A different kind of Christmas

This Christmas was unlike any other Christmas I've ever experienced.  I didn't expect it to be the same, exactly, but my feelings regarding it all really surprised me.  I started thinking about it back in November, when it was the "hot topic" at our PIL group at the hospital.  The counselor's suggestions were to
1.  Have a plan for the holiday events.  And an escape route (just in case)
-and-
2.  Take care of yourself first and foremost, before all else.
Sounded great (especially for those not fond of the family they would be spending the day with, or those who had to face the joyous faces of family members who recently welcomed happy and healthy babies into their family), but I really didn't think I'd have too much of a problem.  I figured we typically have a pretty relaxed and casual family gathering and no other babies to ooh and ahh over this year, so I thought I'd be fine.  I told myself that I was going to focus on what I HAVE been given and blessed with and not dwell over what I DON'T have or what should have been.... which was basically turned out to be easier said than done.
It started in November when the stores all of the sudden "threw up" Christmas.  It really irritated me.  All of it.  This year, Santa was a joke.  Blissful, happy people made me a little angry.  And basically anything resonating "Christmas Spirit" made me want to puke.  Now let me say, I'm not usually such a Scrooge.  I'm usually the first one cranking up Christmas songs in November and can't even wait past Thanksgiving to put up our tree.  But not this year.  This year, I couldn't wait for it to be over. But....despite that, I tried to embrace Christmas in a new way this year.  Besides being focused on shopping, Santa and presents, I found peace in remembering the true meaning of Christmas.  Never before have I been so incredibly moved by the Christmas story.  This year, it was real to me.  First and foremost, I knew that because of the true gift of Jesus's birth, life, death and resurrection, life extends past the grave.  It's because of Jesus that I can find peace in knowing that we can be united again as a family after we've departed this life.  Rather than playing the usual "Jingle Bells" or "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", I flooded our itunes with spiritual Christmas songs, which I played continuously for 6 weeks straight.  It helped me keep my "head in the game."  It was dangerous for me to become distracted and angry.
Why was I so easily angered, upset and such a Scrooge?  I don't know really... like I said, I didn't expect to feel that way, but I think maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought to not think about our sweet Brynlee, and how we would have loved to bundle her up to take her to the relatives, to be swooned over and cuddled by all those who love her.  To think about how things would have been different.  To think about putting her in that cute Christmas dress I so thoughtfully picked out just weeks before she died.
But then I looked at pictures like this:

and I see a glimpse of myself in that picture.  Of any mother, really.  Mary was a very special woman who was given a very important and special responsibility.  Mary bore and gave birth to the greatest gift to mankind, our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Although Mary's situation was one of significant scope, far beyond anything any of us are likely to experience, I still look at this picture and can understand some of the things she was feeling. I see the tenderness in her expression, the awe of the miracle, and the hope for the future.  In some crazy way, I felt like I was able to in a small way, live vicariously though Mary this Christmas.  My arms were empty, but because of that gift in her arms, I knew everything would be ok in the end.  Maybe hard to describe, but it's surely what helped me through all the hustle and bustle of the holidays this year.
Then came the days leading up to Christmas... and an intense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks.  It actually hit me, blindsided, as Logan and I were making up the cookie dough a few days before Christmas to save for Christmas Eve. In no time flat, I was a teary eyed mess, and continued that way for the majority of the weekend. I was sad, but on top of that I was angry, and on top of that, I was frustrated with myself for becoming such a mess.  I wanted to give Logan a good and memorable Christmas experience.  I wanted to be happy - for him.  The whole conflict of emotions led to stress, which added more tears.  By that night, I asked Randy for a blessing, which gave me lots of comfort, enough to at least gain somewhat of a grip on my emotions.
Christmas Eve we snuck away from family for awhile to bring a small live evergreen tree to Brynlee's grave. The weather was unseasonably warm this year, allowing us to be there for some time.  Logan again went to find the largest stick he could find to stand up in the still upturned dirt above her grave. I'm sure people wonder what in the heck it is, or why anyone would stand up a huge branch above a grave, but it's Logan's way of "taking care" of his sister, and it's so sweet to see.  I'm sure her grave will have a stick coming out of it for some time...Logan will make sure of it ;)

In preparing for Christmas this year, I wanted to do things that would help us remember this year, and Brynlee in particular, so first and foremost, we got her some ornaments for the tree.

These are some porcelain booties I found at the general store, that I had personalized, just for her.

 this is an ornament we made at our December group meeting, complete with a note from each of us to Brynlee tucked inside :)

And lastly, an adorable angel ornament that my team at work got me as part of my Christmas gift.
Next, after much thought and deliberation about whether or not to get Brynlee a stocking this year, and if we do, what kind of one would be appropriate, etc...... I finally just ordered one from Company Kids, complete with her name embriodered on the top.  The image on the stocking when I ordered it said it was a fairy, but I thought it looked rather "angelish" too.  And this is what we did with it:

We each wrote on a strip of paper something we vow to work on this year or do to make us better people, mostly as a result of the feelings we receive(d) from having Brynlee in our family.  We'll do this each year, and each Christmas Day, we'll read again our promises from the year before, evaluate, and then write new.  I think this will be a great way to recognize Brynlee's continual presence in our lives.

And we made it.  A Christmas that was anticipated for months to come, as one filled with excitement and joy, but instead upturned and scattered just months before, and the learning and enlightenment that we found through it all.