Hard days...

Brynlee,
I've been so strong for almost 8 weeks now, but the past few days have really gotten the best of me.  They really stunk actually.  I miss you dearly.  Not long ago, I could keep my composure if I felt a tug on my heart, but lately it's been so hard.  Everything reminds me of you.  I think about you constantly, which compromises my ability to remember other things.  Just the other day, your brother Logan and I were going to run errands and I went back in the house to get something I forgot FIVE times... and I still forgot something, but decided our neighbors would start to seriously worry about me if I drove by one more time.  But you know what?  I'm happy to focus all my thoughts on you... for now anyways.  I feel too vulnerable when I leave the comfort and security of our home.  I never know who I'll run into, what looks I'll get, what feelings I'll have...etc. etc. etc.  Today I watched our video from in the hospital again.  What I'd give to just be able to hold your body again, or feel you wiggle around inside of me.  Even though I know time will heal the sorrow some, I don't want the memories of our time together to fade as well.
Anyway, your brother just woke up from him nap.  We love you!!

Mom

Update on Life

Now 5 weeks since Brynlee's services, life is starting to take on a new normal.  Here's what's been happening:
Leah's work - I took a 3 week break from work after Brynlee was born. Going back was hard.  One of the hardest things for me to get back into.  Work really reminds me of Brynlee.  Maybe it's because it was the time I was most still (yet awake)?  Most of her major movements I remember happening at work.  It was much easier to pay attention when I wasn't constantly chasing after a moving toddler.  Work also was hard because that's what I was doing the two days leading up to finding out she was gone.  When I returned, it was hard to find my notes and work that I was doing before I left.  "If only I knew..." was a recurrent thought those first few days back at work.
Randy's work - Randy took 1 full week off, then worked 1 week of half-days just to transition back.  Since going back, he's modified his schedule some to allow more time at home.  He now works a couple hours from home in the morning before going in at his usual time.  This now allows him to return home earlier in the evening and Logan and I are loving the extra time with him!
Many New Friends -  Through the Missing Grace girls, we've met Lindsey at the Star Legacy Foundation, which invited us to the Stillbirth Summit which was held in Minneapolis Oct. 6-8.  At that event, we met researches from across the world as well as Dr. Collins and many other people making a difference in the world of stillbirths to raise awareness and support families who have experienced (or are experiencing) the loss of a child due to stillbirth.  I have a great interest in the work these organizations are doing and plan to stay in touch with many of them and possibly become more involved when I feel ready...
We also attended our first pregnancy loss group meeting this month.  My heart aches for these other families, as many of them haven't had the support we've been blessed with and only want someone to listen.  Situations such as ours make people uncomfortable, and unfortunately leave these families feeling completely alone.  No one wants to talk about it.  No one wants to make them sad.  No one wants to say the wrong thing.  But for most mothers such as myself, we WANT to talk about it.  We want to remember our babies.... Hence this blog :)
Information Overload on What Went Wrong - This has definitely been interesting.  I've learned a lot about health care and all the accompanying politics.  A lot of it is completely unfair.  If I start to go into details, I'll never stop.  All I'll say is that umbilical cord accidents CAN be prevented.  It just takes the doctors, the researchers, and the mommas all being on the same page.  Warning signs I wish I knew before: (I experienced them all!)
1.  Excessive duration and episodes of hiccups.
2.  Increased or decreased movement patterns.  Know what's "normal" for your baby.  I (and many moms with cord issues) experience hyperactive movement followed by decreased movement. 
3.  A "gut feeling" that something is wrong.  I went wrong on two accounts regarding this.  First of all, I trusted my entire pregnancy to the doctors.  When they said I was fine when I was worried, I believed them 100% and dismissed my gut.  Secondly, I think I dismissed my gut feeling because I was in complete denial.  "Rare things don't happen to me" I thought.  Boy did I learn my lesson...

Getting back into "life" definitely isn't easy.  I miss my baby every day, and the bills never stop arriving in our mailbox, but each day is getting easier - slowly but surely.

Welcome to the Family

Brynlee,
It's now six weeks past the day you were born and I want you to know how much you mean to us.  We were eagerly awaiting your arrival before we knew your circumstance and couldn't wait to take you home and welcome you into our family.  Although we had our plans, God also had his.  I've seen God's hand in many things relating our recent events and know that he had (and has) a plan for you as well as each of us.  I've accepted that His plan didn't include you being fully born on this earth - you didn't need that, but instead to gain a body and make an impact in our lives.  And that amazes me - the impact you've made in my life, your daddys life, your brother Logan's life, and so many more lives around us.  You've brought a special piece of heaven and God's spirit to us when you came and it could be felt by many.  You've passed that special spirit on to your dad and I and that is what has carried us through all of this.  It's a spirit that never existed in our lives before.  That spirit is what has allowed us to see the bigger picture.  That is what has caused change in our lives.  That is what has given us strength.  Undoubtedly, that special spirit came when you were born and still lingers with us to this day... and that gives me immeasurable peace.
You're a part of our family.  Some people may argue it or try to dispute it, but I know it's true.  We'll see you again some day and our family will be together forever.  I'll be sure of it. But, because we don't know when that day will come, I want you to know of our immense love for you. I'm sure you see it.  And maybe you can even feel it.  I sure hope so.  I'm so proud of you for being such an important and faithful servant of our Lord.  You've definitely raised the bar for the rest of us and we'll work harder than we ever have here on earth to ensure that we, together as a family, can reunite and reside for all eternity in the presence of God.  Until then, I know you're busy up there.  Continue to do that which is good.  If there's anything I learned about your personality while you were inside my womb is that you're a go-getter.  You have a lot of spunk and enthusiasm.  Use it for good.

Love for always,
Mom

Brynlee's Day - part 2

Soon each car filed onto the road and followed each other to the church for Brynlee's services.  When we arrived, Randy and my dad took Brynlee in to the Relief Society Room.  I really didn't know what to expect as I had never been to nor planned anything like that (the services) before.  Plus, I was wondering how it would turn out since I gave such little direction at our "planning meeting" on Sunday.

Soon people started to arrive... and they kept coming!  I was amazed at all the people who showed up!  Soon the room was filled with friends from both the Plymouth and Waconia wards, co-workers, and friends.  Usually something like this would make me really uncomfortable, but I felt completely at ease.  I was happy and proud to show off my beautiful baby girl.  Randy and I later commented that it was like a sick kind of baby shower...we were happy and proud of our baby girl who was so tragically and unfairly taken from us.
Before I knew it, it was time for our program.  Because we had outgrown the size of the Relief Society room, we all filtered into the chapel.  Just like that, we had someone playing organ and someone directing music... things I realized I had never even considered, but was grateful for whoever thought to arrange it. We all sat down and our opening song was "I am a Child of God", followed by an opening prayer, Miranda and Bishops remarks, and finally closing prayer.  As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about all the people that were there to support our family.  I was very grateful that we could share such tender moments with some of our most dear friends.  It was then time to leave.  Randy and my dad walked Brynlee out and straight into the car.  The Relief Society had thought of everything and even had bagged lunches for each of us to eat on our way to Sacred Heart.  Again I was so grateful for people realizing what we needed before I even realized it myself.
It's about 1.5 hours from Waconia to Sacred Heart so as we drove, I tried to soak up the moment as I knew we didn't have long before our sweet Brynlee's body would be buried. I again didn't want to forget anything, so I dug out paper and a pen to try and remember and write down everything that was said during the program. 

When we got to the cemetery, everybody was already there.  The small, private graveside service consisted of a few remarks by Pastor Dale (who married Randy and I) and Bishop Pratt.  Kris then sang a song that we had chosen and Randy dedicated the grave.  After all was said and done, we all released balloons - all pink and 3 white for Randy, Logan and I.  It was such a neat thing to watch them catch the breeze and float up in the sky until they were no longer in sight.  I wondered where they'd end up and if Brynlee was able to see them.  I hope she could.  I felt like everything we were doing that day was not only for us, but for her.  I wanted it to be a sweet honor and remembrance of her.  And I think it all turned out perfectly.  The only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been to not have had to do it at all, and instead have a happy and healthy baby Brynlee in my arms...
 After we left the cemetary, we all went to my grandma's for a light dinner and to open cards. 
We then returned back to our own home back in the cities.  But not before visiting Brynlee's grave once more. By that time, the dirt was packed in and all that was left to signify our baby's spot was a name marker made by Kris, and the floral spray from her casket.  As we left for home, the sun was just starting to set.  The temperature was also starting to drop, and with it went my stomach.  I had stayed strong for a good majority of the day, but as we drove away, I started to feel sick as I thought about never being able to feel as physically near to my baby as I had been those past few days.  I hated to think of her body going into the cold ground, as winter was just around the corner.  I hated to think of moving on in my life here on earth without my baby girl.  All in all, I hated the circumstance and it made me sick.

Brynlee's Day - Part 1

The time in between the time we left the hospital and held Brynlee's services were filled with all sorts of emotions. I felt sorrow and emptiness over not having our baby girl with us.  I felt guilt if my mind would wander from her for even just a moment.  I didn't want to forget her.  I felt gratitude for the peace and understanding we'd been given from God.  I felt deeply loved by family, friends and ward members.  Many of them knew our needs even before we did. Meals, phone calls, texts and emails rolled in as people heard the news. It was hard to respond to each person individually, but we felt deeply humbled by their compassion and service.
We arrived home from the hospital late Friday night.  Saturday we woke up and went to make arrangements at the funeral home.  They said they had picked up our sweet Brynlee's body and had it there.  We talked about arrangements for the day of her burial and were shown her casket.  It felt so surreal.  I couldn't believe we were talking about caskets and burial plots...we were too young to have to do this on our own!  I knew NOTHING about how this was all supposed to go!  Luckily we had Randy's mom there for support.  At this meeting, we figured we'd just do a small graveside service for our immediate families.  Brynlee was closest to us, we figured.  No one else had ever met her or gotten to know her, so we thought just a small service would be suffice.  We also discussed the possibility of transporting her body back to Sacred Heart ourselves, which they were open to allowing us to do. After our visit at the funeral home, we had a very active boy who became very restless during our meeting, so we decided to drive over to a nearby park to let him run off some of his energy and spend time together as a family.  Well it was kind of time together....I spent most of the time returning phone calls...
Anyway, after the park we decided to swing by Applebees for lunch before heading home.  It sounded like something to get our mind off of things for awhile, but I don't think we were quite up for an outing yet.  There wasn't too much conversation at our table, except for more demands for Logan to settle down and behave. I felt very vulnerable as I still appeared pregnant.  I avoided eye contact with every person I saw, hoping that no one would congratulate me on being pregnant.  "At least most other new moms have a baby in tow, thereby completing the story, but for me... I just still looked pregnant" I thought.  Soon Logan's energy level went off the charts again and I ended up taking him to a "time-out" away from the table.  As I set him near the entrance door, he was in a full out tantrum. Right there I lost it.  I just wanted to hold my living child tight and tell him I love him, but he was in no mood for that.  I tried to hold back the frustration and tears welling up inside me, but couldn't control them much longer.  I cried because I knew the confusion this was causing in Logan.  I cried because I didn't feel like I was mentally able to deal with a defiant toddler in the condition I was in.  I cried because I missed my baby, and I knew there was nothing I could do to get her back while on this earth.
When we got home, we were happy to just relax within the safe walls of our home.  I felt like I had enough of being in the world.  I was happy sheltering myself at home, I realized.
The rest of Saturday was pretty lazy.  We watched some movies and even tried to take a nap while Coralee watched Logan, but Randy and I ended up in deep conversation, and never got the opportunity to nap before we thought we had better go spend some more time with Logan.  Late Saturday evening as we were talking to friends and returning phone calls, we could tell people had a lot of questions about whether we were planning services for Brynlee.  It caught me off guard... why would anyone want to come to say goodbye to a baby they had never met, I wondered...but as I thought about it, I realized that people wanted to come and support US.  Randy and I then talked about and decided we'd add a short memorial service on Tuesday at the chapel before heading to the Sacred Heart cemetary.  This we figured would be our invitation to others to come and talk with us.  I was happy we made this decision and was happy to have the opportunity to share her openly with our friends.
On Sunday we had Bishop Pratt and the Relief Society President over to first of all, to help bring us the sacrament.  I have never received the sacrament at home before, but after eating the bread, I felt Brynlee closer than I had since leaving the hospital.  It was such a comfort to me.  Next we talked about and made plans for the services to be held at the church.  I was so emotionally drained by this point and I again didn't have much of an opinion on anything.  I wanted it to be "nice" but beyond that, It was so hard for me to concern myself with the details such as "what time...10:00?  11:00?  Will we have enough time to get from the funeral home to the chapel?  Or from the chapel to Sacred Heart?" etc. etc. etc.  Finally, I told them I couldn't think about it anymore.  I knew these were decisions that had to be made in order to make the day flow properly, but all I cared about was my baby...and how much I missed her. Nothing else seemed to matter.
Monday we ran lots of errands.  We printed pictures, got things in order to display at her services, and visited the Missing Grace center in Rogers to pick up our photos and video.  We only anticipated being there an hour or so, but ended up staying for over 3 hours!  It was great talking to Candy again, watching our video and touring the center.  It's amazing everything that has come out of Candy's experience with her baby girl, Grace.  I couldn't help but selfishly feel grateful for her experience so that I could gain strength from her!
Finally it was the day of Brynlee's memorial and burial - Tuesday, September 13.  We woke up early that morning.  We decided that we all were going to write letters to be buried with Brynlee, so the first thing I did that day was get started on mine (while the house was still quiet).  I wrote and wrote and wrote and told her all about my love for her and my thoughts and feelings at the moment.  I didn't want to stop writing.  I felt like she was near me, listening somehow, when I was writing...  Eventually, I realized I needed to move on with getting ready for the day.  I got up and did just that.  My parents were back again by then and all I remember as I was getting ready was the silence.  I kept telling everyone to quit being so quiet!  I wanted the day to be a positive one, not one filled with lots of sadness...
Anyway, eventually it was time to go pick up our Brynlee from the funeral home.  The day was sunny and bright...I'm so grateful it was.  It seemed to help brighten my mood.  On our way, I again was noticing people going about their day to day business.  Didn't they know this was my baby's day??  I felt like everyone should be honoring my baby that day...
Soon we got to the funeral home and we all funneled inside.  It was Bishop Pratt, Miranda, my mom and dad,  Randy's mom Coralee, and Randy, Logan and I.  They had Brynlee in her casket at the front of a small chapel.  She looked so peaceful.  The funeral home did a great job making her look natural.  They put some make-up on her eye to cover up the skin tear, but didn't overdo it to make her look too fake. Her face had filled out some and I was happy to see that.  I think she had lost some weight before she died and she therefore had a thinner look than she would have, had she been born healthy.  I felt like the fullness in her face at that time might have been more like her usual shape....she definitely looked like a Mahlum more than she ever had before!
We all took our turns putting in the items we had brought.  Logan had made a picture for his sister that morning that spelled out "Brynlee" and "Sister" in foam letters, complete with pictures of Blue (my parents dog that recently died), Brynlee and Logan.  He also decided to give his sister his train "Lady" which he had picked out earlier that morning just for her.  He must have known right away which train he wanted to give her, becuause he picked it up without any hesitation.  "Lady" is I think one of the only female trains in the Thomas collection. Randy, my mom and Coralee put in their letters.  I put in my letter and a small bracelet for Brynlee that my friend Katy had made, that has a matching portion that I wear.  My dad put in a small guitar...one just like the one he gave Logan shortly after he was born.  Miranda then gave us two blankets handmade by her and two other friends, Erin and Catherine.  They were perfect!  We tucked one in around Brynlee and kept one for ourselves.  On the corner of each one it was stitched with the words, "Brynlee Faith Petersen, September 9, 2011". I was so happy to see her wrapped up snugly in so many blankets...it somehow made me feel better to know she'd be warm.
Logan then wanted a peek at his sister.  It was the sweetest thing.  He was stroking the blankets around her and looked at her lovingly.  He then asked "Will she wake up?"  Reluctantly, we told him "nope buddy... she won't wake up..."  What a tough concept for such a little guy...
We then said a family prayer and each had a moment to say goodbye before the casket was closed.  As we left, I was definitely sad, but remember feeling "lighter" when we left the funeral home.  It felt so good to be with her again and take her with us to the church and eventually home to her burial spot.  We didn't know if this would be as therapeutic for Logan though.  To him, she was supposed to be riding in a car seat, not a coffin.  So we sent him to ride with my parents as we took Brynlee.  We joked about the fact that she even got to ride shotgun...  something very few babies are given the opportunity to do.

Our Story - Part 2

When Kristi from Missing Grace (www.missinggrace.org) came, we didn't know what to expect.  The nurses mentioned something about an organization that the hospital is contracted with, but I really didn't know what that meant.  Either way, I was surprised to have someone come "visit" at midnight!  She explained who they are and what they do.  Kristi explained her story about losing her son Aiden at 38 weeks due to a cord accident and about her experience with the Missing Grace volunteers that helped her.  She even delivered Aiden in the room we were in!  She explained that if we were comfortable with it, they would be there to take pictures, video and memorbilia.  I thought it was a little strange, but Randy and I decided that we don't want to have any regrets and so we'd be open to anything and then if we decide we want to put the pictures or video away to not be seen again in the near future, at least we knew we had them if we wanted them.  We discussed our fears of seeing our baby.  We didn't know what condition she'd be in... would the image of her in my mind make the grief harder?  I didn't think I could handle seeing my baby's lifeless body at all, much less in a less than perfect state.  She showed us pictures of other stillborn babies and her own pictures of Aiden.

We then took pregnancy pictures.  I have to admit, It was a little weird, but now I'm so glad we took them.  It felt weird to be taking pictures of my belly when I was in such a sad state emotionally. It was so odd that the only thing I could do was smile...awkwardly.  Before Kristi left she said she'd return when labor progressed and would be there for the birth if we were ok with that...  at that point I could have cared less.  I didn't have an opinion on anything anymore.
After she left we tried to get some rest.  I was able to sleep until about 2:30 at which point I called the nurse to get some drugs.  One thing Kristi mentioned is that although I'd like every drug under the sun, she suggested we try and go without an epidural, just so we could be up and moving around with our baby as soon as she was born. And so I tried... we started with the iv drugs.  I don't remember the name of the drug, but what I do know is that it made me extremely dizzy... I have a very little tolerance for drugs, so although I could technically take double the dosage (since there was no harm to the baby), we decided to not go with the full dose, just so it wouldn't make me too loopy....and honestly, it only took the very edge off the pain, but I was going to TRY and stick it out. I was then able to sleep a while longer until about 4:00, at which point I asked for more of the same med.  The pain was getting pretty intense but wasn't about to get the epidural yet.  I actually liked trying to stick it out...it felt good to not have any of the side effects of the epidural.  By then, I was past the point of being able to sleep so I tried to catch some early morning news.  It was going to be sunny and in the 70s that day.  Around 8:00 the nurse checked me and I was stalled out at a 1.  The pain was getting more intense but not unbearable yet....but I was only at a 1.  I didn't think I'd have enough energy to get me to a 10, so I finally decided to go with the epidural.  Right as the anesthesiologist was doing his thing, my doctor arrived.  She decided to break my water to get things moving.  After doing so, she checked me again, and I was already a very strong 3!  I guess I just needed to relax...
I won't get into the gory details of the delivery, but it was so unlike having a live birth.  Around 11:00, I started to feel our baby make her way out.  I had Randy go get the nurse as I was sure she was coming... but no one was in any sort of a hurry.  The nurse came in, took a look and said "yep, she's coming..." then covered me back up with the blanket and went to call the doctor and Missing Grace.  Everyone seemed to arrive at the same time.  By the time they did, our precious girl was already half born.  Just one small push later, she was "officially" born at 11:07 am on September 9, 2011.  The room was quiet.  No people rushing around.  No cheers. No cry.  Just soft voices saying "poor baby..." or "ohh sweetie".  When she was born we realized the reason she died.  The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times.  Neither the nurse, Kristi, or doctor had seen a cord wrapped so many times. I layed there and cried with my head in my hands for a long while after she was born.  It was too much to digest all at once.

They took her and got her all cleaned up and swaddled before showing her to me, at my own request.  I wanted to see her at her best.  However, after they placed her in my arms, my heart exploded with love... just as it had when Logan was born.  She was ours... and she was beautiful!  She looked just like her big brother!  She did have a few skin tears on her face, but I could have cared less.  I saw her for who she was.  I wanted to examine her whole body and get to know my sweet baby so I unwrapped her slowly, examining her hands, fingernails, legs, feet and toes.  By then, two other Missing Grace volunteers were there and they coddled all over her as if she were their own.  They got her dressed in an outfit and hat handmade by volunteers.  It meant the world to have them treat her as if she were their own.  I knew that they "got it".  They understood... and that made a world of difference.  Because of them, my fears over the unknown diminished and my love for my daughter grew.  They fluttered around taking pictures of her from all sides, hand and foot prints, and molds.  Around that time our friend Miranda came for a visit.  As I said, she also lost a son and it felt so good to share our daughter with her, and she held her and looked at her as only a mother who truly understood would!  What a good feeling that gave me!

It was then that Kristi showed us her video Missing Grace made for her.  It's the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen and goes to show what an amazing organization Missing Grace is!  Get your tissues ready and check out her video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmGGtGJt5go.  As we're watching this video, I'm sobbing and watching Miranda rock Brynlee with such gentleness.  I was so grateful for this precious child.  I then noticed that her skin tears were drying out and I knew our time with her was limited.  It was then that I panicked.  The epidural had just worn off and I wanted up.  I wanted to get dressed.  I wanted out of the bed and I wanted my baby.  I couldn't wait another second.
The nurse helped me up and dressed and then to the rocking chair.  I asked Miranda for my baby and was able to put her up on my shoulder with her head against my cheek, and I lost it.  I felt so close to her, yet so far away at the same time.  I held her and didn't want to let her go.  What I expected to be the worst moment of my life became the most cherished.

Soon it was time to name her.  Most of the names we had chosen for our girl didn't seem to fit anymore, but there was one that fit perfectly....Brynlee.  Then we needed a middle name, which we hadn't even thought about yet.  I liked something with some meaning such as faith or hope or grace.  We decided to poll the "audience" and after going back and forth for awhile, we finally decided on "Faith".  After all, that's the only thing that would get us through this.  I figured we'd need the reminder.  And so it was... Brynlee Faith Petersen... our precious little angel.

Soon after, Logan arrived with my mom.  We attempted a family picture, but Logan was a little concerned about Brynlee's skin tear on her eye, so we decided not to force him into something he didn't feel comfortable with.  He was much more comfortable just being there, watching cartoons from the chair.  Eventually though, he gave his sweet baby sister a kiss on the head.  It was a great thing for us to see...
Soon, everyone left and we were allowed some time alone with our baby.  We wrapped her tightly and all climbed up on the bed together.  We layed there, feeling her body close to ours. We inspected every feature on her face, trying to lock everything into our memory so we'd never forget.  That time together was much needed by that point and very therapeutic.
After that, we tried to eat a bit of what they brought for dinner.  We put Brynlee under the warmer, but it kept beeping, telling us to "Check Baby".  I think she was fine...  I think they need an override on those machines for babys that aren't supposed to move.
We were waiting for Randy's mom to arrive sometime around 10 pm, then do a name and a blessing, and then say goodbye.  And we did just that.  The blessing was beautiful and Randy did such a good job.  Bishop Pratt returned to help with it, and we were grateful he was able to be there. Then it was time to say goodbye.  I can't believe how my perception changed about the experience from the moment we were admitted to the time we were discharged.  We had 12 wonderful and meaningful hours with her and lots of mementos, but now "goodbye" was the hardest part I was dreading.

The nurse came and brought a basket to put her in, so we bundled her up, placed her in the basket, and left her in the nurses arms.  Walking out the doors of the OB unit and eventually out the big front sliding doors, I again was brought back to our hospital tour.  We were leaving without a baby.  How unfair is that??  I was, however, grateful for the very special time we had with our baby.  I was grateful that our experience was much more positive than negative (as we thought it would be when we were first admitted).  I was proud of my baby girl and I was proud of my eternal family.  My arms were empty, but my heart was full.

Our Story - part 1

Wow.  It's been a good long while since posting on our blog.  I don't know why... I suppose partly because things got busy... and partly because the world of facebook took over.  But this time, I return with not the intention of "filling others in" on the day to day events in the Petersen household (which I'm sure will happen through the process), but ultimately I'm back to hold myself accountable to journaling.  A lot has happened over the last couple months that I don't want to forget.  So, before too much time passes, and the memories begin to fade, I want to write my little heart out.

P.s.  Because I write for myself, I will go through a lot of details and hope to tell it like it is.  Please be respectful of this.  Oh, and some posts will be LONG because of it :)

The story starts like this:
Early Feb 2010, Randy and I first found out we were expecting our second child.  Really, just three words summed it up: "It's About Time!".  In fact it was me that was holding things up, as I wanted to "get our life in order" before trying for another.  Anyway, shortly after Logan's 2nd Birthday, I had the feeling I was ready.  In just a couple months, we would be moving to a home we adored and Randy was being hired for a more satisfying and stable job.  Things were looking up.  When we found out we were also pregnant just a few months later, we were extremely excited!  Heavenly Father just answered all our prayers that we had been praying about for many many months, all at once!  It was a great lesson to us in trusting in the Lord, and being patient for blessings.  Everything seemed to be working out wonderfully!
The pregnancy was also great.  Much like Logan's, actually.  All in all, it was pretty easy besides the usual heartburn and dizzy spells that I also got with Logan.  One frustrating thing, however, was that the sonographer at our clinic kept getting readings that our baby was small.  The first time this happened was at our 20 week ultrasound.  20 week ultrasounds are supposed to be one of the best points in your pregnancy, right??  How fun to find out the gender of you baby...right??!  Well, we got the wonderful news that our baby was a "she", but also got dealt the news that two of her measurements were only in the single digit percentiles and our doctor was recommending us go have a Level 2 ultrasound done to confirm their numbers.  I. was. devastated.  It was awful!  I was not expecting bad news (even questionable news!) at all!  Anyway, we scheduled it as soon as we could since I felt like I couldn't wait another moment... I just needed to know that my baby was ok.  And so we went later that week to have the Level 2.  We were pretty nervous, as this day could determine our baby's future, we thought.  We said a quick prayer and went inside.  As they were performing the ultrasound, they kept calling out the things they were seeing, and always ended each statement with a positive note such as "Looks good!"  Each positive comment they made was music to my ears.  After they were finished, they told us everything was great and that their measurements were right on track - all of them in the 40ish percentile!  They did however, note a two vessel umbilical cord and therefore wanted to play things safe since there's a couple cases of holes in the heart on Randy's side of the family, and therefore referred us to have a heart echo done, since two vessel cords can potentially affect how the heart is developed.  "Well, you win some, you lose some, I thought..."  Two vessel cords occur in only 1% of pregnancies and besides affect the way a couple major organs are developed, it can possibly result in slower growth in the third trimester.  "I can deal with a smaller baby or even a baby that may require surgery after birth" I thought, "As long as my baby is generally healthy, then I'm happy".

So the pregnancy continued.  We did go in for the heart echo and it only confirmed how perfectly normal her heart had developed and we therefore had nothing to worry about as far as the cord affecting organ development.  At about 28 weeks, my doctor decided to again have another ultrasound, just to check her growth (which was recommended by the perionatologists as a precautionary thing) and so we scheduled an ultrasound with the clinic's sonographer again (which told us the measurements were again small!) which brought us back for another Level 2, from which they AGAIN told us that our baby looked perfectly normal and was growing like any normal baby.  Little did we know that this last Level 2 ultrasound on August 11, 2011, would be the last time we'd see our sweet baby alive.  Just a few weeks after that appointment, our baby's movements went from typical to very strong, forceful and rapid.  I noted it to my doctor at my 33 week appointment, saying "she's a fighter" and "I don't remember Logan EVER moving like this!"  She didn't make it seem out of the ordinary and I just thought she must be strong and healthy, and it must be an indicator of her personality...  However, just a few days after that appointment, I noticed that her movements went from strong and forceful, to slow and weak.  I gave it a day or so to see if they resumed back to normal, but they didn't. I woke up that Friday morning very worried.  I waited by the phone until the clinic opened at 8 am.  I think I called them at 8:01.  I left a message for a nurse to return my call as soon as possible.  When they finally called 45 minutes later, I mentioned that I had been laying there for about 45 mins and hadn't felt any strong kicks, but have since gotten up to play with my son, thinking that she must be sleeping and that maybe if I moved around some, she'd wake up.  The nurse on the nurseline then told me that I wasn't counting kicks correctly and that I needed to lay there for an entire hour AFTER having a good breakfast and lots of water.  (Oh great, now I needed to start over?!  Does it mean anything that I'm just worried that her movement pattern changed??  I guess not.)  When I mentioned that I was still worried, she said I could come in if I really wanted to for the peace of mind since it was a Friday.  I quickly got ready and headed to the clinic.  Upon arriving, I checked in and waited...and waited...and waited.  After 45 minutes of waiting, I asked the receptionist if it was getting close to my turn.  She said she'd have a nurse get the room ready...  (what?!  did they even know I was there?!?)  While waiting for them to get it ready, I got to thinking about her movements which I had actively been paying attention to the whole while during waiting and thought "Usually in a situation like this, I'd be worried sick at home, then get into the clinic and THEN notice all the movements and kicks"  That's just the way it usually goes.  But not this time.  I felt her move a few times, but still not very much.
Soon, they took me into the room, brushed off the machine, got it hooked up, and put the belts around my belly.  Immediately, I heard the strong galloping sound of her heartbeat.  They had the volume up pretty loud, and it was extremely distracting.  Still to this day, the sound of her heartbeat that day is engrained in my brain.  It was so distracting that I found it hard to pay attention to her movements enough to hit the button when I felt her move.  About 10 minutes went by and I still had not felt a movement.  "They're going to think I'm lying," I thought.  The doctor (not my usual doctor) came in, took a look at the printout and said it's not exactly what he'd like to see, but suggested they get me some juice and that I lie on my side and they'll keep monitoring.  As I layed there, I studied the printout, trying to figure out how to interpret it.  Soon I felt my little girl.  She was there and started moving around more.  But still, some movements were hard to catch.  I had to be paying close attention to notice them at all. After another 15 minutes or so, the doc came back in, looked at the printout, shut off the machine, and said that things look good and I was ok to go home.  He said that I was getting closer to the end of my pregnancy, and things get tighter in there, allowing less room for baby to move.  I felt like he was missing the point.  I again stressed the point that "it's not that I don't feel her.  I just don't feel her like I used to."  He discussed counting at least 5 kicks in an hour and sent me home.
After that, things got busy.  It was Labor Day weekend and we were busy nearly every day since that appointment.  The last few days before my next appointment were filled with the state fair and extremely busy work days.  My appointments usually fell on Mondays, but because Monday was a holiday, we scheduled my appointment for that week on Thursday, since I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Wednesday was a weird day.  A co-worker had unexpectedly passed away and Wednesday was the day of his funeral.  And because I knew I'd be gone for that, I went in to the office early to get a head start on the days work. After the funeral, I went back to the office and ended up working until about 9:30 that night (which is totally unusual for me) to get everything squared away at work.  That whole day (and for a couple days prior) I just wasn't feeling normal.  I had a naseous feeling similar to my version of morning sickness, and was having more persistent contractions than I had been having.  In a way, I wondered if I'd be having our baby early... I know that with Logan I was in the hospital the day before I went into labor with decreased movements too, which I heard was normal as the baby gets ready for it's big debut.  That Wednesday night, after coming home late from work, I had a major contraction before going to bed.  I remember telling Randy to feel my belly, which was hard as a rock at the time. "Food for thought at tomorrow's appointment" I figured.
The next morning I had the hardest time waking up.  I was exhausted.  I took a shower and thew on the most comfortable clothes I owned. (picture to the left is one that Logan snapped with our camera that morning...) I still wasn't feeling the best but got Logan ready and we were on our way... We ended up going to the Eden Prairie office this time to see my doctor since she wasn't at our usual clinic on Thursdays.  I was 35 weeks to the day that day. They brought us to our room and my doctor soon came in.  She flipped through my chart and noted that she saw I had been in for a non-stress test  and asked how I was feeling now.  She said "I'll hook you up right here and now if you're still not comfortable with how she's moving."  I was SO in denial.  I told her that the other doc said I was fine and had accepted that, but maybe we could get hooked up after the rest of the appointment.  She agreed and grabbed the doppler to listen to baby's heartbeat.  She had a hard time finding it and asked if I was feeling her move.  I told her that I felt her up high earlier that morning (which I now know was just pressure, not movement).  She finally picked up on a beat, but it was really soft sounding.  I asked if it was normal to be that faint sounding, but I don't even remember what she said.  Before I knew it, she was requesting an ultrasound right then and there and I was left to wait.  The weirdest thing was that I was pretty calm and not anticipating the news we were about to get AT ALL (which I have a theory on and will talk about later).  The sonographer (this time the Eden Prairie clinic's) soon came and got me.  I crawled up on the table and she started out high on my belly.  First thing she saw was her head and said "uh oh... that's not good... her head is up!"  She then moved the doppler down only for a split second and then draped the doppler over my belly and was basically out the door as she muttered something about my doctor wanting to be there to watch...  It wasn't until the second or two before they came back, that it hit me that the situation wasn't good.  I desperately said the quickest little prayer in my head, pleading with Heavenly Father that it would all be ok. After they returned, they whispered a few things as we all sat there looking at the screen.  Then, the worst words were said... my doctor turned to me and said "I'm sorry - I'm going to try and say this without crying..." as her eyes welled up with tears.  She didn't need to say another word.  I knew.  I cried out.  I wanted it to just be a bad dream.  I wanted to take it all back and do it over.  I wanted to have my little girl...  Poor little Logan was there watching Little Einsteins on the ipod and looked up with the most innocent expression, saying "Mommy, what happened?"  I didn't have the heart to tell him.  My doctor and the sonographer both hugged me and tried to comfort me.  All I remember is that I kept replaying the past few days in my head.  "But I just had a NST test and the doc said we were fine!" and  "We were supposed to have our appt. on Monday...if we would have, we could have saved her!"  I was seriously sick.  This couldn't be happening!  Things like this don't happen to me!  I'm in no way prepared for this!
They escorted me back to my room while they called Randy and told him to come as soon as possible. "Will he know what happened?"  "Does he remember I'm at the Eden Prairie Clinic?" I still felt like I was dreaming. I just sat and held Logan in my lap, watching his movie as I tried to hold myself together for his sake. It made me even sicker to think about carrying a baby that was not alive.  "How could I possibly deliver her?"  I didn't think I could mentally handle that.
Soon Randy arrived.  They let him in the room and quickly whisked Logan away to the nurses station so we could talk. I could tell in Randy's eyes that he knew.  We sat and cried.  I reeled over and over the past few days in my mind, trying to make sense of it all.  I told him how scared I was and in that room we decided to say a prayer.  I have no idea what was said, but it made me feel better.  My doctor soon returned and we talked about options.  She said I either had the option to deliver right away, or go home and digest the news, and then schedule a delivery in a couple of days.  I knew right away I wanted to get it done and over with.  It was a really weird feeling to be so excited about my growing belly and then when I knew she was gone, my belly felt "different".  It wasn't like I knew it to be....  I told my doc that I didn't know how I was emotionally going to get through the delivery.  The only way a mother handles childbirth is to have a baby in her arms when all is said and done... I asked for a C-section.  I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up when it was over, but she talked me out of that, saying it only complicated future pregnancies.  I finally said "ok then. But I'm asking for every drug there is!"
We decided to leave one car at the clinic and drive home together.  I was scheduled to go in to the hospital at 7pm that night.  Logan fell asleep on the way home.  I remember looking at him and realizing how peaceful he looked.  It saddened me to think of how this event was going to change him forever.  I wanted to shelter him from everything. I don't think we told him his sister "died" until after his nap.  I needed time to muster up the courage and think about how to explain things in terms he could understand and accept.  While he slept, Randy and I made our phone calls.  We each called our moms first.  I then called work, and then my friend, Miranda, who also experienced the loss of their baby, Austin, at 24 weeks.  I told her I didn't know what to do and so any advice would be helpful.
When we got home, we put Logan to bed and I layed on the couch and tried to sleep through all the sobbing.  My phone kept dinging with texts from Miranda regarding what to bring to the hospital (a camera, an outfit, etc.).  I finally fell asleep for a short while.  When I woke up, my parents had arrived and I was feeling some better, despite the fact that I was downright depressed.  I didn't want to move from the couch at all.  Randy did all of our packing.  I couldn't even bring myself to come near the nursery.
Soon it was 6:30 and we were off to the hospital.  We were just barely out of town, and Randy needed to stop for gas.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I had a hand on the door handle just in case.  I sat and looked at all the people going about their normal business and wished I could trade places with them.  I would have rather been anywhere but in my shoes at that time.  I tried to pull myself together for the rest of the trip.  When we pulled in to the parking lot and in the sliding doors to the hospital, I couldn't help but be reminded of our trip just a couple of weeks earlier to have our hospital tour.  If I only had known then that I'd be coming in to deliver under THESE circumstances...." I thought. We got brought up to our room and very soon afterwards, our bishop came to visit.  Only a few minutes later, and our bishop from the Plymouth Ward arrived too!  One of our biggest blessings was having them there at that moment.  That, by far, was our most vulnerable and weakest moment and they were there - and they brought the spirit with them.  We talked all night - partly about the circumstance, but mostly about other things, and that was just what we needed: support and a distraction.  In fact, they stayed until midnight, when Kristi from Missing Grace came.  Before they left, however, they gave me a priesthood blessing of comfort and I knew at that point, that things were going to be ok....