Our Story - Part 2

When Kristi from Missing Grace (www.missinggrace.org) came, we didn't know what to expect.  The nurses mentioned something about an organization that the hospital is contracted with, but I really didn't know what that meant.  Either way, I was surprised to have someone come "visit" at midnight!  She explained who they are and what they do.  Kristi explained her story about losing her son Aiden at 38 weeks due to a cord accident and about her experience with the Missing Grace volunteers that helped her.  She even delivered Aiden in the room we were in!  She explained that if we were comfortable with it, they would be there to take pictures, video and memorbilia.  I thought it was a little strange, but Randy and I decided that we don't want to have any regrets and so we'd be open to anything and then if we decide we want to put the pictures or video away to not be seen again in the near future, at least we knew we had them if we wanted them.  We discussed our fears of seeing our baby.  We didn't know what condition she'd be in... would the image of her in my mind make the grief harder?  I didn't think I could handle seeing my baby's lifeless body at all, much less in a less than perfect state.  She showed us pictures of other stillborn babies and her own pictures of Aiden.

We then took pregnancy pictures.  I have to admit, It was a little weird, but now I'm so glad we took them.  It felt weird to be taking pictures of my belly when I was in such a sad state emotionally. It was so odd that the only thing I could do was smile...awkwardly.  Before Kristi left she said she'd return when labor progressed and would be there for the birth if we were ok with that...  at that point I could have cared less.  I didn't have an opinion on anything anymore.
After she left we tried to get some rest.  I was able to sleep until about 2:30 at which point I called the nurse to get some drugs.  One thing Kristi mentioned is that although I'd like every drug under the sun, she suggested we try and go without an epidural, just so we could be up and moving around with our baby as soon as she was born. And so I tried... we started with the iv drugs.  I don't remember the name of the drug, but what I do know is that it made me extremely dizzy... I have a very little tolerance for drugs, so although I could technically take double the dosage (since there was no harm to the baby), we decided to not go with the full dose, just so it wouldn't make me too loopy....and honestly, it only took the very edge off the pain, but I was going to TRY and stick it out. I was then able to sleep a while longer until about 4:00, at which point I asked for more of the same med.  The pain was getting pretty intense but wasn't about to get the epidural yet.  I actually liked trying to stick it out...it felt good to not have any of the side effects of the epidural.  By then, I was past the point of being able to sleep so I tried to catch some early morning news.  It was going to be sunny and in the 70s that day.  Around 8:00 the nurse checked me and I was stalled out at a 1.  The pain was getting more intense but not unbearable yet....but I was only at a 1.  I didn't think I'd have enough energy to get me to a 10, so I finally decided to go with the epidural.  Right as the anesthesiologist was doing his thing, my doctor arrived.  She decided to break my water to get things moving.  After doing so, she checked me again, and I was already a very strong 3!  I guess I just needed to relax...
I won't get into the gory details of the delivery, but it was so unlike having a live birth.  Around 11:00, I started to feel our baby make her way out.  I had Randy go get the nurse as I was sure she was coming... but no one was in any sort of a hurry.  The nurse came in, took a look and said "yep, she's coming..." then covered me back up with the blanket and went to call the doctor and Missing Grace.  Everyone seemed to arrive at the same time.  By the time they did, our precious girl was already half born.  Just one small push later, she was "officially" born at 11:07 am on September 9, 2011.  The room was quiet.  No people rushing around.  No cheers. No cry.  Just soft voices saying "poor baby..." or "ohh sweetie".  When she was born we realized the reason she died.  The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times.  Neither the nurse, Kristi, or doctor had seen a cord wrapped so many times. I layed there and cried with my head in my hands for a long while after she was born.  It was too much to digest all at once.

They took her and got her all cleaned up and swaddled before showing her to me, at my own request.  I wanted to see her at her best.  However, after they placed her in my arms, my heart exploded with love... just as it had when Logan was born.  She was ours... and she was beautiful!  She looked just like her big brother!  She did have a few skin tears on her face, but I could have cared less.  I saw her for who she was.  I wanted to examine her whole body and get to know my sweet baby so I unwrapped her slowly, examining her hands, fingernails, legs, feet and toes.  By then, two other Missing Grace volunteers were there and they coddled all over her as if she were their own.  They got her dressed in an outfit and hat handmade by volunteers.  It meant the world to have them treat her as if she were their own.  I knew that they "got it".  They understood... and that made a world of difference.  Because of them, my fears over the unknown diminished and my love for my daughter grew.  They fluttered around taking pictures of her from all sides, hand and foot prints, and molds.  Around that time our friend Miranda came for a visit.  As I said, she also lost a son and it felt so good to share our daughter with her, and she held her and looked at her as only a mother who truly understood would!  What a good feeling that gave me!

It was then that Kristi showed us her video Missing Grace made for her.  It's the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen and goes to show what an amazing organization Missing Grace is!  Get your tissues ready and check out her video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmGGtGJt5go.  As we're watching this video, I'm sobbing and watching Miranda rock Brynlee with such gentleness.  I was so grateful for this precious child.  I then noticed that her skin tears were drying out and I knew our time with her was limited.  It was then that I panicked.  The epidural had just worn off and I wanted up.  I wanted to get dressed.  I wanted out of the bed and I wanted my baby.  I couldn't wait another second.
The nurse helped me up and dressed and then to the rocking chair.  I asked Miranda for my baby and was able to put her up on my shoulder with her head against my cheek, and I lost it.  I felt so close to her, yet so far away at the same time.  I held her and didn't want to let her go.  What I expected to be the worst moment of my life became the most cherished.

Soon it was time to name her.  Most of the names we had chosen for our girl didn't seem to fit anymore, but there was one that fit perfectly....Brynlee.  Then we needed a middle name, which we hadn't even thought about yet.  I liked something with some meaning such as faith or hope or grace.  We decided to poll the "audience" and after going back and forth for awhile, we finally decided on "Faith".  After all, that's the only thing that would get us through this.  I figured we'd need the reminder.  And so it was... Brynlee Faith Petersen... our precious little angel.

Soon after, Logan arrived with my mom.  We attempted a family picture, but Logan was a little concerned about Brynlee's skin tear on her eye, so we decided not to force him into something he didn't feel comfortable with.  He was much more comfortable just being there, watching cartoons from the chair.  Eventually though, he gave his sweet baby sister a kiss on the head.  It was a great thing for us to see...
Soon, everyone left and we were allowed some time alone with our baby.  We wrapped her tightly and all climbed up on the bed together.  We layed there, feeling her body close to ours. We inspected every feature on her face, trying to lock everything into our memory so we'd never forget.  That time together was much needed by that point and very therapeutic.
After that, we tried to eat a bit of what they brought for dinner.  We put Brynlee under the warmer, but it kept beeping, telling us to "Check Baby".  I think she was fine...  I think they need an override on those machines for babys that aren't supposed to move.
We were waiting for Randy's mom to arrive sometime around 10 pm, then do a name and a blessing, and then say goodbye.  And we did just that.  The blessing was beautiful and Randy did such a good job.  Bishop Pratt returned to help with it, and we were grateful he was able to be there. Then it was time to say goodbye.  I can't believe how my perception changed about the experience from the moment we were admitted to the time we were discharged.  We had 12 wonderful and meaningful hours with her and lots of mementos, but now "goodbye" was the hardest part I was dreading.

The nurse came and brought a basket to put her in, so we bundled her up, placed her in the basket, and left her in the nurses arms.  Walking out the doors of the OB unit and eventually out the big front sliding doors, I again was brought back to our hospital tour.  We were leaving without a baby.  How unfair is that??  I was, however, grateful for the very special time we had with our baby.  I was grateful that our experience was much more positive than negative (as we thought it would be when we were first admitted).  I was proud of my baby girl and I was proud of my eternal family.  My arms were empty, but my heart was full.