Here they are, in no particular order:
1. I've decided to end my job. I thought long and hard about this, and had been contemplating it since returning at the end of September. I gave it a few months to see if time would change things, but it just never felt "right" again after losing Brynlee. It was a super hard decision to make. I've made lots of good friendships there and really enjoy working with my team. Plus, they've been really good to me, allowing me to go to a part-time schedule 3 years ago, to allow myself more time with Logan. I know I'll never find another "fit" quite like it. They really are like family. But...I really feel that what needs to be most important right now is me and my family. I need to have time to heal. Although we've agreed to two days a week at work, it's hard for me to turn off my work mode when we're busy (which is often!). I worry that if I don't do this, I won't allow myself the time to do the things that I need to do right now (and can only be done right now - I don't think I can just tell myself when's a good time to heal. It just needs to feel right. And this is it.) I've re-done our budget about 10 times now, and it'll be tight, but I think we'll all be happier in the end.
2. I've joined another "group".
This one is not a support group, but just moms who share the same experience of losing a child. We meet at local restaurants, coffee shops, etc. Again, there's a comfort in talking with others who share a similar experience.
3. I've been keeping in contact with many of the people I've met through this whole experience and am looking into ways to give back to some of the organizations that I've come in contact with. In addition to Missing Grace, I've been blessed to meet Lindsey and Shauna with the Star Legacy Foundation. Lindsey also lost her son to a cord accident and shortly after started this organization to raise awareness and support research in the area of stillbirth. This really hits home for me. I, with Lindsey, STRONGLY believe that my baby did NOT have to die. We live in a world of 2-D and 3-D ultrasounds. We have all the equipment necessary to see what we need to see. But, as my doctor told me after I asked how we missed it in 7 ultrasounds (!) - she said "we simply don't look for it". WHAT?! It makes no sense to me. It makes me sick to think that when I was worried and had come into the clinic for the non-stress test, if they had followed up with an ultrasound to check the umbilical cord, Brynlee very well could have been born healthy. There's no way to know for sure now, but if she was healthy enough to pass the non-stress test, I can't help but think she could have been born healthy.
4. We've been researching new doctors. I really liked the doctor I saw with Brynlee. I don't think she had all the answers, but I don't blame her for that. I think she really did everything she knew how to do, and really demonstrated she was willing to go the extra mile. The doctor that read the stress test, though, I have different thoughts about. Plus, the office administrator was downright rude and unprofessional when I was trying to request a copy of the non-stress test after losing Brynlee. As the icing on the cake, our sonographer never could get her measurements right, and the Ridgedale clinic had major scheduling issues. So...we just felt backed into a corner. We were comfortable staying if we could continue seeing our regular doctor, at the Eden Prairie clinic, but nothing else - no other doctors, no other sonographers, no other clinic locations. Only problem is, we went to the Eden Prairie clinic the morning we found out Brynlee was gone. Even pulling into the parking lot of that place took me right back to that day. I couldn't put myself through that for another pregnancy. So...I started poking around online to see what other options we had...but how do you know someone's character and knowledge from a profile online? I then decided to call Kristi from Missing Grace...and I'm so glad I did! She gave me the name of a doctor from the OGI clinic that they highly recommend. We immediately scheduled an interview and were blown away! Every person we came into contact with was nothing but pleasant and interested in you as a person, not just as a patient. And this lady was nothing less than an ANGEL!
She indeed gets a lot of referrals from Missing Grace, and therefore has plenty of experience and compassion working with mothers who have recently suffered a loss. Whereas my old doctor said she was hesitant to even look for the umbilical cord again in the future, for fear of "worrying us", Dr. Brown said ABSOLUTELY will she look for that cord. Whereas our old doctor said she wasn't comfortable working with Dr. Collins, Dr. Brown has before and will continue to support the work that Dr. Collins does. Her response was "why would I not want to be involved in your total care?" She assured us that we would never be taken lightly if we're worried. She understands we may be worried a lot, but she's confident that no one at the clinic would consider me "one of those mothers" if I just didn't feel right. Each time I come in with a feeling of worry, I would be followed up by a non-stress test AND ultrasound. I got teary eyed just listening to her talk. She understands us!!! I wanted to give her the biggest bear hug I'd ever given somebody right then and there. The rest of the staff was no different. It's definitely where we're supposed to be for a future pregnancy. So glad to have that figured out.
4. We've been researching new doctors. I really liked the doctor I saw with Brynlee. I don't think she had all the answers, but I don't blame her for that. I think she really did everything she knew how to do, and really demonstrated she was willing to go the extra mile. The doctor that read the stress test, though, I have different thoughts about. Plus, the office administrator was downright rude and unprofessional when I was trying to request a copy of the non-stress test after losing Brynlee. As the icing on the cake, our sonographer never could get her measurements right, and the Ridgedale clinic had major scheduling issues. So...we just felt backed into a corner. We were comfortable staying if we could continue seeing our regular doctor, at the Eden Prairie clinic, but nothing else - no other doctors, no other sonographers, no other clinic locations. Only problem is, we went to the Eden Prairie clinic the morning we found out Brynlee was gone. Even pulling into the parking lot of that place took me right back to that day. I couldn't put myself through that for another pregnancy. So...I started poking around online to see what other options we had...but how do you know someone's character and knowledge from a profile online? I then decided to call Kristi from Missing Grace...and I'm so glad I did! She gave me the name of a doctor from the OGI clinic that they highly recommend. We immediately scheduled an interview and were blown away! Every person we came into contact with was nothing but pleasant and interested in you as a person, not just as a patient. And this lady was nothing less than an ANGEL!
5. In light of the issues I have of our old clinic, I've been working on tying up some loose ends before I end all ties with that place. We'll see where that takes me. Wish me luck!
6. I've been in contact with another local (smaller) hospital, to do something for families that will have to experience such a heartbreaking loss in the future. Because of Missing Grace's services, it relieved A LOT of the anxiety about the details. Unfortunately, Missing Grace can't be at all hospitals, so I want to do something in Brynlee's honor to help again with just a small portion of those details for those poor families. It really made a HUGE difference in our ability to cope and heal. Again, we'll see where it takes me.
7. The doctors suspect I may have a blood clotting disorder, given my blood test results taken at my 6 week check. So... Miss "I hate needles" gets a needle in the belly EVERY DAY! yippee!! I'm so excited!
So, I'll be busy! But it all makes me feel so much better. We're going to be going to this place as a family the weekend after next.
It's called Faith's Lodge. It's located in the North Woods of Wisconsin, built especially for parents and families that are grieving the loss of a child, either through pregnancy loss or otherwise. Anyway, I read on their site that the reason this couple built this lodge was because:
"We have been told of an old proverb that says a person can actually die two deaths. The first happens when your physical body dies; the second occurs when people stop mentioning your name. We felt strongly that we would not let this happen to Faith and that her brief time on this earth should have a legacy. This legacy is the creation of Faith 's Lodge, a place where hope grows.
It is our desire that by providing this special facility we can help other families through their darkest hours. We do this in honor of Faith, so her name and memory will live on."
How true! I think that's the thing I fear the most now. I don't want to go on living my life as I did before I knew her. She's left her mark on our hearts, and I hope that not a day will pass without us thinking of her or mentioning her name. She's such a special part of our family. Brought here not to live and breathe on this earth, but bring us all a little closer to our full potential :)
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