Nothing new...just miss you like crazy

My sweet Brynlee,
Before going to bed tonight, I just need to be with you.  I need to tell you again that I love you.  That I'm so sad you're gone - so sad I can't hold you in my arms....so sad I can't change the outcome.  I just miss you like crazy right now... I hate that I'll never see you grow up or experience life.  Tonight I attended a Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope dinner outing and found it great to share you with others.  I felt empowered and supported while I was there, but now after arriving home, I just miss you so much.  I thought about how I got to know you while you were still inside of me.  How I got to know your little personality.  How much I loved you then, even before seeing your beautiful face.  One really profound thing that was said tonight has stuck with me.  Someone said "the old me has died with my baby", and I don't think that could be more true.  I am a different person than I was before I was blessed to know you both physically and emotionally.  You've turned my life upside down, but I wouldn't trade the opportunity I got to know you and love you for anything in this world. 
Be strong baby.  Until we meet again...
Momma

People's Perceptions...

Been feeling a little more confused/frustrated/sad lately...but not quite sure why... the smallest things have recently been known to set me into tears (seeing parents holding signs to vote "yes" on the ballot for the school levy or watching the dolphin show at the zoo)
Maybe it's because I have less to do for my baby (organize her things, thank yous, etc.) that make me feel like I'm still "in the moment" with her, but more to do to continue on with life.
Really, my largest "outlets" for my grief have been this blog, Miranda (ha! Lucky her...), Randy, and continuing to do things that help me physically remember Brynlee. I know I'll never forget her, but I'm afraid as time passes, the memories and the feelings of my pregnancy, her birth, and afterward will start to become more and more clouded in my mind. My mind is constantly reeling of ways that our family can carry on her legacy.... and I can't wait to see where it takes us.
Losing Brynlee was the hardest thing I've had to endure in my life thus far, but I never expected the complexity that would accompany life and social situations as we try to "get back into life" (whatever that means. This IS our life!) Anyway, my perceptions have changed. Whereas I used to be the outsider trying to figure out how to help someone in need, I now realize how it is to be on the other side! I've realized a lot of things about groups of people, human nature, and personalities in people that I would have never realized otherwise. I guess this is what it's like to gain true empathy for others who face similar situations. This is what I've realized:
P.s. if it seems like I'm venting, I maybe am...just a bit. But I totally know how it feels to be on the outside looking in, so I place no blame on ANYBODY! I've said some of the stupidest things to people who have faced a hardship in the past...which don't even compare to any of the things I'll post about here.
Anyway, my thoughts are this: everyone has a perception on how they think you should be grieving. And it varies for various groups of people. Some people really shy away from talking about anything that happened. They expect you to act fine and they're relieved when you do, so they don't have to be involved in the awkwardness. Other people, mainly people from the church, expect you to be a puddle of mud on the ground, unable to survive. And they think it's really strange if you're not. And THEN there's the people who get it. Who realize that without faith, we WOULD be a puddle of mud on the ground with no hope for the future, but realize that we don't need someone standing on the sidelines, analyzing and sending reports on how we're coping, but instead they actively become involved in helping us pick up the pieces of our lives, allowing us to talk about and process our grief by doing so. I could talk about our situation a million times, over and over again, and each time I do, I make a new realization and receive a new glimmer of hope - even if just from my own ramblings. I understand people don't know how to bring it up or don't want to open the flood gates if we're trying to "forget our troubles" for awhile, but why in the world would we ever want to do that??? We want to honor and cherish Brynlee just as we would any other living child of ours, but it's harder to do when she's not here on earth with us...so it's by finding ways to remember her and talk about her that gives us peace.
I've been thinking more and more too about my guilt in answering the "How are you doing???????" questions in any manner that sounds even remotely positive. My thoughts today have been that we have been given a strength beyond our own capacities thru this trial. When people say "Wow! You seem so be doing so WELL?!?!?!?!!!" I should be saying that it's only borrowed strength. I too would have never expected to survive such a tragedy, but I am...as would anyone else... you just do. And the Lord helps. (apparently, I needed A LOT of help!!) What hurts...I mean REALLY hurts...is when Randy and I wonder if people think that we love(d) Brynlee any less because of the "strength" that they see from us during a brief period of time. Almost like the grief and pain you show to an individual at a certain point in time somehow indicates the amount of love you must have had for your child. I know I loved Brynlee as much as I would any other child, but the thought that people could be thinking this of me brings me to tears every time! And then I realize that it wouldn't be fair to force myself into a pit of depression, never allowing myself to act "normal" or be happy again. I am not "normal" nor will I ever be "normal" again - and I accept that and vow to allow our sweet Brynlee to make a positive impact on my life, not a negative one.
I have a continual sadness, an empty feeling, an ache for Brynlee that I don't expect to go away, but I learn to cope with it - to find some sort of joy in the journey - to be hopeful for the future - and stand convicted that what I know about God and his promises to me are true. Although Brynlee can't be here on earth with us, I can't help but think of anywhere I'd rather have her be.

How am I doing?...

"So...how are you guys doing??"
We get asked that a lot.  I'm so glad people care enough to at least ask, but man, it's a loaded question!  How I personally am doing depends on the day, sometimes the hour, and sometimes even the minute.  But overall, I feel like we have a good grip on our grief so I usually reply with a "we're doing alright".  Every once in a while, I'll respond with a "we're good!" and then I think, "man, our baby just died!  How can we be "good"?"  To be honest, there's a feeling of emptiness that doesn't go away, but it's just a matter of how "front and center" it is in my thoughts to determine my mood overall.  Overall, I feel happy to have had her in our lives, if even for the short moment.  I'm beginning to have a greater faith that this was part of God's plan and there's nothing we could have done to change the outcome.  With that in mind, I can allow myself to focus on the positives, rather than the "negatives" (and who knows...maybe the "negatives" only seem "negative" to us on earth, due to our limited knowledge of the bigger picture).
We went home this weekend to pick up my parent's piano.  While we were there, we went to Emma and Hunter's Birthday parties at the hotel. Logan had a blast swimming, and we were happy to spend more time with family.  And guess what?  There was even an itty bitty baby there... and for the first time, I didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable - at all!  I gushed over her just as I would have before Brynlee was born.  It felt so good.  I started to wonder if it's only uncomfortable when I or the parents of the baby make it so.  Either way, I was still proud of myself.
This morning, we woke up and rushed off to make it back in time for our stake conference meeting, but not before stopping at the cemetary to make a quick visit to see our Brynlee's grave.  Logan thought we should dig her up and take her with us. 
Stake Conference was good.  I was so glad we made it - even if we were a half hour late :/  Anyway, it's always a little hard for me to listen at these meetings because there's so many people and so much going on.  Plus, it's usually harder for Logan to pay attention too because he can't see anything and the folding chairs are just not the same to crawl across and play on as the pews.  So anyway, I was trying to listen to as much as I could and was enjoying the talks.  The last talk given was by the Stake President himself.  He talked about his "prescription" to each one of us in order to live happier and more fulfilled lives. Anyway, near the end of his talk, he said "Life isn't that hard, really....".  These words stood out loud and clear to me.  After he said it, he left a long pause, at which point I was thinking "Really?!?!  Who is this guy??  Where is he going with this?!  Is he just going to dismiss the fact that people suffer with really terrible trials in their lives?"  At that time, it was like I was watching him in slow motion.  I noticed every little expression he made before moving on to say something along the lines of that "God has sent his son, Jesus Christ, to lighten our burdens if we place faith and trust in him.  We can cast our sorrows, our disappointments and our greatest trials on him, and he'll gladly carry them for us"  Wow!  What a recovery!  That's so true!  It made me think about how I often feel guilty for saying we're doing "fine" or "good" lately.  We have not forgotten our sweet baby, but have placed our trials upon the Lord, and he has given us peace... and THIS makes me feel good....not that our baby has died and that our hopes and dreams for raising her on earth have been shattered. 
This realization made me feel such relief.  It was so good to hear, but like I said earlier, my feelings change continuously and as the day has gone on, the empty feeling inside of me has grown... I always know when I need to release my feelings on this blog.  It's such an outlet for me.  It always makes me feel better.  It helps me to know that if I document everything, it will be harder to forget...because often times my whole pregnancy and loss of Brynlee seems more like a bad dream than reality...that is until I do something like pack my maternity swimsuit out of habit (like I did this weekend) or swing by the baby section at Target (which I always have to remind myself I don't need to do anymore).  Those things are hard... hard when I realize how much my life has changed in the past couple of months.