Today has been a good day - considering... and I owe it all to you. Up until today, it's been hard for me to focus on anything other than me, myself, my needs, my desires, my wishes, etc. My thoughts are constantly on my family (more so me), and you in particular. I think that's normal, but I've been feeling a little selfish lately, so today I recognized an opportunity to serve someone else, and I jumped on it. Not a huge thing, but Miranda has given so much to us and so when I heard she wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, I immediately offered to take her son Tanner for the afternoon while she went to an appt. and ran some errands. It made me feel so good to start turning my "selfishness" around. Apparently your brother recognized the "specialness" too, because on the way to get Tanner he said "Mommy, Jesus is so proud of us for taking Tanner to our house!" Gosh, I love that boy! I may have said something similar to that to him in the past, but he actually made the connection and knew we were doing something good for someone else. Since you came, he has been talking A LOT about Jesus, heaven, and his sister. It's so wonderful to hear these comments and connections come straight from his mouth. He talks about how Jesus takes good care of you, how he misses you, and one day he even told me very matter-of-factly "Mommy, you're going to die and go to heaven soon!" Not sure how I feel about that one... :/ He loves you dearly. He was (and still is) so excited to be your big brother. He runs and gets your picture to show everyone who walks in the door saying "Look! It's my sister Brynlee!" When he feels sad that you're not physically here with us, he'll go into your crib, pick out a stuffed animal and snuggle it for awhile. This is what he did when we got home tonight from our ward's fall festival. He's such a good big brother. One time tonight, he came up to me and said "Mommy, where is Jessa's mommy? Jessa's not happy and I can't make her happy" Then as I went to find Jessa's mommy, I went back to find him back at her carseat, crouched down, rubbing her blankets, rocking her carseat and saying "it's ok Jessa.... it's ok..." I'm so happy to see him be so tender to other babies. I just wish you could have witnessed his same love for you on earth.
Also at the fall festival, I got talking to a mom who had her baby just one day before your due date. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect, as far as how the conversation would go, or how I'd be around her or her baby, but again I really surprised myself! I was totally fine and happy for her and her sweet, precious baby. What I thought might hurt just a bit, turned out to be highly therapeutic! Because you two would have been almost the exact same age, she did remind me of you...but as a good reminder, not a hurtful or jealous one. You, my dear, are a very unique child of God and there can never be anyone like you.
Upon returning home from tonight's activities, I was filled with an immense gratitude for you and your brother. Logan and I laid and cuddled for a long time tonight and for the first time since all this happened, I felt a deeper love and appreciation for him than I had before when my mind was always consumed on me and you. I’m beginning to realize that he’s the reason I’m not a puddle on the floor most of the time. He needs me to still be a mother to him…to show and share joy with him, to teach him, to support him, and be available and attentive to his needs. He’s a wonderful distraction and helps bring light and happiness back into my days.
Sooo....that brings me to my final point. Below are reasons 1,999, 998 - 2,000,001 that I realized (just today!) that make me so grateful and proud to have you as a member of our family (in addition to the 1,999,997 reasons before this) and are more reminders of the "footprints" you've made without even stepping foot on this earth:
1,999,998- you've helped me realize that although some days my grief can be all consuming, I can still be of service to others, and 99% of the time, I'll be happy I did.
1,999,999- you've helped me recognize that confronting tough situations early on will help me overcome and bring a peace that would be hard to come by had I not confronted the situation at all. I keep having to remind myself to conquer my awkward/uncomfortable/tough situations and let them go rather than dwelling on them. I know that if I decide to dwell on the negatives instead of confronting them, it will soon breed resentment, bad feelings and more guilt. This is a great reminder for lots of life situations.
2,000,000 - you've helped me tune in to the needs of our family here on earth. I now see with greater clarity as far as what my family needs from me, and now as I finally start to get a grip on my grief overall, I can be of more service to them and recognize the true blessings they are in my life and shower them with a greater love and appreciation.
2,000,001 - you've instilled in me a greater confidence in myself and my abilities. I’ve become more genuine I think. For the first time in a long time (if ever), I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin. I have so many thoughts and emotions constantly running through my head that I don’t have the time to filter my thoughts and comments for each individual person anymore. I am who I am, and I’m enjoying not worrying as much about what people think.
I'm so proud of you for making us all better people. You've encouraged us to trust in the Lord and as we do, the blessings are immeasurable.
Much love!
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment