6 months

Brynlee,
Today marks six whole months since we got to hold your sweet body in our arms.  Six months since the most devastating news in my life thus far.  Six months of trying to understand what went wrong...what we could have done differently...what we could have done to save your precious little life.

Yesterday I finally sent off a note to our old clinic.  Specifically, to the last doctor that was involved in your care as a living human being.  To the one I have the most questions for.  I've struggled with this from the second they told me you were gone....How could that non-stress test have failed us so miserably?  So to him, I asked for a consultation - to talk.  I really pray that he finds it in his heart to meet with us and help us come to some conclusion as to what went wrong.  Of course, we know that the umbilical cord played some role (if not all of it) in your demise, but your story is just a little different than most other umbilical cord accidents.  Most mothers whose baby has died of an umbilical cord accident report increased fetal activity one night and no movement the next morning.  This just wasn't the case for you.  You had increased fetal movement for several days, followed by a very significant decrease for a several days - up to a week or more.  Honestly, you were moving so little when I went in for the non-stress test that I didn't even realize a week or so later when you were gone.  I have incredible guilt that I didn't do more in that window to question the doctors, question the test, question the well-being of you, my child, in that moment.  So... I find it impossible to move on from our old clinic without posing all of those questions now.  I hope you can help me stay strong through it all.  I don't anticipate this to be an easy meeting in any way...but a necessary one for my own healing.  Without it, I assume things were missed, protocols weren't practiced, and doctors were lazy.  I hate that I struggle with these negative feelings, and hope that this meeting can help close some of those doors for me.  It's a tough line to walk... balancing those feelings of bitterness and suspiciousness and all the "what could have beens" and accepting what did happen and moving forward with an attitude of gratitude for all those moments we DID share together.

I've been needing a good emotional moment for some time now, and baby, you let me have it today!  I'm so grateful to now be home full-time and have the ability to focus solely on our family and our home.  After I read your brother his stories before naptime today, I let him stay in my arms until he had fallen asleep.  As I looked at him sleeping so peacefully, I couldn't help but see so much of you in him.  I was holding him in a position much like I had held you in the hospital and the similarities were incredible!  I began to wonder what you would have grown up to look like... would you have had your brother's energetic personality?  Would you have been a girly girl?  How would Logan be now if he had a 6 month old sister getting into all of his things? I was so grateful that although your brother is 3 1/2 years old, I am still able to hold him close when my arms feel lonely. (Reminds me a bit of that book "I'll love you forever") :)

Every time I flip through the calendar, I almost feel like I didn't even notice the passing of the months between September and January.  I finally feel like we're just starting to climb out of the fog we've been under for so long. 

Well, happy six month angelversary, baby girl.  We miss you like crazy and are happy that each day that passes, brings us one day closer to the blessed day that we can meet you again - this time body and soul together.

Much love baby girl!
Momma