How am I doing?...

"So...how are you guys doing??"
We get asked that a lot.  I'm so glad people care enough to at least ask, but man, it's a loaded question!  How I personally am doing depends on the day, sometimes the hour, and sometimes even the minute.  But overall, I feel like we have a good grip on our grief so I usually reply with a "we're doing alright".  Every once in a while, I'll respond with a "we're good!" and then I think, "man, our baby just died!  How can we be "good"?"  To be honest, there's a feeling of emptiness that doesn't go away, but it's just a matter of how "front and center" it is in my thoughts to determine my mood overall.  Overall, I feel happy to have had her in our lives, if even for the short moment.  I'm beginning to have a greater faith that this was part of God's plan and there's nothing we could have done to change the outcome.  With that in mind, I can allow myself to focus on the positives, rather than the "negatives" (and who knows...maybe the "negatives" only seem "negative" to us on earth, due to our limited knowledge of the bigger picture).
We went home this weekend to pick up my parent's piano.  While we were there, we went to Emma and Hunter's Birthday parties at the hotel. Logan had a blast swimming, and we were happy to spend more time with family.  And guess what?  There was even an itty bitty baby there... and for the first time, I didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable - at all!  I gushed over her just as I would have before Brynlee was born.  It felt so good.  I started to wonder if it's only uncomfortable when I or the parents of the baby make it so.  Either way, I was still proud of myself.
This morning, we woke up and rushed off to make it back in time for our stake conference meeting, but not before stopping at the cemetary to make a quick visit to see our Brynlee's grave.  Logan thought we should dig her up and take her with us. 
Stake Conference was good.  I was so glad we made it - even if we were a half hour late :/  Anyway, it's always a little hard for me to listen at these meetings because there's so many people and so much going on.  Plus, it's usually harder for Logan to pay attention too because he can't see anything and the folding chairs are just not the same to crawl across and play on as the pews.  So anyway, I was trying to listen to as much as I could and was enjoying the talks.  The last talk given was by the Stake President himself.  He talked about his "prescription" to each one of us in order to live happier and more fulfilled lives. Anyway, near the end of his talk, he said "Life isn't that hard, really....".  These words stood out loud and clear to me.  After he said it, he left a long pause, at which point I was thinking "Really?!?!  Who is this guy??  Where is he going with this?!  Is he just going to dismiss the fact that people suffer with really terrible trials in their lives?"  At that time, it was like I was watching him in slow motion.  I noticed every little expression he made before moving on to say something along the lines of that "God has sent his son, Jesus Christ, to lighten our burdens if we place faith and trust in him.  We can cast our sorrows, our disappointments and our greatest trials on him, and he'll gladly carry them for us"  Wow!  What a recovery!  That's so true!  It made me think about how I often feel guilty for saying we're doing "fine" or "good" lately.  We have not forgotten our sweet baby, but have placed our trials upon the Lord, and he has given us peace... and THIS makes me feel good....not that our baby has died and that our hopes and dreams for raising her on earth have been shattered. 
This realization made me feel such relief.  It was so good to hear, but like I said earlier, my feelings change continuously and as the day has gone on, the empty feeling inside of me has grown... I always know when I need to release my feelings on this blog.  It's such an outlet for me.  It always makes me feel better.  It helps me to know that if I document everything, it will be harder to forget...because often times my whole pregnancy and loss of Brynlee seems more like a bad dream than reality...that is until I do something like pack my maternity swimsuit out of habit (like I did this weekend) or swing by the baby section at Target (which I always have to remind myself I don't need to do anymore).  Those things are hard... hard when I realize how much my life has changed in the past couple of months.