Maybe it's because I have less to do for my baby (organize her things, thank yous, etc.) that make me feel like I'm still "in the moment" with her, but more to do to continue on with life.
Really, my largest "outlets" for my grief have been this blog, Miranda (ha! Lucky her...), Randy, and continuing to do things that help me physically remember Brynlee. I know I'll never forget her, but I'm afraid as time passes, the memories and the feelings of my pregnancy, her birth, and afterward will start to become more and more clouded in my mind. My mind is constantly reeling of ways that our family can carry on her legacy.... and I can't wait to see where it takes us.
Losing Brynlee was the hardest thing I've had to endure in my life thus far, but I never expected the complexity that would accompany life and social situations as we try to "get back into life" (whatever that means. This IS our life!) Anyway, my perceptions have changed. Whereas I used to be the outsider trying to figure out how to help someone in need, I now realize how it is to be on the other side! I've realized a lot of things about groups of people, human nature, and personalities in people that I would have never realized otherwise. I guess this is what it's like to gain true empathy for others who face similar situations. This is what I've realized:
P.s. if it seems like I'm venting, I maybe am...just a bit. But I totally know how it feels to be on the outside looking in, so I place no blame on ANYBODY! I've said some of the stupidest things to people who have faced a hardship in the past...which don't even compare to any of the things I'll post about here.
Anyway, my thoughts are this: everyone has a perception on how they think you should be grieving. And it varies for various groups of people. Some people really shy away from talking about anything that happened. They expect you to act fine and they're relieved when you do, so they don't have to be involved in the awkwardness. Other people, mainly people from the church, expect you to be a puddle of mud on the ground, unable to survive. And they think it's really strange if you're not. And THEN there's the people who get it. Who realize that without faith, we WOULD be a puddle of mud on the ground with no hope for the future, but realize that we don't need someone standing on the sidelines, analyzing and sending reports on how we're coping, but instead they actively become involved in helping us pick up the pieces of our lives, allowing us to talk about and process our grief by doing so. I could talk about our situation a million times, over and over again, and each time I do, I make a new realization and receive a new glimmer of hope - even if just from my own ramblings. I understand people don't know how to bring it up or don't want to open the flood gates if we're trying to "forget our troubles" for awhile, but why in the world would we ever want to do that??? We want to honor and cherish Brynlee just as we would any other living child of ours, but it's harder to do when she's not here on earth with us...so it's by finding ways to remember her and talk about her that gives us peace.
I've been thinking more and more too about my guilt in answering the "How are you doing???????" questions in any manner that sounds even remotely positive. My thoughts today have been that we have been given a strength beyond our own capacities thru this trial. When people say "Wow! You seem so be doing so WELL?!?!?!?!!!" I should be saying that it's only borrowed strength. I too would have never expected to survive such a tragedy, but I am...as would anyone else... you just do. And the Lord helps. (apparently, I needed A LOT of help!!) What hurts...I mean REALLY hurts...is when Randy and I wonder if people think that we love(d) Brynlee any less because of the "strength" that they see from us during a brief period of time. Almost like the grief and pain you show to an individual at a certain point in time somehow indicates the amount of love you must have had for your child. I know I loved Brynlee as much as I would any other child, but the thought that people could be thinking this of me brings me to tears every time! And then I realize that it wouldn't be fair to force myself into a pit of depression, never allowing myself to act "normal" or be happy again. I am not "normal" nor will I ever be "normal" again - and I accept that and vow to allow our sweet Brynlee to make a positive impact on my life, not a negative one.
I have a continual sadness, an empty feeling, an ache for Brynlee that I don't expect to go away, but I learn to cope with it - to find some sort of joy in the journey - to be hopeful for the future - and stand convicted that what I know about God and his promises to me are true. Although Brynlee can't be here on earth with us, I can't help but think of anywhere I'd rather have her be.
1 comment:
BAM!! Spot on!! Could not have word it better myself.
Post a Comment