A different kind of Christmas

This Christmas was unlike any other Christmas I've ever experienced.  I didn't expect it to be the same, exactly, but my feelings regarding it all really surprised me.  I started thinking about it back in November, when it was the "hot topic" at our PIL group at the hospital.  The counselor's suggestions were to
1.  Have a plan for the holiday events.  And an escape route (just in case)
-and-
2.  Take care of yourself first and foremost, before all else.
Sounded great (especially for those not fond of the family they would be spending the day with, or those who had to face the joyous faces of family members who recently welcomed happy and healthy babies into their family), but I really didn't think I'd have too much of a problem.  I figured we typically have a pretty relaxed and casual family gathering and no other babies to ooh and ahh over this year, so I thought I'd be fine.  I told myself that I was going to focus on what I HAVE been given and blessed with and not dwell over what I DON'T have or what should have been.... which was basically turned out to be easier said than done.
It started in November when the stores all of the sudden "threw up" Christmas.  It really irritated me.  All of it.  This year, Santa was a joke.  Blissful, happy people made me a little angry.  And basically anything resonating "Christmas Spirit" made me want to puke.  Now let me say, I'm not usually such a Scrooge.  I'm usually the first one cranking up Christmas songs in November and can't even wait past Thanksgiving to put up our tree.  But not this year.  This year, I couldn't wait for it to be over. But....despite that, I tried to embrace Christmas in a new way this year.  Besides being focused on shopping, Santa and presents, I found peace in remembering the true meaning of Christmas.  Never before have I been so incredibly moved by the Christmas story.  This year, it was real to me.  First and foremost, I knew that because of the true gift of Jesus's birth, life, death and resurrection, life extends past the grave.  It's because of Jesus that I can find peace in knowing that we can be united again as a family after we've departed this life.  Rather than playing the usual "Jingle Bells" or "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", I flooded our itunes with spiritual Christmas songs, which I played continuously for 6 weeks straight.  It helped me keep my "head in the game."  It was dangerous for me to become distracted and angry.
Why was I so easily angered, upset and such a Scrooge?  I don't know really... like I said, I didn't expect to feel that way, but I think maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought to not think about our sweet Brynlee, and how we would have loved to bundle her up to take her to the relatives, to be swooned over and cuddled by all those who love her.  To think about how things would have been different.  To think about putting her in that cute Christmas dress I so thoughtfully picked out just weeks before she died.
But then I looked at pictures like this:

and I see a glimpse of myself in that picture.  Of any mother, really.  Mary was a very special woman who was given a very important and special responsibility.  Mary bore and gave birth to the greatest gift to mankind, our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Although Mary's situation was one of significant scope, far beyond anything any of us are likely to experience, I still look at this picture and can understand some of the things she was feeling. I see the tenderness in her expression, the awe of the miracle, and the hope for the future.  In some crazy way, I felt like I was able to in a small way, live vicariously though Mary this Christmas.  My arms were empty, but because of that gift in her arms, I knew everything would be ok in the end.  Maybe hard to describe, but it's surely what helped me through all the hustle and bustle of the holidays this year.
Then came the days leading up to Christmas... and an intense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks.  It actually hit me, blindsided, as Logan and I were making up the cookie dough a few days before Christmas to save for Christmas Eve. In no time flat, I was a teary eyed mess, and continued that way for the majority of the weekend. I was sad, but on top of that I was angry, and on top of that, I was frustrated with myself for becoming such a mess.  I wanted to give Logan a good and memorable Christmas experience.  I wanted to be happy - for him.  The whole conflict of emotions led to stress, which added more tears.  By that night, I asked Randy for a blessing, which gave me lots of comfort, enough to at least gain somewhat of a grip on my emotions.
Christmas Eve we snuck away from family for awhile to bring a small live evergreen tree to Brynlee's grave. The weather was unseasonably warm this year, allowing us to be there for some time.  Logan again went to find the largest stick he could find to stand up in the still upturned dirt above her grave. I'm sure people wonder what in the heck it is, or why anyone would stand up a huge branch above a grave, but it's Logan's way of "taking care" of his sister, and it's so sweet to see.  I'm sure her grave will have a stick coming out of it for some time...Logan will make sure of it ;)

In preparing for Christmas this year, I wanted to do things that would help us remember this year, and Brynlee in particular, so first and foremost, we got her some ornaments for the tree.

These are some porcelain booties I found at the general store, that I had personalized, just for her.

 this is an ornament we made at our December group meeting, complete with a note from each of us to Brynlee tucked inside :)

And lastly, an adorable angel ornament that my team at work got me as part of my Christmas gift.
Next, after much thought and deliberation about whether or not to get Brynlee a stocking this year, and if we do, what kind of one would be appropriate, etc...... I finally just ordered one from Company Kids, complete with her name embriodered on the top.  The image on the stocking when I ordered it said it was a fairy, but I thought it looked rather "angelish" too.  And this is what we did with it:

We each wrote on a strip of paper something we vow to work on this year or do to make us better people, mostly as a result of the feelings we receive(d) from having Brynlee in our family.  We'll do this each year, and each Christmas Day, we'll read again our promises from the year before, evaluate, and then write new.  I think this will be a great way to recognize Brynlee's continual presence in our lives.

And we made it.  A Christmas that was anticipated for months to come, as one filled with excitement and joy, but instead upturned and scattered just months before, and the learning and enlightenment that we found through it all.

Randy and Logan Take a Trip

The weekend before Thanksgiving, Randy and Logan took a trip down to Texas to help Grandma Pete get her house ready to sell. We thought it'd be a good time for Logan to do something fun with Daddy, while I got to catch up on a million things on my to-do list. Which...sounded like a good idea in an abstract sense, but my stomach started to knot up while I was driving them to the airport.  What was I doing?  Who ever thought it was a good idea to leave a lonely, sad momma completely ALONE for a long weekend?
Anyway, I dropped them off, gave them lots of hugs and kisses and told them a million times to be SAFE.  All the while Logan just couldn't wait to get inside and get to his airplane.

As soon as I drove off,  it's like I heard the timer start ticking.  I had my plan already laid out (basically hour by hour) so off I went to get started on my list. I wish now that I had kept that list, but it was incredible everything I accomplished in those few short days.  I read a book cover to cover (haven't done that in YEARS!), I made myself my very own cookbook, I cleaned and organized Brynlee's room, I made a collage of many of the cards we received from friends and family for her (so I can remember forever how incredibly loved we are:), got all of our outfits picked out and purchased for our OFFICIAL Christmas cards, and did some major organization around the house.  But, it was very lonely.  At night, I'd go to bed, close and lock all the doors to the bedroom, and try as hard as I could to fall asleep quickly before I'd hear too many noises that would freak me out.  It's funny how even just having Logan in the house with me, helps give me a sense of security, but being alone at night is scary!!!  For me anyway....
Anyway, Randy and Logan had a great time.  I'm so glad they were able to go and help out Grandma and that Logan was able to see and play with many of his cousins again.  And enjoy some one on one "fun time" with his Daddy :)

Logan's Turns 3!

Despite all that our family had just been through in the past month, we decided Logan definitely deserved to have a normal Birthday party.  The events with Brynlee have been hard on him too and it's a lot for a little guy to process and take in, but he's been a trooper and helped (and is still helping!) our family through.  We all contribute in our own way to our family's healing and progress, and little Logan, he sure has contributed - in ways way beyond what I would expect from a little 2 year old.
Anyway, we ended up keeping our original plans for a Birthday party at the apple orchard near my parents house the weekend before his Birthday.  On our way to the orchard that day, we stopped to try and get a good enough picture for Christmas cards...an hour later, we were late to the party, and didn't walk away with anything worthy of being put on a Christmas card.  They are, however, ok enough to put in a frame for awhile I guess...
Here's a few of our best:

Logan then had had enough of taking pictures and took Grandma up on a good game of hide and seek before we left.

Finally, we got to the party - fashionably late to our own party (of course).  Our friends and family know not to expect anything less :)
Katy had so graciously offered to make Logan's cake and it was delish.  Plus Logan just couldn't wait to play on his new "racetrack"!  Once we cut up what we wanted, we just let him go to town on the rest.  He had such a blast.

 Then we went on a hayride to pick pumpkins....

And then opened some presents!

It was a great time, and a great break for all of us.  Time continues to pass even when bad things happen, and this was one event we wanted to take the time to celebrate...he's a very special boy and I feel so priveleged to be his mommy!

Happy Birthday Buddy!

Nothing new...just miss you like crazy

My sweet Brynlee,
Before going to bed tonight, I just need to be with you.  I need to tell you again that I love you.  That I'm so sad you're gone - so sad I can't hold you in my arms....so sad I can't change the outcome.  I just miss you like crazy right now... I hate that I'll never see you grow up or experience life.  Tonight I attended a Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope dinner outing and found it great to share you with others.  I felt empowered and supported while I was there, but now after arriving home, I just miss you so much.  I thought about how I got to know you while you were still inside of me.  How I got to know your little personality.  How much I loved you then, even before seeing your beautiful face.  One really profound thing that was said tonight has stuck with me.  Someone said "the old me has died with my baby", and I don't think that could be more true.  I am a different person than I was before I was blessed to know you both physically and emotionally.  You've turned my life upside down, but I wouldn't trade the opportunity I got to know you and love you for anything in this world. 
Be strong baby.  Until we meet again...
Momma

People's Perceptions...

Been feeling a little more confused/frustrated/sad lately...but not quite sure why... the smallest things have recently been known to set me into tears (seeing parents holding signs to vote "yes" on the ballot for the school levy or watching the dolphin show at the zoo)
Maybe it's because I have less to do for my baby (organize her things, thank yous, etc.) that make me feel like I'm still "in the moment" with her, but more to do to continue on with life.
Really, my largest "outlets" for my grief have been this blog, Miranda (ha! Lucky her...), Randy, and continuing to do things that help me physically remember Brynlee. I know I'll never forget her, but I'm afraid as time passes, the memories and the feelings of my pregnancy, her birth, and afterward will start to become more and more clouded in my mind. My mind is constantly reeling of ways that our family can carry on her legacy.... and I can't wait to see where it takes us.
Losing Brynlee was the hardest thing I've had to endure in my life thus far, but I never expected the complexity that would accompany life and social situations as we try to "get back into life" (whatever that means. This IS our life!) Anyway, my perceptions have changed. Whereas I used to be the outsider trying to figure out how to help someone in need, I now realize how it is to be on the other side! I've realized a lot of things about groups of people, human nature, and personalities in people that I would have never realized otherwise. I guess this is what it's like to gain true empathy for others who face similar situations. This is what I've realized:
P.s. if it seems like I'm venting, I maybe am...just a bit. But I totally know how it feels to be on the outside looking in, so I place no blame on ANYBODY! I've said some of the stupidest things to people who have faced a hardship in the past...which don't even compare to any of the things I'll post about here.
Anyway, my thoughts are this: everyone has a perception on how they think you should be grieving. And it varies for various groups of people. Some people really shy away from talking about anything that happened. They expect you to act fine and they're relieved when you do, so they don't have to be involved in the awkwardness. Other people, mainly people from the church, expect you to be a puddle of mud on the ground, unable to survive. And they think it's really strange if you're not. And THEN there's the people who get it. Who realize that without faith, we WOULD be a puddle of mud on the ground with no hope for the future, but realize that we don't need someone standing on the sidelines, analyzing and sending reports on how we're coping, but instead they actively become involved in helping us pick up the pieces of our lives, allowing us to talk about and process our grief by doing so. I could talk about our situation a million times, over and over again, and each time I do, I make a new realization and receive a new glimmer of hope - even if just from my own ramblings. I understand people don't know how to bring it up or don't want to open the flood gates if we're trying to "forget our troubles" for awhile, but why in the world would we ever want to do that??? We want to honor and cherish Brynlee just as we would any other living child of ours, but it's harder to do when she's not here on earth with us...so it's by finding ways to remember her and talk about her that gives us peace.
I've been thinking more and more too about my guilt in answering the "How are you doing???????" questions in any manner that sounds even remotely positive. My thoughts today have been that we have been given a strength beyond our own capacities thru this trial. When people say "Wow! You seem so be doing so WELL?!?!?!?!!!" I should be saying that it's only borrowed strength. I too would have never expected to survive such a tragedy, but I am...as would anyone else... you just do. And the Lord helps. (apparently, I needed A LOT of help!!) What hurts...I mean REALLY hurts...is when Randy and I wonder if people think that we love(d) Brynlee any less because of the "strength" that they see from us during a brief period of time. Almost like the grief and pain you show to an individual at a certain point in time somehow indicates the amount of love you must have had for your child. I know I loved Brynlee as much as I would any other child, but the thought that people could be thinking this of me brings me to tears every time! And then I realize that it wouldn't be fair to force myself into a pit of depression, never allowing myself to act "normal" or be happy again. I am not "normal" nor will I ever be "normal" again - and I accept that and vow to allow our sweet Brynlee to make a positive impact on my life, not a negative one.
I have a continual sadness, an empty feeling, an ache for Brynlee that I don't expect to go away, but I learn to cope with it - to find some sort of joy in the journey - to be hopeful for the future - and stand convicted that what I know about God and his promises to me are true. Although Brynlee can't be here on earth with us, I can't help but think of anywhere I'd rather have her be.

How am I doing?...

"So...how are you guys doing??"
We get asked that a lot.  I'm so glad people care enough to at least ask, but man, it's a loaded question!  How I personally am doing depends on the day, sometimes the hour, and sometimes even the minute.  But overall, I feel like we have a good grip on our grief so I usually reply with a "we're doing alright".  Every once in a while, I'll respond with a "we're good!" and then I think, "man, our baby just died!  How can we be "good"?"  To be honest, there's a feeling of emptiness that doesn't go away, but it's just a matter of how "front and center" it is in my thoughts to determine my mood overall.  Overall, I feel happy to have had her in our lives, if even for the short moment.  I'm beginning to have a greater faith that this was part of God's plan and there's nothing we could have done to change the outcome.  With that in mind, I can allow myself to focus on the positives, rather than the "negatives" (and who knows...maybe the "negatives" only seem "negative" to us on earth, due to our limited knowledge of the bigger picture).
We went home this weekend to pick up my parent's piano.  While we were there, we went to Emma and Hunter's Birthday parties at the hotel. Logan had a blast swimming, and we were happy to spend more time with family.  And guess what?  There was even an itty bitty baby there... and for the first time, I didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable - at all!  I gushed over her just as I would have before Brynlee was born.  It felt so good.  I started to wonder if it's only uncomfortable when I or the parents of the baby make it so.  Either way, I was still proud of myself.
This morning, we woke up and rushed off to make it back in time for our stake conference meeting, but not before stopping at the cemetary to make a quick visit to see our Brynlee's grave.  Logan thought we should dig her up and take her with us. 
Stake Conference was good.  I was so glad we made it - even if we were a half hour late :/  Anyway, it's always a little hard for me to listen at these meetings because there's so many people and so much going on.  Plus, it's usually harder for Logan to pay attention too because he can't see anything and the folding chairs are just not the same to crawl across and play on as the pews.  So anyway, I was trying to listen to as much as I could and was enjoying the talks.  The last talk given was by the Stake President himself.  He talked about his "prescription" to each one of us in order to live happier and more fulfilled lives. Anyway, near the end of his talk, he said "Life isn't that hard, really....".  These words stood out loud and clear to me.  After he said it, he left a long pause, at which point I was thinking "Really?!?!  Who is this guy??  Where is he going with this?!  Is he just going to dismiss the fact that people suffer with really terrible trials in their lives?"  At that time, it was like I was watching him in slow motion.  I noticed every little expression he made before moving on to say something along the lines of that "God has sent his son, Jesus Christ, to lighten our burdens if we place faith and trust in him.  We can cast our sorrows, our disappointments and our greatest trials on him, and he'll gladly carry them for us"  Wow!  What a recovery!  That's so true!  It made me think about how I often feel guilty for saying we're doing "fine" or "good" lately.  We have not forgotten our sweet baby, but have placed our trials upon the Lord, and he has given us peace... and THIS makes me feel good....not that our baby has died and that our hopes and dreams for raising her on earth have been shattered. 
This realization made me feel such relief.  It was so good to hear, but like I said earlier, my feelings change continuously and as the day has gone on, the empty feeling inside of me has grown... I always know when I need to release my feelings on this blog.  It's such an outlet for me.  It always makes me feel better.  It helps me to know that if I document everything, it will be harder to forget...because often times my whole pregnancy and loss of Brynlee seems more like a bad dream than reality...that is until I do something like pack my maternity swimsuit out of habit (like I did this weekend) or swing by the baby section at Target (which I always have to remind myself I don't need to do anymore).  Those things are hard... hard when I realize how much my life has changed in the past couple of months.

Today's Thoughts

Brynlee,
Today has been a good day - considering... and I owe it all to you.  Up until today, it's been hard for me to focus on anything other than me, myself, my needs, my desires, my wishes, etc.  My thoughts are constantly on my family (more so me), and you in particular.  I think that's normal, but I've been feeling a little selfish lately, so today I recognized an opportunity to serve someone else, and I jumped on it.  Not a huge thing, but Miranda has given so much to us and so when I heard she wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, I immediately offered to take her son Tanner for the afternoon while she went to an appt. and ran some errands.  It made me feel so good to start turning my "selfishness" around.  Apparently your brother recognized the "specialness" too, because on the way to get Tanner he said "Mommy, Jesus is so proud of us for taking Tanner to our house!"  Gosh, I love that boy!  I may have said something similar to that to him in the past, but he actually made the connection and knew we were doing something good for someone else.  Since you came, he has been talking A LOT about Jesus, heaven, and his sister.  It's so wonderful to hear these comments and connections come straight from his mouth.  He talks about how Jesus takes good care of you, how he misses you, and one day he even told me very matter-of-factly "Mommy, you're going to die and go to heaven soon!"  Not sure how I feel about that one... :/  He loves you dearly.  He was (and still is) so excited to be your big brother.  He runs and gets your picture to show everyone who walks in the door saying "Look!  It's my sister Brynlee!"  When he feels sad that you're not physically here with us, he'll go into your crib, pick out a stuffed animal and snuggle it for awhile.  This is what he did when we got home tonight from our ward's fall festival.  He's such a good big brother.  One time tonight, he came up to me and said "Mommy, where is Jessa's mommy?  Jessa's not happy and I can't make her happy"  Then as I went to find Jessa's mommy, I went back to find him back at her carseat, crouched down, rubbing her blankets, rocking her carseat and saying "it's ok Jessa.... it's ok..."  I'm so happy to see him be so tender to other babies.  I just wish you could have witnessed his same love for you on earth.

Also at the fall festival, I got talking to a mom who had her baby just one day before your due date.  To be honest, I didn't know what to expect, as far as how the conversation would go, or how I'd be around her or her baby, but again I really surprised myself!  I was totally fine and happy for her and her sweet, precious baby.  What I thought might hurt just a bit, turned out to be highly therapeutic!  Because you two would have been almost the exact same age, she did remind me of you...but as a good reminder, not a hurtful or jealous one.  You, my dear, are a very unique child of God and there can never be anyone like you.

Upon returning home from tonight's activities, I was filled with an immense gratitude for you and your brother.  Logan and I laid and cuddled for a long time tonight and for the first time since all this happened, I felt a deeper love and appreciation for him than I had before when my mind was always consumed on me and you.  I’m beginning to realize that he’s the reason I’m not a puddle on the floor most of the time.  He needs me to still be a mother to him…to show and share joy with him, to teach him, to support him, and be available and attentive to his needs. He’s a wonderful distraction and helps bring light and happiness back into my days.

Sooo....that brings me to my final point. Below are reasons 1,999, 998 - 2,000,001 that I realized (just today!) that make me so grateful and proud to have you as a member of our family (in addition to the 1,999,997 reasons before this) and are more reminders of the "footprints" you've made without even stepping foot on this earth:

1,999,998- you've helped me realize that although some days my grief can be all consuming, I can still be of service to others, and 99% of the time, I'll be happy I did.

1,999,999- you've helped me recognize that confronting tough situations early on will help me  overcome and bring a peace that would be hard to come by had I not confronted the situation at all.  I keep having to remind myself to conquer my awkward/uncomfortable/tough situations and let them go rather than dwelling on them.  I know that if I decide to dwell on the negatives instead of confronting them, it will soon breed resentment, bad feelings and more guilt.  This is a great reminder for lots of life situations.

2,000,000 - you've helped me tune in to the needs of our family here on earth.  I now see with greater clarity as far as what my family needs from me, and now as I finally start to get a grip on my grief overall, I can be of more service to them and recognize the true blessings they are in my life and shower them with a greater love and appreciation.

2,000,001 - you've instilled in me a greater confidence in myself and my abilities.  I’ve become more genuine I think.  For the first time in a long time (if ever), I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I have so many thoughts and emotions constantly running through my head that I don’t have the time to filter my thoughts and comments for each individual person anymore.  I am who I am, and I’m enjoying not worrying as much about what people think.

I'm so proud of you for making us all better people.  You've encouraged us to trust in the Lord and as we do, the blessings are immeasurable.

Much love!
Mom