Probably the biggest news is that we're expecting another baby! Not quite sure what emotion sums that one up... of course we're excited, but apprehensive, scared, guilty...(you name it!) too. My rational side tells me that the odds are in our favor this time and we'll have a healthy baby in our arms in no time, but my emotional side is cautious. It wonders if we REALLY know what happened with Brynlee. Yes, her cord was around her neck, but babies are born with the cord around their neck all the time and are healthy. Was she getting the nourishment she needed? Did my body fail her? I just hope we're covering all our bases this time. Plus now, we're WAY more educated about the matter than we were before. Which can be good AND bad... Good that we are equipped with a greater knowledge, and an increased ability to rationalize my own intuition with facts, but bad that I'm now aware of so many more things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. Just to get to the point of having a healthy, breathing baby is a HUGE accomplishment. Nobody should ever take that for granted!
So backing up, we found out we're pregnant in early December. It didn't happen exactly to plan, so we immediately scheduled an appointment to talk things over with our doctor (same one as we had with Brynlee). She was shocked to see us so soon after her recommendation to wait a few months before trying again. We explained it wasn't according to anyone's plan, but it was real. Frankly, I was scared and I wanted to know that she was going to take every precaution with us this time. Much to our disappointment, she was a little put off and said she wasn't going to talk about a "plan" until we even knew if this baby was "viable". We had just lost our baby at 35 weeks three months prior and now she's giving us no hope that this baby will live either?? I couldn't believe it, but again rationalized that doctor knows best and we should just prepare for miscarriage. We scheduled an ultrasound for the week after Christmas to determine "viability" and baby passed that wonderfully. But even still, after she told us our risk for miscarriage had now dropped to less than 5%, I still braced myself for the worst, yet secretly hoping for the best. We then met and discussed a "plan", which basically included a lot of talk about not wanting to do too much testing, which would "worry us" and "push us into delivering early". To a degree, I agree with this, but if it comes down to a baby in the NICU, or a baby that has died....I think I'll take the first option, thank you. We discussed wanting to work with Dr. Collins, which she was really uncomfortable with...and so on and so forth. BUT...we clung to the fact that she knew our history. And to us, that was important. But, we already had a consult scheduled with Dr. Brown, and figured we may as well go and just hear what she has to say. As I said in my other post, we received so much more care and concern with Dr. Brown. It really left no choice. Dr. Brown was it. We knew immediately that it wasn't about exclusively following statistics or protocol with her....she acted on instincts as well. God gave us "instincts" for a reason, and I'm glad she recognizes that God-given gift. The Star Legacy Foundation has posted a very well-put position on a mother's intuition exclusively, which is where I stole this brilliant quote from Mr. Albert Einstein:
Moving on, we tried to line things up to provide the best possible outcome for ourselves and this baby. Like I said, we changed doctors, we got in contact with Dr. Collins, started on Lovenox injections, I turned my every attention to our family - quitting my job, and starting praying continuously for a healthy pregnancy. It wasn't until about 16 weeks that my belly starting saying more than we were. I tried for a week or so to break the news to people, but I could never muster up the courage, so despite the fact that we swore we were never going to go "facebook official" with another pregnancy, we did it that way just so I didn't have to face people's initial reactions. Part of me didn't know how to respond to people's wide array of feelings upon hearing the news. I knew some people would cry, and some would shout for joy. Some might even mean well, but say something hurtful. I wasn't thinking clearly enough myself to know how even I should react to these reactions. Another part of me wasn't ready to get my hopes up. Not yet. "A lot could still happen in 20 weeks". SO, we put an announcement on facebook and it worked out really well for us. Impersonal - yes. But it was a good way of telling people, without officially having to utter the words. People responded so well though. We really feel so loved. It's so comforting knowing that others are cheering us on!
And...we found out its another GIRL!! We both were secretly hoping for another girl. Not that we wouldn't have been happy to have EITHER gender, as long as he or she would be healthy and well, but just to know that we hopefully WILL be able to raise at least ONE of our precious girls is such a gift. There definitely were a few tears shed in the ultrasound room :)
Along the same lines, is how we decided to tell Logan about THIS baby sister. Before, we took the approach to include Logan in everything related to Brynlee and our pregnancy, but this time it's hard to do that again. We're now 23 weeks and he has only been to one appointment even before he knew what was going on. I can't take seeing his heart break again, should something happen. When we told him that Heavenly Father has blessed us with another baby, he said "YAY!!!" then "will this baby die too?". Poor kid. It's a lot for a 3 year old to take in...
On brighter lines, he continues to hold a special place in his heart for his sister Brynlee. Lately, they made houses at school and cut pictures out of magazines for all the members of their family. His included mom, dad, Logan, Brynlee, and a mysterious dog which he claims is "Rufus" :) He never skips a beat. Brynlee is always included in his prayers and in his art projects and conversations about our family. The other weekend he was contently playing with his trains when he turned around and said "Mommy, Brynlee is always in our hearts". I honestly don't know where he comes up with the wording for some of the things he says, because it's not something we say repeatedly to him, but it's so sweet to see, and be a part of.
I've been continuing to talk with the people at both the Star Legacy Foundation and Missing Grace and take away so much from each conversation. We've been so blessed to have come in contact with these organizations.
The day finally came for us to meet with the doctor that read Brynlee's last NST. As expected, I was NERVOUS but so glad I have a husband with a good head on his shoulders and he helped me gather and "funnel" my thoughts (as he liked to call it) :) He came with to the meeting and the doctor actually showed up! I had him go over the printout of the NST, page by page and discuss his findings with us once again. We then got into a conversation about a more gray area...kick counts. I would bet most mothers don't do them - and for good reason, I suppose. Probably the same reasons I never did. But will I from now on? Without a doubt! But, how is a mom supposed to do kick counts when the information out there is inconsistent and wishy washy. This is what we discussed and I could see, even from him, he was confused by the whole matter! So.... next step: try to bridge the gap. We're meeting with the founder of the Star Legacy Foundation this next weekend to discuss possible steps to bring some education on the matter to this clinic. One step at a time!
Yep, that about sums up the directions of my thoughts lately. Mix that with about every emotion in the book, and it's a pretty good summary of how things are going. Yet, despite all of this, I remain eternally grateful for my wonderful and patient husband, the love of a mother, and eternal families.
No comments:
Post a Comment