I don't do this, I won't allow myself the time to do the things that I need to do right now (and can only be done right now - I don't think I can just tell myself when's a good time to heal.  It just needs to feel right. And this is it.)  I've re-done our budget about 10 times now, and it'll be tight, but I think we'll all be happier in the end.

2.  I've joined another "group".

This one is not a support group, but just moms who share the same experience of losing a child.  We meet at local restaurants, coffee shops, etc.  Again, there's a comfort in talking with others who share a similar experience.

3.  I've been keeping in contact with many of the people I've met through this whole experience and am looking into ways to give back to some of the organizations that I've come in contact with.  In addition to Missing Grace, I've been blessed to meet Lindsey and Shauna with the Star Legacy Foundation.  Lindsey also lost her son to a cord accident and shortly after started this organization to raise awareness and support research in the area of stillbirth.  This really hits home for me.  I, with Lindsey, STRONGLY believe that my baby did NOT have to die.  We live in a world of 2-D and 3-D ultrasounds.  We have all the equipment necessary to see what we need to see.  But, as my doctor told me after I asked how we missed it in 7 ultrasounds (!) - she said "we simply don't look for it".  WHAT?!   It makes no sense to me.  It makes me sick to think that when I was worried and had come into the clinic for the non-stress test, if they had followed up with an ultrasound to check the umbilical cord, Brynlee very well could have been born healthy.  There's no way to know for sure now, but if she was healthy enough to pass the non-stress test, I can't help but think she could have been born healthy.

4.  We've been researching new doctors.  I really liked the doctor I saw with Brynlee.  I don't think she had all the answers, but I don't blame her for that.  I think she really did everything she knew how to do, and really demonstrated she was willing to go the extra mile.  The doctor that read the stress test, though, I have different thoughts about.  Plus, the office administrator was downright rude and unprofessional when I was trying to request a copy of the non-stress test after losing Brynlee.  As the icing on the cake, our sonographer never could get her measurements right, and the Ridgedale clinic had major scheduling issues.  So...we just felt backed into a corner.  We were comfortable staying if we could continue seeing our regular doctor, at the Eden Prairie clinic, but nothing else - no other doctors, no other sonographers, no other clinic locations.  Only problem is, we went to the Eden Prairie clinic the morning we found out Brynlee was gone.  Even pulling into the parking lot of that place took me right back to that day.  I couldn't put myself through that for another pregnancy.  So...I started poking around online to see what other options we had...but how do you know someone's character and knowledge from a profile online?  I then decided to call Kristi from Missing Grace...and I'm so glad I did!  She gave me the name of a doctor from the OGI clinic that they highly recommend.  We immediately scheduled an interview and were blown away!  Every person we came into contact with was nothing but pleasant and interested in you as a person, not just as a patient.  And this lady was nothing less than an ANGEL!

She indeed gets a lot of referrals from Missing Grace, and therefore has plenty of experience and compassion working with mothers who have recently suffered a loss.  Whereas my old doctor said she was hesitant to even look for the umbilical cord again in the future, for fear of "worrying us", Dr. Brown said ABSOLUTELY will she look for that cord.  Whereas our old doctor said she wasn't comfortable working with Dr. Collins, Dr. Brown has before and will continue to support the work that Dr. Collins does.  Her response was "why would I not want to be involved in your total care?" She assured us that we would never be taken lightly if we're worried.  She understands we may be worried a lot, but she's confident that no one at the clinic would consider me "one of those mothers" if I just didn't feel right.  Each time I come in with a feeling of worry, I would be followed up by a non-stress test AND ultrasound.  I got teary eyed just listening to her talk.  She understands us!!!  I wanted to give her the biggest bear hug I'd ever given somebody right then and there.  The rest of the staff was no different.  It's definitely where we're supposed to be for a future pregnancy.  So glad to have that figured out.

5.  In light of the issues I have of our old clinic, I've been working on tying up some loose ends before I end all ties with that place.  We'll see where that takes me. Wish me luck!

6.  I've been in contact with another local (smaller) hospital, to do something for families that will have to experience such a heartbreaking loss in the future.  Because of Missing Grace's services, it relieved A LOT of the anxiety about the details.  Unfortunately,  Missing Grace can't be at all hospitals, so I want to  do something in Brynlee's honor to help again with just a small portion of those details for those poor families.  It really made a HUGE difference in our ability to cope and heal.  Again, we'll see where it takes me.

7.  The doctors suspect I may have a blood clotting disorder, given my blood test results taken at my 6 week check.  So... Miss "I hate needles" gets a needle in the belly EVERY DAY!  yippee!!  I'm so excited!

My poor yet dear husband gets the honor and privilege of administering them every night.  There's absolutely no way I could do it without his help. Just figuring out how to pay for these things was a challenge, but my new clinic actually found me a 45 day supply to get started on for FREE!  (have I mentioned how much I love that place?!)

So, I'll be busy!  But it all makes me feel so much better.  We're going to be going to this place as a family the weekend after next.

It's called Faith's Lodge.  It's located in the North Woods of Wisconsin, built especially for parents and families that are grieving the loss of a child, either through pregnancy loss or otherwise.  Anyway, I read on their site that the reason this couple built this lodge was because:

"We have been told of an old proverb that says a person can actually die two deaths. The first happens when your physical body dies; the second occurs when people stop mentioning your name. We felt strongly that we would not let this happen to Faith and that her brief time on this earth should have a legacy. This legacy is the creation of Faith 's Lodge, a place where hope grows.

It is our desire that by providing this special facility we can help other families through their darkest hours. We do this in honor of Faith, so her name and memory will live on."

How true!  I think that's the thing I fear the most now.  I don't want to go on living my life as I did before  I knew her.  She's left her mark on our hearts, and I hope that not a day will pass without us thinking of her or mentioning her name.  She's such a special part of our family.  Brought here not to live and breathe on this earth, but bring us all a little closer to our full potential :)