The time in between the time we left the hospital and held Brynlee's services were filled with all sorts of emotions. I felt sorrow and emptiness over not having our baby girl with us. I felt guilt if my mind would wander from her for even just a moment. I didn't want to forget her. I felt gratitude for the peace and understanding we'd been given from God. I felt deeply loved by family, friends and ward members. Many of them knew our needs even before we did. Meals, phone calls, texts and emails rolled in as people heard the news. It was hard to respond to each person individually, but we felt deeply humbled by their compassion and service.
We arrived home from the hospital late Friday night. Saturday we woke up and went to make arrangements at the funeral home. They said they had picked up our sweet Brynlee's body and had it there. We talked about arrangements for the day of her burial and were shown her casket. It felt so surreal. I couldn't believe we were talking about caskets and burial plots...we were too young to have to do this on our own! I knew NOTHING about how this was all supposed to go! Luckily we had Randy's mom there for support. At this meeting, we figured we'd just do a small graveside service for our immediate families. Brynlee was closest to us, we figured. No one else had ever met her or gotten to know her, so we thought just a small service would be suffice. We also discussed the possibility of transporting her body back to Sacred Heart ourselves, which they were open to allowing us to do. After our visit at the funeral home, we had a very active boy who became very restless during our meeting, so we decided to drive over to a nearby park to let him run off some of his energy and spend time together as a family. Well it was kind of time together....I spent most of the time returning phone calls...
Anyway, after the park we decided to swing by Applebees for lunch before heading home. It sounded like something to get our mind off of things for awhile, but I don't think we were quite up for an outing yet. There wasn't too much conversation at our table, except for more demands for Logan to settle down and behave. I felt very vulnerable as I still appeared pregnant. I avoided eye contact with every person I saw, hoping that no one would congratulate me on being pregnant. "At least most other new moms have a baby in tow, thereby completing the story, but for me... I just still looked pregnant" I thought. Soon Logan's energy level went off the charts again and I ended up taking him to a "time-out" away from the table. As I set him near the entrance door, he was in a full out tantrum. Right there I lost it. I just wanted to hold my living child tight and tell him I love him, but he was in no mood for that. I tried to hold back the frustration and tears welling up inside me, but couldn't control them much longer. I cried because I knew the confusion this was causing in Logan. I cried because I didn't feel like I was mentally able to deal with a defiant toddler in the condition I was in. I cried because I missed my baby, and I knew there was nothing I could do to get her back while on this earth.
When we got home, we were happy to just relax within the safe walls of our home. I felt like I had enough of being in the world. I was happy sheltering myself at home, I realized.
The rest of Saturday was pretty lazy. We watched some movies and even tried to take a nap while Coralee watched Logan, but Randy and I ended up in deep conversation, and never got the opportunity to nap before we thought we had better go spend some more time with Logan. Late Saturday evening as we were talking to friends and returning phone calls, we could tell people had a lot of questions about whether we were planning services for Brynlee. It caught me off guard... why would anyone want to come to say goodbye to a baby they had never met, I wondered...but as I thought about it, I realized that people wanted to come and support US. Randy and I then talked about and decided we'd add a short memorial service on Tuesday at the chapel before heading to the Sacred Heart cemetary. This we figured would be our invitation to others to come and talk with us. I was happy we made this decision and was happy to have the opportunity to share her openly with our friends.
On Sunday we had Bishop Pratt and the Relief Society President over to first of all, to help bring us the sacrament. I have never received the sacrament at home before, but after eating the bread, I felt Brynlee closer than I had since leaving the hospital. It was such a comfort to me. Next we talked about and made plans for the services to be held at the church. I was so emotionally drained by this point and I again didn't have much of an opinion on anything. I wanted it to be "nice" but beyond that, It was so hard for me to concern myself with the details such as "what time...10:00? 11:00? Will we have enough time to get from the funeral home to the chapel? Or from the chapel to Sacred Heart?" etc. etc. etc. Finally, I told them I couldn't think about it anymore. I knew these were decisions that had to be made in order to make the day flow properly, but all I cared about was my baby...and how much I missed her. Nothing else seemed to matter.
Monday we ran lots of errands. We printed pictures, got things in order to display at her services, and visited the Missing Grace center in Rogers to pick up our photos and video. We only anticipated being there an hour or so, but ended up staying for over 3 hours! It was great talking to Candy again, watching our video and touring the center. It's amazing everything that has come out of Candy's experience with her baby girl, Grace. I couldn't help but selfishly feel grateful for her experience so that I could gain strength from her!
Finally it was the day of Brynlee's memorial and burial - Tuesday, September 13. We woke up early that morning. We decided that we all were going to write letters to be buried with Brynlee, so the first thing I did that day was get started on mine (while the house was still quiet). I wrote and wrote and wrote and told her all about my love for her and my thoughts and feelings at the moment. I didn't want to stop writing. I felt like she was near me, listening somehow, when I was writing... Eventually, I realized I needed to move on with getting ready for the day. I got up and did just that. My parents were back again by then and all I remember as I was getting ready was the silence. I kept telling everyone to quit being so quiet! I wanted the day to be a positive one, not one filled with lots of sadness...
Anyway, eventually it was time to go pick up our Brynlee from the funeral home. The day was sunny and bright...I'm so grateful it was. It seemed to help brighten my mood. On our way, I again was noticing people going about their day to day business. Didn't they know this was my baby's day?? I felt like everyone should be honoring my baby that day...
Soon we got to the funeral home and we all funneled inside. It was Bishop Pratt, Miranda, my mom and dad, Randy's mom Coralee, and Randy, Logan and I. They had Brynlee in her casket at the front of a small chapel. She looked so peaceful. The funeral home did a great job making her look natural. They put some make-up on her eye to cover up the skin tear, but didn't overdo it to make her look too fake. Her face had filled out some and I was happy to see that. I think she had lost some weight before she died and she therefore had a thinner look than she would have, had she been born healthy. I felt like the fullness in her face at that time might have been more like her usual shape....she definitely looked like a Mahlum more than she ever had before!
We all took our turns putting in the items we had brought. Logan had made a picture for his sister that morning that spelled out "Brynlee" and "Sister" in foam letters, complete with pictures of Blue (my parents dog that recently died), Brynlee and Logan. He also decided to give his sister his train "Lady" which he had picked out earlier that morning just for her. He must have known right away which train he wanted to give her, becuause he picked it up without any hesitation. "Lady" is I think one of the only female trains in the Thomas collection. Randy, my mom and Coralee put in their letters. I put in my letter and a small bracelet for Brynlee that my friend Katy had made, that has a matching portion that I wear. My dad put in a small guitar...one just like the one he gave Logan shortly after he was born. Miranda then gave us two blankets handmade by her and two other friends, Erin and Catherine. They were perfect! We tucked one in around Brynlee and kept one for ourselves. On the corner of each one it was stitched with the words, "Brynlee Faith Petersen, September 9, 2011". I was so happy to see her wrapped up snugly in so many blankets...it somehow made me feel better to know she'd be warm.
Logan then wanted a peek at his sister. It was the sweetest thing. He was stroking the blankets around her and looked at her lovingly. He then asked "Will she wake up?" Reluctantly, we told him "nope buddy... she won't wake up..." What a tough concept for such a little guy...
We then said a family prayer and each had a moment to say goodbye before the casket was closed. As we left, I was definitely sad, but remember feeling "lighter" when we left the funeral home. It felt so good to be with her again and take her with us to the church and eventually home to her burial spot. We didn't know if this would be as therapeutic for Logan though. To him, she was supposed to be riding in a car seat, not a coffin. So we sent him to ride with my parents as we took Brynlee. We joked about the fact that she even got to ride shotgun... something very few babies are given the opportunity to do.
"That's a Wrap"
1 year ago
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